"I Want My Pacis." The Night We Took Valentina's Pacifiers Away.

One of Valentina's last bedtimes with her paci

Ten Minutes After Giving Up Her Pacifiers, Valentina Asked For Them Back

Ten minutes after proudly putting all her pacis into the special bag, my daughter burst into tears and asked for them back.

If you’ve ever tried to help a toddler give up something they love, you probably already know how this story goes.

Preparing For The Goodbye

For weeks we had been reading a Lovery book about saying goodbye to pacifiers. In the story, a little girl named Clementine searches the house with her daddy, gathers every pacifier, and puts them into a special bag and using her special blanket for bedtime.

My daughter loved the story and wanted to read it again and again. Although she did think "Daddy" was the one giving up the pacifiers. :) 

So we started talking about how one day she would do the same thing. When she gave up her pacis, she would get a special blanket.

You might think this kind of transition would be easy for me. After all, I’m a pediatric nurse practitioner and a child sleep coach. For years, I've been teaching other parents how to handle these transitions.

But the truth is, I felt surprisingly emotional about it.

For weeks leading up to that night I felt sad and a little anxious. I kept putting it off and dreading the moment. Knowing intellectually that children can adjust to change doesn’t necessarily make it easier when it’s your own child.

Eventually we picked a night to do the pacifier hunt. I chose a Friday because I assumed sleep might be disrupted and I wanted the weekend to recover before work.

The Pacifier Hunt

When the night finally came, she was thrilled.

She went tearing around the house a pacifier hunt around the house. I "hid" the pacis in plain sight, on top of the coffee table and our bedside tables. Finding them was the most fun she could have imagined.

Each time she found one she ran back laughing hysterically and proudly dropped it into the bag.

It felt like a game. A celebration, even.

She was so excited to receive her special blanket.

And then, about ten minutes later, she plaintively asked, "Can I have my pacis back?"

That was hard. 

Night One: Total Chaos

Bedtime that night was messy. There were lots of tears. My partner I took turns lying down on the floor next to her. That’s not a long term habit I want to create, but it felt like a fair compromise for the first night of such a big transition.

She finally fell asleep around 9 pm. Only two hours later than usual! 

I had assumed the night itself might be rough.

To my surprise, it wasn’t.

She woke once briefly and went right back to sleep once I covered her with Special Blanket.

The Next Few Days

Over the next few days she kept checking in about the pacifiers.

“Can I have my pacis?”

I answered the same way each time.

“No, the pacis are gone. Remember we put them in the bag? We said bye bye to the pacis.”

At first we noticed something interesting. If we praised her too enthusiastically for giving them up, she immediately asked for them again. So for the first few days we didn’t talk about it much. We just stayed calm and consistent.

On the second night, she fell asleep at 7:30 instead of 9 pm. 

And by the third night, she was asleep by 7 pm. All by herself. No one lying next to her.

A Memory From My Middle Daughter

This experience reminded me of weaning my middle daughter from her pacifiers, years ago.

When she was approaching her third birthday, I told her that three year olds don’t use pacifiers anymore.

Our pediatric dentist suggested letting her pick out a special prize in advance and putting it somewhere she could see it but not reach it until she decided she was ready.

On the very day of her third birthday -- not what I had imagined -- Amelie decided she was ready.

She threw the pacifiers into the trash and proudly claimed the Elmo doll she had picked out.

About ten minutes later she looked at me seriously and said,

“I’m ready to throw Elmo away and get my pacis back.”

Toddlers are wonderfully logical in their own way.

What I See As A Sleep Coach

As a pediatric nurse practitioner and sleep coach, I talk with parents about pacifiers and other sleep crutches all the time. Many families worry that giving them up will be a huge battle or permanently disrupt sleep.

What I see most often is something much more like what happened in our house. There may be a few emotional moments at bedtime, but with a clear plan and calm consistency, most children adapt faster than their parents expect.

“The pacis are all gone. I know it’s hard. Your special blanket will help.”

But when parents stay calm, clear, and consistent, children usually learn much more quickly than we imagine.

I experienced it again in my own house this week.

Even for a pediatric nurse practitioner and sleep coach, these transitions can feel surprinsigly emotional in the moment.

Amelie, 2017, with her pacifier