For two weeks, I agonized over asking one simple question. It sounds ridiculous.

My doctor recommended we meet to discuss starting a new medication. 

The thing was... we just met last month.

Did she remember that we'd just met and still think another appointment was necessary?

Or had she simply forgotten?

The situation was further complicated by us being friends. But not quite close enough to ask point blank what she really thought. 

I didn't want to imply that she was being unprofessional by recommending a second appointment.

But I also didn't want to dedicate the time, never mind the money, to an appointment that maybe wasn't necessary.

Then another thought crept in.

If I asked whether we really needed another visit, or if she could just send in the prescription, was I taking advantage of our friendship?

Around and around I went.

For two weeks.

Finally, I sent the email.

I asked whether we really needed another appointment or if this was something she
could simply tell me.

Her response?

"We don't need a visit. I can just tell you what to go buy."

That was it.

Two weeks of mental energy, dissolved by a one-sentence reply

As I reflected on it later, I realized something.

I wasn't afraid of asking a question.

I was afraid of risking the relationship. 

I was worried she might think I was questioning her judgment.

Or asking for free medical advice.

Or taking advantage of our friendship.

And that I'd lose the friendship.
​
This is one of the sneakiest forms of people-pleasing.

Not saying yes when we want to say no.

But not ever asking for something because we're afraid of what someone else might think.

It feels safer to pay for an appointment we may not need than to risk someone misunderstanding our intentions.

I've gotten much better at catching myself when I start spiraling like this, even though it still happens. I'd love to help you do the same. 

​Imagine what you could do with all the energy you currently spend trying to prevent other people from misunderstanding you. 

And if you're one of my sleep coaching grads, you already know what it's feels like to get your evenings back. I'd love to help you reclaim your mental energy too.
​
Let's talk. There's no commitment, no cost, and no pressure. 

Molly and Kate had been talking about helping 7-month-old Lucy sleep independently for months.

There was just one problem.

Emma.

Their four-year-old had finally become a great sleeper.

She was proud of sleeping all night in her "big girl bed." She had just started summer camp, spending her days running, swimming, and playing outside. Every afternoon she came home happily exhausted. In a few months, she'd be starting pre-K.

Molly and Kate wanted to set Emma up for success.

Their Brooklyn apartment had only two bedrooms. Lucy was still sleeping in a mini crib in their room, but if they were going to sleep train, she'd have to move into the bedroom she'd soon be sharing with Emma.

But what would that mean for Emma?

What if Lucy cried all night? 

What if Lucy and Emma cried all night? 

The only thing worse than two exhausted parents was two exhausted parents and two exhausted children.

So they waited.

And waited.

Every few weeks, they'd tell themselves, maybe next weekend.

In the meantime, they kept doing what they knew wasn't working.

Every night, one of them got up to feed, rock, or hold Lucy back to sleep. Multiple times.

Even worse, because Lucy slept in their room, bedtime didn't end when she fell asleep.

Later that evening, Molly and Kate would tiptoe into their own bedroom, carefully turning the doorknob, avoiding the squeaky floorboards, and holding their breath as they climbed into bed.

They whispered after bedtime.

They skipped watching TV in bed.

They thought twice before flushing the toilet.

Their whole evening revolved around not waking Lucy.

They were surviving. Barely. 

But they couldn't imagine a better option.

Nighttime had become a game of whack-a-mole.

Because if Emma woke up at night, which luckily had become rare, now they also had to rush to soothe her back to sleep before she woke up Lucy. 

So every decision became about getting through tonight. Survival.

When Molly and Kate reached out to me, they expected me to reassure them that Emma would sleep through everything.

Instead, we talked about something else. The bigger picture. 

Yes, Emma would probably wake up for a few nights while Lucy learned a new way of sleeping.

​Yes, the whole family would probably be more tired at first. 

But Rob and Chris had been making decisions based on avoiding a few difficult nights while accepting months of exhaustion for the entire family.

Which also had a cost for the family. Namely, exhausted parents who were sleepwalking through work and short tempered at home with each other.

There was no great option. But one option kept them stuck and the other kept them moving forwards.

So Molly and Kate finally committed to investing in the long term health and wellbeing of their family. 

We talked about preparing Emma for what was coming.

They told her, "Lucy is learning how to sleep all by herself. You might hear her cry at night, but Mommy and Mama are taking care of her. You don't need to help. You can stay cozy in your bed."

That simple conversation gave Emma something many children need: information.

She didn't have to wonder if her baby sister was hurt. She didn't have to get out of bed to check on her. She knew the grown-ups had it handled.

And that meant Emma was able to stay relaxed in bed and to learn to sleep through her baby sister's noise. 

Just as adults learn to sleep through a barking dog or the train down the street, children can learn which sounds are important and which aren't.

Many older siblings become heavier sleepers than their parents ever expected.

The irony is that parents often spend months trying to protect their older child's sleep, when helping the baby become a better sleeper usually improves sleep for everyone.

Because here's what chronic sleep deprivation steals from a family:

Patience.

Energy.

Playfulness.

The ability to enjoy the day instead of just surviving until bedtime.

When parents finally start sleeping again, everyone benefits.

Lucy learned to sleep through the night... in her sister's room. Emma learned to sleep through the night with Lucy there. And Molly and Kate started enjoying evenings together again, as well as restful sleep at night. 

Everyone benefitted. 

If you're putting off sleep training because you're worried about waking an older sibling, you're not alone. I get it. I've been there. 

The logistics matter. Every child and every home is different.

That's why I create customized sleep plans that take your family's situation into account, whether that means siblings sharing a room, a small apartment, or parents can't bear the thought of cry-it-out.

You don't have to solve bedtime whack-a-mole on your own. I've got you.

Set up a free consult and let's talk through your unique family's challenges so we can get you all sleeping peacefully at night and enjoying your days together during the day. 

A few weeks ago, I had a conversation that would have ruined my day a year ago.

I had reached out to two real estate agents. One responded almost immediately, and we spent the day discussing home possibilities.

The other texts back to me later that day and called me the following day. When I told her I had already decided to work with someone else, she wasn't happy.

She told me I shouldn't expect instant gratification.

She reminded me that people have lives and children.

Then she wished me luck in a terse tone that made it very clear she wasn't actually wishing me luck.

When we hung up, I felt a little stunned.

But not for the reason you might think.

I wasn't stunned that someone had criticized me.

I was stunned that I didn't feel ashamed.

For most of my life, being scolded, even by someone I barely knew, would have sent me into a spiral.

Was I inconsiderate?

Should I apologize?

Did I do something wrong?

This time, none of that happened.

Instead, I found myself thinking:

"She's right. I do appreciate responsiveness."

"And the other agent did too."

"Neither of us was wrong. We just weren't the right fit for each other."

That realization felt strangely... peaceful.

Which was really confusing to me.

I'd spent much of my life scanning every room for signs that someone might be upset with me, because someone being upset with me felt like danger.

It was surprisingly disorienting. I'd spent decades believing that if someone disapproved of me, I must have done something wrong. 

Suddenly, I could imagine that two reasonable people could simply value different things.

If you're someone who feels crushed by disapproval, even from acquaintances, I want you to know something: you don't have to stay that way.

You can learn to hear someone else's disappointment, frustration, or criticism without immediately carrying it as your own.

You can make decisions based on your values instead of everyone else's emotional reactions.

For me, that experience wasn't about real estate.

It wasn't about becoming someone who never disappoints people. It was about becoming someone who can survive disappointing people.
Lots of people do this automatically. 

But not me. 

It sounds so easy but for some of us, it's shockingly hard. 

But so important because the liberation I feel from not worrying about everyone else's opinions all the time is amazing. 

 If you're someone who struggles with this and wants to be liberated too, I'd love to talk. Set up a free consult here.  

The text came through early in the morning.

A few minutes later, another message:

“She just ran right in.”

Just a few weeks earlier, daycare dropoff had felt completely different. “She was crying and clinging to me like a koala. The teacher had to peel her off me.”

At home, things had felt hard too. Bedtime was taking 2-3 hours -- no matter what time they started -- and she always wakes up in the middle of the night and needed a back rub to go back to sleep.

Her parents were exhausted.

And confused.

Because alongside all the sleep struggles, their daughter had also suddenly become so much more emotionally intense since their move to a new city.

Like many thoughtful, loving parents, they were deeply afraid that sleep training might damage attachment. They had heard many times that setting boundaries around sleep and needing to be alone at night would make children feel unsafe.

Yet they couldn't continue with late bedtimes and prolonged middle of the night wakings. They were all exhausted. 

So they reluctantly signed up to work with me. Fearful of damaging their child's sense of security. 

What they didn't expect was that improving sleep would change so much more than bedtime.
​
As she began sleeping better, she also became more confident during the day.

Tantrums became less frequent.

Evenings together became peaceful.

And then came that daycare text.

This little girl did not become distant from her parents. She became more connected.
More cuddly. And suddenly capable of walking confidently into daycare.

Secure attachment grows through countless experiences of separation and reunion.

Children gradually learn:

"My parent leaves."

"And my parent always comes back."
​
Predictable boundaries make children feel safe. That helps them to fall asleep more easily and stay asleep all night long.

Well rested children are more emotionally regulated.

Well rested parents are more patient, calm, and emotionally available.

That combination often strengthens connection throughout the entire family.

One of my favorite moments from this family happened at bedtime.

That night, she lay in her crib singing “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star” to herself for nearly half an hour before falling asleep.

Not panicked.

Not shut down.

Not lonely.

Feeling safe enough to settle into sleep independently.

This is the part that fear-based conversations around sleep rarely capture.

Sleep is not only about sleep.

It's also the foundation for a calmer nervous system, easier separations, more connection, and a happier family.

​A few weeks earlier, her teacher had to peel her off her mom.

Now she was running into daycare with confidence.

Better sleep wasn't the only thing that changed.

Ready to achieve this for your family? Schedule a free consult and let's talk. 

Before potty training, bedtime took about 20 minutes, thirty max.

Bath, pajamas, books, cuddles, bed.

Now?

“Mama, I have to pee.”

Two minutes later, “I think I need to poop.”

Five minutes later:

“Potty.”

After lights out, it was even worse.

"Potty potty potty!!!"

Multiple extended trips to the bathroom.

By the end of the night, Maya had gone in and out of the bathroom six times, her parents were exhausted, and everyone was frustrated.

The confusing part was that Maya sometimes really was producing tiny amounts of urine.

So her parents felt trapped.

What were they supposed to do?

Ignore her?

Risk an accident?

Create shame around using the bathroom?

Especially since she was already struggling to poop on the potty. Could ignoring her create a setback?

What's Really Going On
​
Despite how this feels, isn't a potty issue.

It is about what the potty offers. 

A potty trip suddenly becomes:

• more connection
• more conversation
• more stimulation
• more delay
• more time with Mom or Dad

Your child has gleefully discovered, “Ooh. I found a brand new way to prolong bedtime.”

It's like a get out of jail free card for a tiny hostage negotiatior.

That doesn't mean your child is deliberately manipulative.

They're just curious about this newfound power they have. They probably wish they did have to use the potty so they can connect with you, their beloved parent, one more time.

This is all perfectly developmentally normal, if frustrating.

Bedtime requires separation, stillness, and letting go of the day. For toddlers and preschoolers, that's hard.

Once they discover that “I have to go potty” reliably reopens the entire bedtime process, the pattern can escalate quickly.

A few things that often help:

• Have your child use the potty about 30 minutes before lights out.
  
  
• Then have them try one more time about 5 minutes before lights out.
  
  
• For that second potty trip, use a small potty in the child’s bedroom.
  
  
• Do not let them leave the room. (Not even to watch the poop get flushed).
  
  
• Go directly from the bathroom to the bedroom during the bedtime routine and do not allow them to leave again.
  
  (Leaving the room energizes children and derails the bedtime process.)
  
  
• After lights out, encourage your child to use the potty independently in the room if needed. If they can't, they need to use their diaper. 


• Only re-enter to help wipe or remove a full potty.
  
  

Honestly, 99% of the time, children do not actually need to go.

They are seeking reassurance, connection, stimulation, or another delay. Not another chance to pee or poop.

If your child is genuinely anxious about wetting the bed, offer a pull up at night.

And it is very important not to frame dry nights as a “big kid” achievement.

Preschoolers are desperate to seem grown up.

Many children quietly absorb the idea that needing nighttime protection means they are failing somehow.

But nighttime dryness is neurological and developmental.

Not all bodies are ready to stay dry all night long at the same age. There is no prize for forcing it early.

The goal is making bedtime calm, boring, predictable, and emotionally steady again.

Because children relax best when boundaries feel clear.

Even when they protest them.

The Bottom (no pun intended) Line

You will not traumatize your child or cause a potty regression by denying them unlimited access to the potty overnight. Promise. 

Want help shortening your child's bedtime routine from 3 hours to 30 minutes? I can help. Without cry it out. While maintaining loving connection between your child.

Schedule a free consult and find out how.

PS Derailing bedtime doesn't just make your evening stressful. It can also derail your entire night's sleep. 

When Melissa and I got on our call, she looked exhausted.

Not just tired. Defeated.

“I don’t think I can do this,” she told me. “I wanted something gentle.”

Her daughter Emma was 14 months old and waking multiple times a night.

Melissa had spent weeks trying to help her sleep with what she believed was the gentlest possible approach.

Sitting beside the crib.
Rubbing her back.
Picking her up and putting her down over and over.
But Emma was still crying.
And that felt unbearable.
“I thought if we chose a gentle method, she wouldn't cry,” she said quietly.

I paused for a moment and asked her something.
“Does Emma ever fight getting into her car seat?”
Melissa laughed immediately.
“Oh my God. Every single day.”
She described it instantly.
The stiff body.
The arched back.
The screaming.
The tiny legs locking straight so she couldn’t buckle the straps.

“And what do you do?” I asked.
“I mean…” she said, grinning sheepishly. “I put her in anyway.”
“Aren’t you worried about traumatizing her when you ‘force’ her into the car seat?” I asked gently.
Melissa laughed.
“No. I know it’s the only safe option for her. I mean, I hate hearing her cry, but there isn’t another option.”

Then I asked her another question.
“How was daycare when Emma started?”
Melissa groaned.
“Awful,” she admitted. “She cried at every dropoff for weeks.”

She told me how Emma would cling to her leg while the teacher gently peeled her off. How she cried in the parking lot afterward.
How she spent the first week staring at her phone, waiting for the daycare to call.
“And in those moments, did you worry you were harming her?” I asked.
Melissa paused.
“Honestly?,” she admitted. “At the time, I wasn’t sure.” 

Then she smiled a little.
“But now I can see she’s completely fine. Better than fine, actually. Most mornings she runs happily into daycare. And even on the days she’s a little clingy, now I know she’ll be fine. She never cries for more than a few minutes. Her teachers always text me happy photos later.”
A few minutes later, Melissa told me something else.
“You know, Emma still cries every time I close the bathroom door.”
We both laughed.
Every parent remembers this phase where peeing alone is considered a crime against humanity.

Yesterday, I practiced with my toddler, Valentina, who is transitioning into preschool.
We’ve been repeating a simple phrase together:
“Mommies always come back.
Papas always come back.
Big sisters always come back.”
Because small children do not automatically know this.
Separation feels enormous. Devastating, even.
Because when someone they love disappears, they genuinely don't know if you will come back.
Valentina made it 55 minutes yesterday before we got the call to pick her up.
I'm sure she'll make it a little bit longer today.

And that’s why practicing separation and reunion is so important.
Because children learn only by doing.
At bedtime.
With trusted caregivers.
With grandparents.
With babysitters.
“The people I love leave… and they always come back.”

This is why young children love peekaboo so much.
A parent disappears. Momentarily. And then comes back.
Over and over and over again.
Peekaboo is practice.
Practice tolerating separation.
Practice building trust.
Practice learning that loved ones always come back.

A week after our call, Melissa texted me.
“She slept through the night for the first time ever,” she wrote.
And then:
“She adjusted faster than I did. I’m still learning how to sleep through the night again after all of these months.”

A few days later, she sent another message.
“I was so worried about traumatizing her,” she admitted.
“But now I can see that we are both so much happier. She’s not cranky in the mornings anymore… and neither am I.”

“She still reaches for me when she’s hurt.
She still lights up when I walk in after daycare.
She still wants to cuddle while we read bedtime stories.”

​A few minutes later, another message came through.

“I can see that she's fine. Better than fine. She's thriving. And so, for the first time in a long time, am I. I'm a much better parent now that I'm getting sleep. I'm so relieved that it's not at the expense of our bond."

If you’d like support helping your child sleep while protecting the connection you care so deeply about, here’s the link to get started. 

“I don’t understand what is happening,” Sharon told me about her five-month-old, Ruby.

"I nurse her to sleep and put her down. She used to sleep for hours before waking up for a feed. Now she sometimes only sleeps 45 minutes before she wakes up again, wanting to nurse. I don’t understand why she’s having all these false starts.

I think she’s down for the night, so I start cooking my dinner. Then just as my food is ready, I hear her crying for me again. I already know I’m going to be eating another cold dinner, because I have to go nurse her back to sleep.”

These early wake-ups after bedtime are often called false starts. They are especially common around four to six months old.

What’s happening when your baby wakes 45 minutes after bedtime

Around four to six months, babies begin moving through sleep cycles more like adults do.

Each sleep cycle lasts about 30 to 45 minutes. At the end of that cycle, your baby briefly comes into lighter sleep before continuing into the next one. We adults don't even remember these micro wakings but this is when we typically roll over, fluff the pillow, or adjust the blanket.

But for babies, if they aren’t yet able to connect those cycles smoothly, they may wake fully instead.

That first wake after bedtime is often the earliest place parents notice this change.

Why this wake up happens right after bedtime

In the first few months of life, feeding, rocking, or bouncing a baby to sleep usually works very well.

But around four months of age, babies begin developing more social awareness.

So when they reach the end of that first sleep cycle and their sleep becomes lighter, they suddenly notice something has changed.

The loving arms that helped them fall asleep are gone.

They’re in a different place.

We know it's unlikely to be a hunger issue because they ate recently, and babies this age no longer need to eat frequently like newborns.

The issue is that when self-soothing isn’t present at the start of the night, babies don’t yet know how to return to sleep on their own later.

Why falling asleep in one place and waking in another is hard for babies

Imagine falling asleep in your own cozy bed with your pillow and comforter, and waking up on the living room floor.

You would feel startled.

The same is true for your baby when they fall asleep in one place, your arms, and wake up in another, the crib.

They’re not trying to make bedtime harder. They’re responding to a change they didn’t expect.

You don't have to leave your baby to cry alone

Helping babies learn to fall asleep in the crib doesn’t mean leaving them to cry alone for hours.

It means giving them the opportunity to fall asleep where they will stay asleep.

Your baby can go into the crib or bassinet awake while you stay nearby and support them.

You can comfort them.

You can reassure them.

What changes is that you’re not doing all the work of falling asleep for them.

This helps them recognize their sleep space so that when they reach the end of that first cycle, it's easier to continue sleeping.

When babies usually grow out of false starts

​Most babies begin connecting that first bedtime cycle more consistently between five and seven months if they have learned the skill of self soothing. 

You may notice the wake up becoming shorter first.

Then less frequent.

Then disappearing altogether.

Don't mistake this waking as undertiredness

When babies wake shortly after bedtime, parents sometimes assume bedtime needs to be later.

In fact, overtiredness often makes this wake up more likely.

An earlier bedtime is often helpful.

This is especially true for babies who are also taking short naps during the day.

Many babies who wake 45 minutes after bedtime are also taking short naps during the day. I wrote more about why naps are short around five months here.
​

When false starts are a sign your baby needs more support

If your baby wakes after 30 to 45 minutes and then continues waking frequently throughout the evening, this is a sign they’re still learning how to connect sleep cycles consistently.

This is one of the most common transitions families reach out to me about.

There are gentle ways to support longer stretches as your baby’s sleep matures, and most babies make clear progress quickly once the right pieces are in place.

If your little one is struggling to connect sleep cycles, let's talk about what support could look like.