Am I Abandoning My Toddler at Night?

Last night, I had a conversation with a client that brought up a concern so many parents share when considering sleep training.

She’s using a high-parental-involvement method where she stays in the room while her toddler falls asleep and during any night wakings. This feels comfortable to her right now because she grew up in a culture where families often slept in the same room.

However, she’s starting to feel uneasy about the next step in the plan, which involves sitting outside her child’s room as they learn to fall asleep more independently. Here’s what she asked:

“I feel like: is she scared of being alone at night? We (adults) sleep with someone else… so is it so unreasonable for her to want that? I don’t want her to feel scared or abandoned when sleeping. I’ve been advised a lot about how it’s normal to feel anxious when sleeping and just because children go to sleep independently or stop crying, 'lose the response of crying,' during the cry-it-out method doesn’t mean they aren’t anxious. Just that they feel scared and keep it within themselves.”

First, I want to acknowledge how beautifully she expressed this fear—a fear many parents share. The idea of leaving your child alone at night can feel overwhelming, especially when you’re trying to balance your child’s emotional needs with the realities of family life and your own well-being.

Let’s take a step back and look at this situation more closely. Before sleep training, this parent would lie down with her child until she fell asleep, then either stay the whole night or come back at the first waking to spend the rest of the night together. Since starting sleep training three nights ago, the child has gone from multiple night wakings to zero or one—all while the parent remains in the room, sitting in a chair rather than lying down. This is already a huge step forward for both parent and child, and it’s been achieved with a high level of parental presence and comfort.

Will My Child Feel Abandoned If I Leave the Room?

This is such an important question, and it speaks to every parent’s instinct to protect their child. From my experience—both as a parent and as someone who’s worked with hundreds of families—the answer is no. Children who are sleep trained using loving, consistent methods do not feel abandoned. Instead, they learn a new skill: how to fall asleep independently, knowing their parent is nearby and always there if they truly need support.

When the time comes for this client to move outside her child’s room, the transition will happen gradually and with reassurance. She’ll check in every few minutes, so her child will never feel “forgotten.” And while it’s natural for a toddler to protest change, what’s important is the parent’s consistency and loving presence—even if that presence is just outside the door.

The Truth About Cry-It-Out (CIO)

It’s worth noting that while many parents are hesitant about the cry-it-out method, it isn’t the only option. In fact, I don’t push families to use CIO unless they feel it’s right for them. In this client’s case, her method involves staying close and offering comfort as her child adjusts to new sleep patterns. But for parents who do choose CIO, research shows it’s not harmful when used in loving, supportive homes.

I’ve used CIO with my own children when other methods didn’t work for them. For example, my oldest child found it more upsetting when I returned every few minutes. Switching to CIO resulted in less overall stress for her, and she quickly learned to sleep through the night. Today, all three of my children love to sleep, go to bed happily, and wake up refreshed. Our bond is as strong as ever, and I’ve seen the same outcome in countless families I’ve worked with.

What Does the Research Say About Sleep Training?

When I became certified as a child sleep consultant, I did a deep dive into the literature to see if there was any evidence of trauma from sleep training. I couldn’t find a single study that showed psychological harm in children from loving, consistent sleep training methods. The studies that did report damage were based on extreme cases, such as permanent separation from caregivers (as seen in rat studies) or neglectful environments like Romanian orphanages.

Emily Oster, the author of Crib Sheet and Expecting Better, reviewed the data as well and found the same results: “The data shows that sleep training does not lead to long- or short-term attachment issues. And for most babies, it will lead to longer sleep stretches. It has also been shown to improve mood and mental health for parents.”

This means you don’t have to choose between healthy sleep and healthy attachment—they actually go hand in hand. That's because better sleep often strengthens the bond between parent and child because everyone is more rested, present, and patient during the day.

You’re Not Alone

If you’re feeling unsure about sleep training or worried about what it means for your child’s emotional health, know that you’re not alone. These fears are normal, and they’re a sign of how much you care about your child. But with a method that feels right for your family and a consistent, loving approach, your child can learn to sleep confidently and independently, secure in your love for them.

Ready to Take the First Step?

If you’re dreaming of better sleep for your family but feel unsure about how to start—or how to stay consistent—I’m here to help. Schedule a free consultation today, and we can create a personalized plan that works for your family. In two weeks or less, you can have the well-rested family you’ve been hoping for—guaranteed.