​Janet Lansbury, author of No Bad Kids and creator of the podcast Unruffled is one of my favorite parenting coaches. I love her ideas about how making space for children’s big emotions – without changing our boundaries – is ultimately more respectful to children than negotiating and caving to their demands.  

This week she blogged about sleep training (although she doesn't like to call it that).

Here’s her key takeaways.
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1. Babies are easily overstimulated and overtired. Keeping them awake because you don’t want them to cry before sleep is not respecting their needs.
   
   
2. Babies actually like routine and habits. They can develop a habit of relying on parents to help them sleep but they are also capable of developing the habit of putting themselves to sleep.
   
   
3. When making changes to the routine, respectful communication is essential. She recommends three steps:
   
   
   1. Develop good communication by, for example, remembering to ask “are you ready for me to pick you up?” before you scoop her up.
      
      
   2. Be honest about the upcoming changes, ““After your bath we’ll nurse and then I’ll sing a song while we snuggle and take you to your bed so you can rest. Usually we rock and rock, but tonight we’ll snuggle and then say goodnight in your bed.”
      
      Note: Lansbury doesn’t like calling it “sleep training” because “not only because it sounds unnatural and forced, but also because transitioning to healthier sleep habits is actually the opposite of training — it is more like un-training. We are respectfully un-training the children we’ve trained to be lulled to sleep by rocking, bouncing, fencing, carrying and car rides.
      
      
   3. Support, acknowledge, and respect feelings, “This is hard for you. It feels different. You like nursing to sleep. You will soon learn to relax without nursing to sleep.”
      
      
4. Let go. Release your own stress at bedtime so that you express calm and create a peaceful bedtime routine that will help your little one peacefully drift off to dreamland.
   
   

Lansbury also warns against pitying our children for needing to go to sleep, or fearing a battle with them.

Many parents fear sleep training and I was one of them. I thought it would be a terrible, guilt-inducing experience.

Imagine my surprise when I found that sleep training was actually an empowering experience. My babies became calm, confident, predictable little creatures. They never cried after that because I always knew exactly when and what they needed.

But don’t take my word for it. Take Janet Lansbury’s. Great sleep is a beautiful gift for your child and your entire family.

If you are ready for great sleep for your family and aren’t sure where to start, schedule a free consult and be well-rested by the end of the month. Guaranteed.

Hi Abby,

I hope all is well. 

I procrastinated responding since I kept hoping Susan’s sleep would improve again, but it really hasn't.  When we first followed the plan, she adapted after just a few nights. 

We were away for 4 days over Christmas, and even though we tried the same routine when we returned, she screamed and screamed that she wanted the door open for multiple consecutive days/nights - and spent lots of time during the day asking that we "not put the lock on her door."  (the lock, by the way, allows for ther door to be open about 4-5 inches.)

We're really now at a loss for what to do, because she seemed so unhappy even during the day while we were attempting to keep her in her room.  A few nights ago we started sitting in her room again for her to fall asleep, and then she eventually wakes up and comes back to our room - which is obviously not great, but she is much happier and less upset during the day.  So we're back at an impasse...

If you have any thoughts, would appreciate hearing them as we're pretty stuck....

Thanks,
Lydia 

hi Lydia,
 
Thanks for your email. I am sorry to hear that you are struggling with sleep again, and feeling stuck.

It’s always hard when the routine changes with travel, and the bigger the exception you make in her routine – for example, if she slept in your room and especially if she slept in your bed – the harder it is to get back to the old routine. 
 
I think -- I am guessing -- that apart from making exceptions to the rules, that the problem here is that it's feeling really uncomfortable for the two of you to hear your precious Susan telling you how much she doesn't like being alone in her room. Understandably so! No one wants to hear their child crying and protesting! And if that triggers of your own baggage -- and we all have baggage -- it's that much harder for you two.
 
But I wonder if part of the discomfort for you guys is that you have an idea that it "should" be easier for her now, that she "should" want to go to sleep alone, and stay in her bed all night?
 
One of the things that I am working on in my own life is thinking about challenges as "of course it's supposed to be hard."

So, for example, I am learning to stand up for myself differently in a close relationship with a family member and the other person is actually not that pleased about it! Suprise, surprise! And him not liking it is really uncomfortable for me, in turn. 

But when I think, "of course this person doesn't like that I am re-drawing the map of our relationship -- it's super uncomfortable for people when we change! People don't want to have change imposed upon them. And it doesn't mean I am doing something wrong!"
 
So... what if you thought, "of course Susan doesn't want to be alone at night. Of course she doesn't want to be alone in her room. It's normal for young children to want to be close to their parents...  It's normal for children to cry when they are left alone in a room when they know there's an option of being in their parents' bed. (Even if it doesn't serve anyone's need for great rest.) And that's not a problem! We know that we all need better sleep. She doesn't know that and so we are going to do this hard thing because we know it's necessary." 
 
So my thought is -- decide what you want to do in terms of her sleep and then allow her to protest. Know that her sleep will improve again with your consistency and let it be okay for her to be unhappy.
 
You can shower all the love and affection in the world on her during the day... and let her be upset at night. Know that she will recover and she will be securely attached to you (all the studies show this to be true) and be so much happier for being well rested. And you will be better parents, spouses, employees and human beings when you are well-rested, too.

So get comfortable with the idea of discomfort. Know that this is exactly what is supposed to happen. Welcome it. Remind yourselves that all of this is part of the plan. And you will all be so much better off at the other end of this journey. Not only because you will all be well-rested but also because you will be that much better at sitting with an processing discomfort. Even better, Susan will have learned that she can do hard things and succeed. 
 
I am still working on this myself, every single day. It's hard, hard work. But I can see my whole life changing as a result. 

We can do hard things.

Warmly, 
 
Abby

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Are you on the fence about sleep training? Worried it could be harmful to your child?

You are not alone. Many parents feel the same.

To address your concern, Emily Oster, professor of economics at Brown University and the author of Expecting Better. “What to Expect When You’re Expecting meets Freakonomics: an award-winning economist disproves standard recommendations about pregnancy to empower women while they’re expecting" lays out the data on sleep training. 

First off, she says, without a doubt, it's effective. She looks at three different meta-analyses -- one based on extinction (aka CIO), one based on timed checks (such as Ferber), and one based on the chair method (parent stays in the room) and all showed significant progress in children's sleep. Best of all, the progress persisted 6-12 months after the end of sleep training. 

Next, she looked at studies that claimed that sleep training is dangerous. And what she found -- similar to my own research -- is that none of the studies that state that sleep training is dangerous are actually based on children being sleep trained.

Instead, they are based on children in long-term stressful situations. The most common was children in Romanian orphanages. These children were left in cribs for years with virtually no adult contact. They were also subjected to years of emotional and physical abuse.

Data gleaned from these studies is then extrapolated to be applied to children in loving homes who are being sleep trained.

I think we can all agree that that is hardly a fair comparison. 

Looking at studies of children being sleep trained in healthy homes, she found that children's attachment to their parents actually increased after sleep training. Five years later, there was no difference in attachment between children who were sleep trained and children who were not. And as above, sleep training was shown to be effective in improving sleep.

Finally, she says that we may never be able to prove, without a shadow of a doubt, that sleep training isn't harmful BUT we have also not proved that sleep deprivation isn't harmful. Oster says, "Among other things, you could easily argue the opposite: maybe sleep training is very good for some kids -- they really need the uninterrupted sleep -- and there is a risk of damaging your child by not sleep training." 

There is no research yet on this compelling point, but the research would be fascinating. Anectdotally, hundreds of parents have reported to me that their children are noticeably happier -- not just more secure but also more calm, more focused on their play, less likely to have meltdowns, and more eager to go to sleep -- after sleep training. Take it from them that sleep training is beneficial and consider: what are the costs to your child to not sleep training? 

If you are considering sleep training, schedule a free chat and find out more information about what it would look like for your family. You'll get some free tips and there's no obligation to buy. 







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We have this idea that life with small children is supposed to be relaxing, blissful, even.

I would argue that very little in life with little ones is relaxing, never mind blissful.

This does not mean something has gone wrong with you. This does not mean there is something wrong with your children. This is a normal part of parenting youngsters. 

Have you heard of the parenting book All Joy and No Fun: The Paradox of Modern Parenthood? I've heard it's great and certainly  the title beautifully sums up the reality of parenting. 

Parenting is hard work. It's beautiful, messy, hard, sometimes tedious and even excruciating, hard work. 

Our culture has high standards about what parenting is supposed to look like. Think of Pinterest images of carefully curated lunches for children.

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If creating works of art for your toddler's lunch -- art which she will forget in one miute -- is your jam, rock on. But if it's not, know that your child's life as a functioning adult will not be altered one iota by this "lack" of yours.

In fact, creating unreasonably high standards for ourselves make our children's lives less happy... not to mention our own. 

A recent study on child attachment published in the journal Child Development of low socioeconomic status mothers in 83 mother-child pairs  (only mothers and children were enrolled) who responded appropriately just 50% of the time had children who were securely attached. 

In other words, your child can be securely attached even if you are far from perfect. Hallelujah. 

The premise of "attachment parenting" (which has borrowed the word "attachment" but is not based on the actual study of attachment) has unfortunately taught many parents that they need to be literally tied to their babies for months at a time. This can actually promote an insecure attachment if the parent becomes so exhausted and depleted that they are no longer able to be fully present for their child.

Setting boundaries and limits can actually promote, not harm, a secure attachment between adult and child. 

Another example of this is sleep training. So often, I see parents who are afraid to sleep train because they think their children will be damaged by a few nights of crying. They fear that not being 100% available will leave their child feel abandoned or even traumatized.

Past clients will all attest that the opposite is true. Their children became much happier when their sleep needs were being met adequately.

Let's talk about how to cut ourselves some slack. So often, we have a script running in our heads of how a "good" parent would think, speak, and behave. 

I am learning -- and only recently absorbing -- from my own coaching work that allowing negative thoughts and feelings actually allows them to pass more quickly. I always thought that allowing "ugly" thoughts and feelings was condoning them. 

But the truth is allowing those ugly thoughts and feelings and noticing that they are just thoughts and feelings is key to becoming the people we strive to be.

My own coach has taught me to lay my two hands upon my chest and breathe and say, "Ah, I am feeling angry. This is anger. It makes so much sense that I am angry. Of course the thoughts I am thinking are making me feel angry."

I am not agreeing with my story. I am just noticing it, and agreeing that that story creates a certain feeling. 

I try to focus on the feeling and not on the story, because it's all too easy for me to slip into the story and get embroiled in a court room drama in my head. If I see myself doing this, I gently bring myself back to just noticing the feeling and stay with it. As many times as is necessary. 

Let me be clear: this is not a fun exercise.

But it's powerful. In most cases, after 5-10 minutes, I feel a sudden release and shift of energy. My negative emotions are much less intense. I feel ready to move on. I feel better. Not 100% better, but somehow liberated. 

So the next time your toddler dumps an entire bottle of intensely concentrated laundry detergent on the floor of the pantry -- this happened to a friend recently -- take a breath and don't tell yourself to calm down. Tell yourself, "it's okay to be angry." Keep your hands on your chest and allow the anger. Welcome it. Breathe it in. I promise it will pass. So much faster than if you think, "how could you let the child have access to laundry detergent? How dare you be angry?"

This will no doubt be a lifelong work in progress for me, but I am happy to say that just a few weeks of regular practice has made a huge difference already. 

So trust me, exhausted, burned out, depleted parent. Take care of yourself. It will pay huge dividends. And in the meantime, the kids are all right. 

Would you like coaching on sleep or on how to be happier in parenting? I promise there is nothing wrong with you. You just need a little help managing your brain, as we all do.

​Schedule a free consult to get free sleep tips or to get in on an amazing introductory life coaching package. 

So many of already have our New Year’s Resolutions teed up. We know just the changes we are going to make…. Soon. But not now. We’re not ready yet.

First we have to get through the holidays. 

But what if the holidays could be a lot more fun if you stopped waiting, and started achieving your goals right now?

For so many folks, myself included, the hardest part is not making the changes… it’s just DECIDING to make the changes. 

For example, many families fear that starting sleep training means embarking on a long period of relentless crying.

And they are relieved to find that many times, positive change can start with just changing the schedule. Moving bedtime earlier, or switching to a clock-based-schedule from an awake-based-nap schedule. Or starting a gentle, gradual night wean that results in nothing more than a few squawks.

If you want to eat healthier, maybe you decide to just have one serving of dessert instead of three at the family gathering. That can hardly be described as suffering. The truth is, you'll feel really good about getting to enjoy that treat and not waking up with guilt and stomach upset the next morning. 

It’s so easy to engage in all-or-nothing thinking but the truth is, even small changes can lead to big results. And small wins can make it a lot easier to face the bigger challenges later on. 

Don’t you deserve to feel victorious already when you ring in the new year?

Buy before January 1st and lock in 2021 prices. Pay now and redeem later. And apply for reimbursement for your HSA account for 2021 before it's too late. 
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Book a free consult before December 24th or buy directly from the website before January 1.