We have continued to relish in Simon's amazing sleep habits these past few months since working with you.
He is now 8-months-old and since the time change a week ago, things have gone haywire.
We kept his 6:45 pm bedtime the same so that it effectively got bumped one hour later. But now he is waking up at 4:15 am every day!
Should we keep his bedtime the same and let him cry until 5:30 or 6 am every day or move his bedtime around?
I've gotten messages like this from many clients this week. So if you are in a similar situation, take heart. You are not alone! Whoever invented daylight savings time definitely didn't have small children.
Time changes are really, really hard on little ones. And not great even for us big ones. My five-year-old was up very early for 5 days in a row before finally adjusting, and I feel like I'm still tired from the adjustment, or perhaps those early wakings. (Here in Mexico, we switched a week before the United States.)
And if your children stayed up even later on Saturday night due to the excitement of Halloween, it's likely that the early wakings are even worse.
When children are overtired, their bodies produce a stress hormone, cortisol, that makes it harder for them to fall asleep. This is why my five-year-old jaguar was bouncing around like a crazy person on Halloween night, even before eating any sugar, and needed a lot of "encouragement" (threats) to go to bed.
Overtiredness and cortisol also make it more likely that your child will wake up during the night, and also wake up too early in the morning. This is why little Simon woke up at 4:15 am! Even without the time change, this would have only 5:15 am, much earlier than his regular bedtime.
When children go to bed too late, they sleep less. Counterintuitive but true.
In Simon's case, I suggested that his mother ease off on the new bedtime and go back almost to his old, pre-time-change bedtime. And then gradually move it 10 or 15 minutes later each night.
The reason it didn't work for her, even after a week, to just move his bedtime an hour later (and hope for one-hour later wakings as a result) is that Ali most likely didn't move everything in his schedule.
In order to keep him on the "old time," she would have needed to shift everything, including naps and mealtimes, accordingly. It sounds like a great plan but in actuality, it's not easy to maintain daylight savings time for your child when the rest of your life has transitioned to standard time. But it's worth a try for the highly organized parents among us!
If your little one is having early wakings or night wakings as a result of the time change, ease off the time change for a day or two. Go back to the "old" time and do a super early bedtime for a couple of nights. Once your child is waking up at a more reasonable time again, gradually start shifting her bedtime later again. One four-month-old I am working with right now couldn't even tolerate 10-minute changes each day. Her dads had to shift to just five minutes every other day. It's hard to go so slowly... but 4:30 am wakes are even harder.
As for naps... if your baby is waking up super early, he will have trouble making it to a 9 am (two- and three-times a day nappers) or 12 pm (once a day nappers) naptime. If you are reverting back to "the old time," try to keep him up until at least the 8:30 am (old time) first nap or 11:30 am middle of the day nap. A too-early naptime can make things even harder -- if your child naps at 7 am, the second nap is likely going to be super early as well, leading to a very long stretch between the last nap and bedtime, leading to, you guessed it, more overtiredness.
But if he only takes a short nap because you kept him up until the appropriate nap time and then he was wildly overtired? Try to leave him in the crib for at least 90 minutes (of total crib time, not necessarily sleep time). Often times, children can learn to fall back to sleep if you leave them long enough.
I'm happy to report that on day 5 of our new time zone, Amelie woke up after 6 am, and the next two days, she woke up after 7 am! Woot. And after only one day of the earlier bedtime, little Simon woke up at 4:20 but then went back to sleep until 5. So that's progress too.
If you need help getting your child to give up those painfully early wakings, set up a free chat with me. Your family deserves great rest! Let me help.
Check out my first weekly Facebook Live to hear more about the ideal bedtime for your child, how teething can affect sleep, bedtimes for school age children, hear the story of how I came to be a sleep consultant and more.
I also talk about my peaceful parenting style and how incorporating "special time" can make bedtime separation easier. For those of you with toddlers, preschoolers or older children... fear not, instituting new bedtime routines doesn't have to be a miserable experience for anyone in the family.
Set up a free consult with me to learn more. There's no committment.
Despite it being only mid-morning, this toddler is overtired.
Early wakings and nighttime wakings are the number one reason families reach out to me for help. And the culprit is one that always surprises them.
You are putting your child to bed too late.
I know that seems crazy. You put your child to bed at what feels like a very reasonable hour, based on your family's schedule. It feels impossible to put her to bed any earlier. Your days are so hectic.
Plus your very reasonable fear: you are afraid your child will wake up too early. I know. I get it. I am having exactly the same struggle with my five-year-old who just gave up her nap and needs an earlier bedtime. Even though I know better.
Here's the deal: overtired children don't sleep well. They wake up more at night and they wake up too early in the morning.
I suggest roughly twelve hours in bed each night for children under 6. (Maybe slightly less for preschoolers who still nap).
The sleep before midnight is the most restful. So sleeping 8 pm to 8 am is not as good as sleeping 7 to 7 and will generally result in less overall sleep.
My ideal bedtime for most children under six years old is actually 6:30 pm. Especially knowing that if you aim for 6:30, you might actually achieve 7 pm.
If this sounds too hard... think about your disrupted nights and way-too-early mornings. How much would you like those to go away? Are you willing to push your schedule to make it happen? Even if it means you have to work in the evenings to finish work earlier? Remember that when your child sleeps through the night, you will be more rested and thus, more productive. So you may find you are able to finish your work in less time and not need to continue to work in the evening!
This tip, moving bedtime earlier, has worked with every child I have worked with. Even my own. I put her overtired five-year-old self to bed at 6:20 last night -- the earliest in weeks -- and she woke up at 7:20.
A warning: this doesn't always work the first night you try it, though it often does. I tried it for the first time a few days ago and my little one was up at 4:30 AM. Sob.
But two days later, my efforts paid off and she started to sleep later.
Most of my families see results in two to three nights, and often even faster. So give yourself a few days, at least, to try this radically simple suggestion: an earlier bedtime.
If you want to put your child to go to bed earlier and sleep all night long but aren't sure how to make it happen -- maybe you struggle emotionally even if you have the book knowledge of what needs to happen -- set up a free consult and get your family the sleep you deserve.
I am conflicted about using blackout shades in my twins' room.
I'm reluctant to use them because whenever I nap in a dark room in the middle of the day, I wake up feeling cranky and miserable. I don't want that for my girls.
But right now, they never nap on the same schedule and I am going absolutely bonkers. I can never leave the house and I never know when I'll get a break.
Kate, single mom to 11-month-old twins
Kate is an amazingly devoted mom. I admire her tremendously.
We parents should take all the help we can get. It's not cheating to help them nap. It won't make your young children wake up feeling cranky and miserable.
That's because their young bodies have totally different sleep and wake cycles than we do. Babies' bodies are designed to nap during the day. Unlike ours.
When we wake up cranky and miserable after a nap, it's because we have nap inertia. Basically, we are sleeping at a time that our bodies weren't designed to nap. Babies, on the other hand, absolutely need naps during the day.
If babies nap at the biologically ideal times, they won't have nap intertia. For twice-a-day nappers, those times are roughly 9 am and 1 pm. Once-a-day nappers should sleep at around 12 pm.
Just timing naps appropriately can make a huge difference. That's step one. And it's the furthest thing from cheating. It's taking advantage of biological sleep and wake cycles.
Step two is yes, using all the sleep crutches you can find that don't require your active, ongoing participation.
So blackout curtains? Heck, yes! White noise? Absolutely. Fan or air conditioner to keep the room cool and air circulating? Definitely. Swaddle (for newborns) or sleep sack? Sure! Pacifier that you have to reinsert 16 times during the nap? Nope.
Offer the pacifier once and that's it. Either she finds it and re-inserts it herself or she loses it and learns to sleep without it. There may be some tears in the short-term but otherwise, she will never learn to sleep independently (or at least, not until she gives up the pacifier).
The same goes for breastfeeding or bottle feeding to sleep. If your little one can fall asleep and stay asleep, feeding to sleep is fine. But if he needs another nursing session or an additional bottle to link his sleep cycles, you are doing him a disservice. You'll know this is happening if your baby (4 months or older) is waking for multiple feedings every night. By four months, your child should be able to go several hours without feeding, and that should gradually decrease from a maximum of three a night to two to one or less at nine months old. By a year old, most babies should not need any feedings at night.
My five-year-old recently started to give up her nap. The timing feels pretty terrible -- stuck at home for months at a time during a global pandemic -- but I hardly feel like I can complain. Five years of napping is a pretty good run.
But then we tacked up a heavy blanket over an internal window to her room that was letting in a good bit of natural light. Lo and behold, my preschooler is napping again. Gloriously long naps that leave her well-rested and cheerful, a delight to be around.
If this "cheating" means I can avoid the cranky miserable mess she was on the days she missed her naps... I'm a devoted cheater.
But I prefer to think of it as smart parenting. Helping my girl get all the sleep her body needs to be her best.
(Note the white noise on her table, the standing fan pointed at her, and of course, the heavy blanket tacked up over the internal window.)
If you'd like help getting your little one napping better, or need support tackling a different sleep challenge, schedule a free consult so we can get your child, and your entire family, the sleep you deserve.
Weekends. Gloriously free but hectic, too. So much you need to do. And so many things you just want to do.
Grocery shopping. Errands. Cooking. Catching up with friends and family. And then the ever-elusive sleeping in.
Surely a later bedtime on weekends can't hurt?
Well, only if you and your child don't mind the occasional jet lag.
The truth is, children don't do well with a lack of consistency in their routine. Children thrive on predictable wake times, nap times, and bedtimes. Putting them to bed later feels to their bodies like changing time zones. You know that doesn't feel good.
And the even uglier truth? Adults do better with consistency, too.
Part of the reason you so desperately want to sleep in on weekends is that you are accumulating sleep debt by changing your bedtime and wake times so frequently.
It's hard to give up those occasional late nights, but if you do, you will feel less tired. Even if you get a bit less sleep, overall.
Before you accuse me of being a Grinch... I get it. I truly do.
This past weekend, I kept my children up late to go see the newly-lit Christmas tree in town. My little one got to bed an hour and a half late.
Sometimes, we have to prioritize life over sleep. It's important to balance the needs of the entire family, including the parents, with the sleep needs of your child.
I encourage you to limit exceptions, though, to no more than twice a month. Plan ahead so you save those later nights for the most important of occasions.
Here are some other ways to limit the impact of the occasional late night:
Watch your child and see how she reacts to the occasional late night. As she gets older, she will be more able to tolerate that occasional exception. A younger toddler may be better off staying home with a babysitter and getting to bed on time, rather than going out with the family. It may also be a lot more enjoyable for you that way. Rest assured, she won't need this early bedtime forever.
Need some help adjusting your child's bedtime? Set up a free consult and let's chat!
It's 4:30 am. You went to bed too late last night because you finally had the chance to unwind at the end of another hectic day. It was so delicious to relax and enjoy yourself that it was hard to make yourself get up off the couch and go to bed.
And now your beloved child is babbling in the crib. You pull the pillow over your head and try to ignore it but soon the babbling turns to whimpers and then crying. You sigh in resignation and wearily climb out of bed.
You are not alone.
The number one question I get from parents is: how can I get my child to sleep later?
Believe it or not, the culprit is nearly always a too-late bedtime.
What? How can you possibly make bedtime any earlier? You are already rushing from work/daycare/afternoon baby group/walking the dog/picking up the siblings/making dinner. Plus, won't an earlier bedtime make him wake up even earlier? You can't possibly bear that.
Actually, when children miss the ideal window for bedtime, they have more trouble falling asleep and they wake up earlier. This is because their bodies produce a stress hormone, cortisol, when they miss their ideal bedtime. The stress hormone winds them up -- producing that wicked second wind you might observe at bedtime -- and making it harder for them to sleep.
I recommend that children under age 6 have about twelve hours in bed at night. And the ideal wake time is around 6:30 am, from a biological perspective. Counting back from that, the ideal bedtime is around 6:30 pm. Some babies and toddlers can't even make it that long and go to bed as early as 5 pm.
And unfortunately, we adults can't control these times very well. Baby and toddler sleep times are biologically driven, based on the times the sun rises and sets. It's also affected by the rhythm of their meal and play times. Despite the fact that the sun rises and sets at different times throughout the year (unless you are lucky enough to live close to the equator), these times seem to work best for most babies in terms of getting the highest quality sleep.
It's very hard to move bedtime earlier. I know.
My older child, when she was four, was going to bed at 6:30 pm. We also had meltdowns every afternoon at pick up from PreK. She would lie down in the hall of the big public school and refuse to walk. She was also very shy in class and would only speak to one friend.
And then we had a week off from school and I noticed she was sleeping late every morning. So I pushed her bedtime back to 6 pm and suddenly the end-of-the-day meltdowns stopped. Even better, she started speaking up in class. She was a happier, more confident child with that extra half hour of sleep. It made all the difference.
But was it easy? No. We didn't get home until 5 pm. I had an infant to tend to once we arrived. It was a mad scramble to nurse the baby while feeding my four-year-old and getting her ready for bed within the hour. Family dinners went out the window. It was stressful and hard. But it was worth it. And six months later, she didn't need as much sleep and we pushed her bedtime back to 6:30, and then 7.
The very early bedtime is hard work. It may mean that a working parent doesn't get to see his child at night. That's painful. But just like we wouldn't deprive a hungry baby of food, we shouldn't deprive a sleepy baby of the sleep his brain desperately needs.
There are wonderful things about an early bedtime, too. With your child going to bed earlier, you get to start your evening relaxation sooner. Ideally, you set an alarm on your phone to force yourself to go to bed earlier, too. And then working parents can set an alarm to get up extra early, get themselves ready, and then enjoy some wonderful early-morning (but not too early!) quality time with your well-rested little one before work.
And sometimes, an earlier bedtime is all the sleep training you need to do. The middle of the night and early morning wakings can just disappear with the appropriate bedtime.
Best of all, you will likely see dramatic changes in your youngster. After a great night's sleep, he will be calmer, happier, and more able to focus on his play. You will see him developing at his highest potential. Mornings will be less harried and rushed with everyone getting the sleep they need.
Give it a try for two weeks and see how it goes! What have you got to lose besides some sleep debt?
Want some support in making these changes? Set up a free fifteen minute chat with me.
Abby Wolfson is a pediatric nurse practitioner, certified child sleep consultant and former NICU nurse. She divides her time between Brooklyn, NY and San Miguel de Allende, Mexico.