This thoughtful New Yorker article sparked a lively debate on my friend’s Facebook wall. Most people seemed fairly hostile towards the approach.

https://www.newyorker.com/books/under-review/the-harsh-realm-of-gentle-parenting?fbclid=IwAR2w3BU2cflPZZMLad5SxE-8LtsPS5JxyW3ixNIJzn_d9-i1KywyZ7n4Mf4

The article says,  “In its broadest outlines, gentle parenting centers on acknowledging a child’s feelings and the motivations behind challenging behavior, as opposed to correcting the behavior itself.”

The New Yorker article goes on to say,  “a gentle parent holds firm boundaries, gives a child choices instead of orders, and eschews rewards, punishments, and threats—no sticker charts, no time-outs, no “I will turn this car around right now.”"

What’s interesting about this is firm boundaries and choices (versus orders) sound contradictory to me, right? You either have boundaries OR choices, not both.

VeryWellFamily.com defines gentle parenting as, “Gentle parenting focuses on fostering the qualities you want in your child by being compassionate and enforcing consistent boundaries. Unlike some more lenient parenting methods, gentle parenting also encourages discipline, but in an age-appropriate way. Discipline methods focus on teaching valuable life lessons rather than focusing on punishments.”

These two different practices with the same name seem to have contradictory ideas.

Guidepost.Montessori defines gentle parenting as, “Gentle parenting is a parenting approach that encourages a partnership between you and your child to make choices based on an internal willingness instead of external pressures. This parenting style asks you to become aware of the behaviour you model for your child, encourages compassion, welcomes emotions and accepts the child as a whole, capable being.”

It’s not clear that this third approach eschews boundaries, either. 

It looks like a lot of the controversy is based on the differences in how gentle parenting is defined versus how it is practiced. Perhaps a lot of parents who like the idea of gentle parenting have trouble maintaining boundaries? It’s hard to say.

For myself, I don’t like the term “gentle” because it sounds loaded. It sounds like maybe parents aren’t supposed to have strong emotions, never mind strong words for their child.

I don’t know about you but for me, I am definitely not gentle (in my words and feelings) all of the time.

Also, I find that people tend to equate “gentle” with permissive. Being afraid of upholding boundaries. I believe strong boundaries are essential not only for parents but for children. Boundaries make children feel safe!

I prefer the term “respectful” parenting. It sounds like it allows some big feelings on either side. It suggests that you don’t have to be calm all the time. You just have to manage those strong emotions in a thoughtful way.

I am not a leader – by any stretch of the imagination – in the respectful parenting movement, if indeed there is one.

But this is how I define respectful parenting to my clients:

• Create boundaries that respect the needs of both parent and child.
  
  For example, the parent wants to leave the bedroom after saying goodnight because the parent needs down time. This need is respected.
  
  The child is anxious about night time separation. This is also respected. 
  
  Solution: the parent commits to a caring, affectionate bedtime routine that leaves the child feeling loved when the parent turns off the light and leaves the room. This is not a perfect solution from the child's perspective and that is okay. 
  
  
• The parent is allowed to say no to requests. Full stop.
  
  Parents ask me, “but she says she needs to talk to me only after lights out – how do I handle this?”
  
  The answer is: no. You just say no. And get okay with the discomfort that provokes in your child and you.
  
  
• The parent allows big emotions.
  
  If your child runs out of time for stories (I always recommend timers for bedtime to make it clear!), you hold the boundary and you allow your child to have a big, strong reaction. You don’t explain. You don’t cajole. You don’t move the boundary. You stay calm and sympathetic and pretty much silent and just let the child express themselves.
  
  You also give yourself permission to have big emotions. That doesn’t mean you throw a tantrum like a toddler… at least, not in the presence of said toddler. But it might mean that you excuse yourself to hide in the bathroom while you take some deep breaths. Even if this means your child wails outside the bathroom door.
  
  In this way, you take care of the emotional needs of yourself and your child.
  
  
• You don’t give punishments but you do allow natural consequences.
  
  The difference?
  
  Punishments are generally done in anger or some other negative emotion and involve a consequence that is not directly related to the unwanted behavior. Example: taking away screen time because a child threw a block at another child.
  
  Natural consequences are ideally doled out calmly and in direct response to the unwanted behavior. When a block is thrown, the blocks get put away.
  
  You'll know if it is a natural consequence because the connection is clear to your child. "You are showing me you can't use the blocks safely right now so we are putting the blocks away for later." Your child may not like the consequence but she understands it. 
  
  
• You try to view your child’s behavior within a larger context.
  
  This does not mean you "let him get away with things." It means you realize -- oh, he's hitting because he's jealous of the new baby. I will physically restrain his hands to prevent him from hitting me but I will also set aside five minutes later for roughhousing play with him.  
  
  

The article says,  “In its broadest outlines, gentle parenting centers on acknowledging a child’s feelings and the motivations behind challenging behavior, as opposed to correcting the behavior itself.”

This is simply not true of respectful parenting. You acknowledge the emotion and correct the behavior. “I know you’re mad we have to leave. Do you want to put on your shoes or do you want me to help you?”

"Across the parenting boards and group texts, one can detect a certain restlessness. A fatigue is setting in: about the deference to a child's every mood, the strict maintenance of emotional affect, the notion that trying to keep to a schedule that could "authoritarian." Sometimes, the people are saying, a tantrum isn't worthy of being placed on a pedastal. Sometimes, they plead, their voices rising past a gentle threshold, you just need to put your freaking shoes on." 

I couldn't agree more... with most of this.

A tantrum should not be placed upon a pedastal. It should be tolerated, then the parent should offer a hug and move on. 

A schedule is authoritarian and there is no problem with this. Children's brains are not developed enough to drive the daily schedule. We adults need to do our adulting, parenting jobs. To make decisions that our children may not like. 

And when it's time to go, yes, you need to put on your freaking shoes. But I think this can be accomplished just as clearly without the negativity of "freaking". The reason for the "freaking" is that the parent is asking too many times. THIS, not gentle/respectful parenting, is the culprit. Ask only once, then "help" to get the job done, before you are annoyed. 

The only part of the above quote I disagree with is this: this is not a definition of respectful parenting and I bet it's not a rule of gentle parenting too. It's the opposite. 

Respectful parenting isn't easy. It's hard to always keep your cool. But by respecting your own boundaries and acting swiftly, before they are crossed, parenting actually gets a lot easier. 

Want some help with sleep or parenting (there's a lot of overlap!). Schedule a free consultation and see how life can get easier for your family. 

​

The tantrums, in this case, are happening to a six-year-old. My six-year-old. Amelie, who declares herself “the leader of the planet,” has both a bold confidence and an extreme sensitivity to criticism.

​She is also struggling at school, according to her, though according to the school, everything is great -- no fighting, no meltdowns, good cooperation and socializing. But Amelie tells us that everyone else in the class -- by which she means the three other English speakers -- are “besties” and she is only a “half bestie” because she doesn’t have scrunchies. Also, the teacher is "mean."

At home, she loses her temper easily, generally when she feels criticized, and occasionally has meltdowns, “barrinchas” in Spanish. Nobody enjoys these!

Just like all of you, I am still learning the art of parenting. We have started working with a therapist to get some strategies, and I’ve also implemented a few from my own reading. Many of these ideas I share with my clients as well.

Here are some things we are trying:

1. Using timers. I am a big fan of timers and often recommend the use of sand timers to my clients only use timers on the cell phone or iPad with my own children.
   
   Our therapist suggested using a sand timer instead. This makes total sense to me, duh. Being able to see the sand disappearing helps children to understand the passage of time, and doesn’t require us to keep reminding them that they are running out of time. Allowing the timer to be the bad guy, the one setting the boundary, instead of the parent. 
   
   The only challenging part is reinforcing the boundary set by the timer!
   
   I ordered this set of sand timers -- for $16, you get a set of 1, 3, 5, 10, 15 and 30 minutes.
   
   
2. Give warnings of upcoming transitions. If I tell Amelie to turn off the iPad now, she throws a fit. If I tell her that she needs to turn off the iPad in two minutes, and then tell her when the two minutes are up… she generally complies and actually turns it off herself. Amazing!
   
   
3. Doing chores together, instead of telling her to do them. I will admit that this is a tough one for me. I don’t want to clean up the Magnatiles that are spilled all over the floor. I have to take a deep breath first, but when I say, “let’s clean up the Magnatiles,” she helps me clean up with a minimum or reminding. Instead of my telling her over and over to clean up. To my surprise, it’s actually better for my mood in the long run to help her instead of nagging her or yelling. Even more surprising, it often turns into a mostly-pleasant couple of minutes together. Quality time together equals fewer tantrums, also. 
   
   Likewise, if I want Amelie to put her shoes on to be ready to leave for school, I have to say, “Let’s put on our shoes.” And then put on my own shoes… even though I am not actually leaving the house!
   
   The therapist wants me to get baskets for cleaning up and I admit that I haven’t tried that yet. I like to put things away where they go -- the Lego box or the Magnatile bin -- but she insists that having a basket for each of us (and then transferring things from the basket to the specific storage container) is better. If you have tried this, let me know how it worked for you! I am still skeptical.
   
   
4. Pull back her hair. This suggestion came from the teacher, but was seconded by the therapist. Amelie prefers to wear her hair loose, but the therapist says that hair in her face keeps her from seeing the body language of her classmates when they are playing, and likewise keeps them from observing her reactions. They want her hair pulled back for school and camp.
   
   The therapist suggests I model this behavior, I too. I hate having things in my hair because they give me a headache but… I am considering it.
   
   
5. Don’t carry her to and from school. The teachers at Amelie’s Waldorf school feel that it’s important for Amelie to walk from the car to the school entrance on her own two feet, that it grounds her with the earth. I have no idea if this is true but at six, I can grudgingly admit that it's probably time to eliminate carrying my "baby." (Thinking of her as my baby is probably a big issue too but I haven't figured out how to tackle that just yet!)
   
   Amelie likes to be carried on Sergio’s shoulders to and from school but fortunately hasn’t protested this change too much.
   
   
6. Doing more chores together. The therapist reminded us that preschool children learn primarily through imitation, not instruction. So the best way to have her help is to include her. Luckily, she loves to help… when I take the time to invite her, even though her “help” often slows me down. She is especially fond of setting the table, and positively glows when I praise her. Which brings me to…
   
   
7. More praise. This is one I am reminding myself of. Amelie loves verbal praise. (Interestingly, her sister does not. So it’s not a universal thing.) She’ll ask me, “are you so happy that I am helping?” And all I have to do is agree. Easy peasy.
   
   I am also working on praising her for other, less obvious things. Yesterday, Calliope accidentally switched songs in the car while Amelie’s song was playing. When Amelie took it in stride, I made sure to rave about it. 
   
   I totally believe that if you just praise the behavior you want to see, it will happen more often. I just have to remember the praise.
   
   
8. Less yelling. Another one that I am reminding myself of without any help from an outside expert.
   
   I am working on taking a breath first, instead of giving in to the impulse to yell. This isn’t always easy for me, as there was a lot of yelling in my family of origin. But I don’t want to be a person who yells, and when I see Calliope yell at Amelie in exactly the same tone that I use, I cringe.
   
   I can already see a difference in Amelie. When I yell less, she is more calm.
   
   And when I start to yell and then pull myself back, she recovers a lot more quickly.
   
   
9. Time outs. These are not typically a strategy that I recommend to clients, because I think being separated from the family can be really upsetting, even traumatizing, for a young child.
   
   But in Amelie’s case, I can see that all the quiet sympathy in the world can be triggering instead of soothing when she is out of control.
   
   In those cases, I say nothing and silently take her by the hand and lead her to her room. I leave the door open -- to make it clear that it’s not a punishment -- and tell her that she can come back when she feels calm.
   
   She generally curls up on her bed with her lovey and when she returns -- not all that quickly, suprisingly -- she is a new kid. Calm and pleasant. She clearly needs time to reset. I am thankful that she doesn’t fight these time outs and that I don’t have to force her to stay in her room.
   
   
10. Making amends. The therapist recommends that we ask Amelie to draw a picture as an apology when she has hurt someone. I am not sure that compelling her to apologize is really a wise standard -- she tends to do it on her own once she calms down. I don’t really think that a grudging apology helps anyone. But I am considering it.
    
    
11. Strengthening her “waiting muscle.” This is another one I thought up on my own -- I hope it’s a good idea!
    
    Amelie has a really hard time waiting sometimes, mainly for her turn in the conversation. She also had a hard time waiting for Sergio to push her in the hammock after dinner.
    
    I think that strengthening her abiltity to wait is a useful skill so I have started setting a timer for her to wait for roughhousing, and we ask her to wait for her turn in the conversation as well. If she has a meltdown over it, well, we try to ignore it.
    
    
12. Star charts. It makes me laugh but Amelie is strangely motivated by star charts… even without getting any extrinsic reward. Just seeing that star on her white board motivates and thrills her.
    
    Adults are susceptible too. A coach I like recommends an “urge jar” for dieting adults -- every time you withstand an urge to eat a food not on your plan, you put a marble into your urge jar. As the marbles pile up in your jar, you feel more motivated to stick to your plan. 

Parenting is an art, not a science. I am always trying to learn and grow as a parent. What interventions have you tried? What has worked best for you and your family?

PS If your child is overtired, behavior will almost certainly be more challenging. Schedule a free consult to find out if your child is in need of more sleep. ​

We’ve been dealing with a lot of temper tantrums in my house. As my youngest gets older, she gets more skillful at being hurtful.

“You’re the WORST! I hate you! You’re not the best mommy in the history of mommies!”

Followed by a more pitiful, “Why does no one love me? Why do you hate me?”

It all feels really unfair. Obviously, I’ve never said that I hated her. I adore her… most of the time. Occasionally, I don’t like her behavior and I tell her so.

She can’t see the distinction.

And so I remind her that I love her, always, and that I also need her to clean up her mess.

I’m starting work this week with the family of a three-and-a-half year old boy. They successfully sleep trained him as a baby but now he won’t go to sleep unless his father lies down with him. The boy -- let’s call him Oliver -- is clearly exhausted. He tends to throw massive tantrums. His mother said to me, “clearly we can’t do Cry It Out with a three year old.”

I disagree.

Sometimes children need to cry. Sometimes we all need to cry.
Crying is not a problem. Screaming is not a problem. Having a tantrum is not a problem.

Oliver is crying because he’s exhausted and he doesn’t know how to get the sleep he needs. He’s rightfully frustrated. But he’ll tell his parents that he’s mad because Mommy wants to do the bedtime routine, or he’s hungry (after skipping dinner because he was too tired to eat) or he wants to play one more game.

Oliver doesn’t know that sleep is what he needs to feel better.

Maintain the limit -- that it’s time for bed and he can’t have one more game/a cookie/Daddy when it’s Mommy’s turn to do bedtime. Let him get upset.

He also doesn’t know that he needs to empty his emotional backpack. Both he and his parents are a little scared of it. He may be carrying big emotions about quarantine, or about Daddy working from home and not being available to him, or Big Sister taking his toy in the sandbox.

Whatever it is, welcome the tantrum. It’s not dangerous. Embrace the storm. Sit quietly and wait for it to pass. Don’t try to explain to him why his feelings are wrong -- that never feels good. Sit on the floor next to him and make comforting noises if he allows it. He may not. He might not want you to even look at him.

Just wait. When the storm has passed, he will crawl into your arms and feel so much better. He will know that his emotions aren’t a problem for you, that you can handle them, no matter how big. That you are still his fearless leader. No matter what. You are the adult and you’ve got him. 

So if I'm being honest, no, I don't love tantrums. They are really unpleasant. But I am practicing embracing them and letting them wash over both of us. I can see that things in our house are getting easier, gradually, as a result.

Ready to embrace some tantrums and get your family the sleep you deserve? Set up a free consult and find out how you can all be sleeping peacefully in two weeks or less. Schedule a Free Consult
​

Dear Abby,

I want to sleep train my two daughters, ages 5 months old and 2.5 years old, respectively, but I have a problem. I am scared that if I let either child cry, she will wake her sister. Two children awake at the same time, especially in the middle of the night, is my personal nightmare. 

As a result, I am feeding the baby every 2-3 hours all night long, to keep her quiet, and I have to crawl into the crib with my older daughter several times each night to soothe her back to sleep. It can take up to an hour each time to get her sleeping again. 

Also, my older daughter refuses to let my husband put her to bed -- she screams if he tries to help -- and I am exclusively breastfeeding the baby, so I have to do everything myself. 

I am completely exhausted and I don’t know what to do. Please help!

Thanks,
​
Leah

Fear of waking a sibling is a common theme with the parents I work with. Many of my clients live in apartments or small houses. And many of my families with twins need or want to keep their children together in one room. 

I get it. I've been there. I was in a one bedroom apartment until my older daughter was one. Then I had a two bedroom apartment until my younger daughter was two-and-a-half. And of course, my children still share a room whenever we travel. 

So we have experienced a lot of room sharing in my life as a parent. It's challenging, no doubt about it. 

Here's my advice: lean in. Embrace the pain. Don't try to keep one quiet to avoid waking the other.

Here's why: as long as you are desperate to keep one child quiet to avoid waking the other, your children are in control. And if they are a toddler or older, they undoubtedly know it. And will use it to their advantage.

Unlike new parents, children are designed to learn to sleep through their siblings' noises. There is no biological advantage to a sibling waking up to the sounds of another child, so with practice, they can learn to sleep through it. 

This is especially true for twins but also holds true for siblings with an age difference.

Here's some more specific tips: 

1. Use a white noise machine. Every time. There's no reason to make this any harder than it already is. I like this white noise machine by Homemedics. It's small, inexpensive, light-weight, and loud. Every easy to throw into even a compact diaper bag. 
   
   If you are worried about dependence on this tool, stop. It's better to have a well-rested set of children than children that are attached to this tool (but can learn to sleep without it) than a chronically exhausted family. 
   
   
2. Accept that the only way your children can learn to sleep through each others' noise is to let them practice. As long as you are dancing between them, playing bedtime-whack-a-mole, you are a prisoner. Set yourself free. Children cry sometimes. It's okay. If one is crying, reassure the other that everything is okay. And then let them be. Whatever your preferred method of sleep training is, let those babies cry. It's the fastest way to learn. It's the only way to learn. 
   
   
3. A giant exception to rule two: if one child is a good sleeper and the other is not (this comes up frequently with twins), take the good sleeper into your bedroom temporarily. Set up a travel crib or cot on the floor so you can sleep train the bad sleeper without fear. Keep the good sleeper in your room -- but not in your bed! -- for a week or two. Just long enough to train the bad sleeper. Then get them back to room sharing again. 
   
   
4. Try very, very hard to have the children on complimentary sleep schedules. Unless you are that rare parent, at least during COVID, where you crave more one-on-one time with each child. If so, rock on. But most of my parents need alone time more than one-on-one time. 
   
   So if both your children nap, wrestle with the start times until they overlap. That might mean putting one down a little earlier than you might otherwise, or putting the other down a little later than ideal. Usually the first option works better since it's much easier for a child to fall asleep before becoming overtired. It's also easier to fall asleep while your sibling is playing in her own crib than it is to stay asleep if your sibling wakes up first, since she is more sleepy at the beginning of the nap than the end. 
   
   So for example, if your two-year-old ordinarily naps at 1 pm and your 5-month-old's second nap is at 11:30 am, compromise a bit for each and put them both down at 12 pm. And maybe cap the toddler's nap so that the two children can both go to bed for the night at 7 pm. 
   
   Alternatively, if your twins roomshare and one needs more sleep than the other, you can try to put the more tired one down first, then sneak in half hour later with the lower-sleep-needs baby. Don't wait too long to bring in the second baby, no more than thirty minutes, or the first will wake more easily. 
   
   
5. And one more thing for the partnered among us: unless one of you is lactating and thus, physically required for bedtime (maybe), don't let your child decide that only one parent is allowed to put him to bed. If, like Leah, your youngster will scream at bedtime if he doesn't have Mommy... so be it. Let him scream. Be sympathetic but firm. The adults make the rules, not the children. 
   
   The reason is this is two-fold. One, each adult needs a break sometimes from -- let's face it -- the tedium of bedtime. And two, children need to know that the adults are the rule-makers. It might seem like your child will be happier when he always gets his way, but actually, limits are extremely reassuring to children. Children need to know that they can test the rules and the rules won't change, no matter how much they protest. It makes them feel safe. So don't be afraid of tantrums. Lean in. It's good for him. 
   ​

As parents, we all want to make things easier for our children. But sometimes, making things easier -- in this case, trying to prevent one sibling from waking another -- is making things worse for everyone. Your children need you to be well-rested. And they will be so much better off when they can sleep through others' noises and get a great night of sleep without you. You are giving them a great gift, the gift of great sleep. There will just be a challenging period of adjustment to get there. You -- and they -- can survive that. 

If you would like achieving this goal, or any other sleep goal, schedule a free chat and get your family the sleep you deserve.