Not long ago, the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) changed its recommendation for roomsharing, dropping their recommendation to at least 6 months of rooming-in with your baby instead of 12 months.
But many families I work with wonder if they can stop sooner than that. Why? Well, most babies and adults sleep longer, and more deeply when they are not sharing a room. We hypothesize that that is because we aren’t waking each other up with those little noises we all make while sleeping, babies too. But is it safe? Although it’s annoying, it seems like too-deep sleep for young babies might be a risk factor for SIDS, right? Emily Oster (Cribsheet) did a deep dive into the literature and found that room sharing actually only significantly reduces the risk of SIDS during the first four months of sleep. In fact, she says, “the choice of sharing a room, or even sharing a bed, does not seem to affect SIDS risk after three or four months, at least for parents who are nonsmokers.” (Smoking is a known risk factor for SIDS.) Moreover, she says, room sharing after 4 month has a significant negative effect on child sleep after 4 months old. And certainly, we can all agree, doesn’t have a positive impact on parents’ sleep (no one sleeps well with a crying baby in one’s bedroom!). In fact, she says, babies who slept alone at 4 months also slept longer alone at 9 months old, even longer than babies who started sleeping alone later than 4 months. And “these differences were still present when the child was two and a half years old.” At 9 months old, babies who slept alone slept 45 minutes longer per night than those who were still room sharing. If we consider that sleep is just as important for healthy brain development as food – and I, personally, do – than we can see that not room sharing after 4 months old is often the healthiest and best choice for a baby as well as her parents. Of course, I always recommend that parents read the literature for themselves! This is not a decision to make lightly. But I found Oster’s conclusions quite surprising and compelling. (Chapter 6, Recommendation 3, from Cribsheet -- check it for yourself.) Are you thinking about moving your baby out of your room but feeling a bit nervous about tromping down the hall to his room multiple times a night? Let’s talk on a free consult call about how we can reduce your baby’s night wakings – maybe even gradually but fully night weaning, if you’re ready for that! – so that the move to a separate bedroom means better sleep for everyone, not just your baby.
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You know that annoying feeling when you’ve finally got your child settled in bed at night and you’re mentally exhaling after a very long day, looking forward to finally being “done” for the night? You’re looking forward to eating something, a little Netflix, or even just tackling leftover work, the dishes, or the laundry?
And then you hear that little voice calling loudly from the bedroom, “Maaaaaaaahm?” or “Daaaaaaaaad?” And you inwardly groan with exasperation, but outwardly pull yourself together and patiently go back to the child’s bedroom to respond to yet another request for water, a hug, to fix the blanket, to replace a missing stuffy, to respond to a “very important” question or thought about the day, or one of a hundred other silly things? You’re not alone if you are frustrated by this. I venture to guess that almost every parent is. And it’s not by accident. Your child knows that you are turning your focus from them to yourself and your adult pursuits, or the needs of another child, and it unconsciously freaks them out. That feeling of not being your primary focus is unsettling for them, even though it's healthy. It also unconsciously freaks them out because small humans are biologically programmed to want to be near their adults at all times. It makes perfect evolutionary sense: stray too far from the cave and a little one might get eaten by a tiger. However, we no longer live in caves and no longer have to fear tigers. So we have collectively decided to work against evolution in the pursuit of alone time to get chores done, relax, and get better sleep for everyone. This means that we adults have to practice setting clear boundaries at bedtime. Clear boundaries does not mean that we tell our child to stay in bed and they do it. Clear boundaries means that we tell our child that we won’t come back after lights out and we stick to it. We don’t respond to requests for attention after lights out. We fulfill all the requests before lights out and then, that’s it. (Boundaries are things that WE do, not things that we ask OTHERS to do.) This can feel really mean. We worry that we will traumatize our children if we don’t respond. What if they think they aren’t loved? What if they can’t sleep without their water (which is next to them on the bedside table but maybe they forgot?), their 14th best stuffie, their blanket at just the right angle? This is hard. BUT. Secure, consistent boundaries are the best way to make children feel safe and secure. Far from traumatizing them, they actually feel a LOT safer when they know what the rules are and they see their adults do things the same way they say they will, every single time. No child will say, “hey thanks for not giving me my 14th favorite stuffy back. I feel so much more secure now.” But my clients report again and again and again that their children are so much happier when their parents put an end to the bedtime shenanigans. There’s a few hard nights and then peace reigns. Children are better rested and parents have their batteries recharged. It’s a win for everyone. Doing this requires that parents have a strong stomach. Many of us have trauma from childhood that makes holding boundaries really, really hard. Let me help you process that discomfort – no, you don’t have to dig into the trauma if you don’t want to – so that you can hold strong boundaries with your child, leading to a happier, more rested family. Schedule a free parent coaching session here and look forward to peaceful evenings for yourself. What’s the best age to sleep train? When is too early? Have I missed the boat if I haven’t started yet and my kid is x months or years old?
The first answer is, it’s never too late to sleep train. No matter how old your kid is, there is hope for you. So many families come to me, shamefaced, worried they’d missed the boat on sleep training. No, it’s not too late for you (unless your child no longer lives at home). Please don’t beat yourself up for not starting sooner! And in most cases, it’s also never too early to start sleep training or at least, sleep shaping (in the case of very young babies). If your goal is get your child to sleep through the night, and you want close to 100% odds of success, your safest bet is to wait until at least 6 months. (Please note: I do not consider sleeping 11 pm to 5 am to be sleeping through the night, nor do I consider night feeds part of sleeping through the night.) However, if you wait until 6 months old, you also miss out on improved sleep well before then. Many babies do sleep through the night before 6 months old – my youngest was sleeping through the night by 4 months old, and the other two of them before 3 months old. Moreover, you don’t have to define success only as sleeping through the night. If your baby is currently waking up multiple times a night at younger than 6 months old, we can certainly improve the situation if not entirely night train them. I typically don’t work with babies younger than 6 weeks old, just because I want to make sure that feeding is well-established, but the truth is, you can start working on appropriate wake windows from day one. I was sure my one-day-old baby had an intestinal blockage because she wouldn’t stop screaming while we were still in the hospital. The pediatirican examined her and found nothing wrong. He said that she was hungry and i should offer formula. But she refused the bottle. Finally, she passed out and woke up a bit later, perfectly content. She had been overtired. You can start working with wake windows and sleepy cues from your baby’s earliest days. This doesn’t lead to any crying, and preventing your baby from getting overtired should reduce crying. I thought my oldest was colicky but once I shortened her wake windows and started going by sleepy cues (I was not a sleep consultant at the time), her so-called colic disappeared over night. It had been overtiredness. If your child is already in preschool, the good news is that sleep training usually goes more quickly at this age. The reason for this is that we are able to prepare this age group ahead of time with a Family Sleep Meeting, visual checklists, visual timers, roughhousing play and talking things out. That doesn’t mean they’ll agree to the changes the first time bedtime rolls around! But the transition generally happens pretty quickly, even with the most gradual of methods. If you’ve been holding off on meeting to discuss sleep training because your child is too young, too old, too stubborn, or something else… go ahead and set up a complimentary sleep consult! There’s hope for you! Parents often ask about an intermediate option between cry it out and the most gradual options (which are typically the most time consuming methods).
Here’s what you need to know about timed checks. First off, there are no no-cry methods, for most kids. Sorry. I know that’s a bummer. If there was a no-cry method, I would be all over it! ***There are some kids – usually 3 and up – who don’t end up crying at all after we prepare them adequately for the sleep training process. And there are some gentle options for very little babies that likewise don’t involve crying. Given that, the question becomes: what is the easiest way for your child to learn to sleep independently. Timed checks are a popular option. The basic gist of them is that you leave the child alone and awake in their room. You set a timer and come back every few minutes for a brief check-in. You typically do not pick them up or even pat them, because this tends to ultimately be more upsetting for kids… because when you get close enough to touch your child, your child thinks you are going to pick them up… and they get really frustrated when they realize the truth. So the check is usually just 10-20 seconds. You pop your head in and say a calm sleep mantra, something like, “it’s time to sleep, I love you, I’ll check on you again in a few minutes.” Then you wait another pre-determined interval. With traditional Ferber, you increase the waiting time each time. Another method recommends staying at every 5 minutes. I generally recommend increasing the interval because the checks are stimulating… but some of my colleagues do not. Likewise with traditional Ferber, you do not go back in if the child’s crying is winding down. In that case, you stop the clock and set it back to zero. You only start it again if the crying ramps up again. A common misconception is that the check-ins will be soothing. They generally are not soothing for babies and toddlers. Preschoolers and above are more likely to be soothed by them, because they are able to understand your intent with coming back. From a baby or toddler’s perception, popping your head in and not picking them up is frustrating. That doesn’t mean it’s not worthwhile, though. There may be value in teaching them that you always come back… it just takes a few days to see the benefit. Personally, doing timed checks with my oldest just enraged her, so I only checked on her a few times. With my youngest, timed checks were helpful at 5 months and younger because I could replace the pacifier. When I try to do them now, at 8 months, they make her hysterical. I only go in if her pacifier has fallen to the floor. There is, unfortunately, no perfect, no-cry method, nor one that is successful with 100% of children. But timed checks can be an effective method for many families. Want to talk about what method would be best for your family? Schedule a free consult and find out how your family can be sleeping better in 2 weeks or less, guaranteed. (For babies 6 months or older. Success rates are not 100% in younger babies, due to variability in their ability to self-soothe..) Last week, at 8 months old, my daughter Valentina started waking up at 2:30 am. Very upset and wanting to eat.
The thing was, she hadn’t eaten at night since she was 4 months old. (I had sleep trained her then.) I didn’t know why she was suddenly waking up at night again. I thought maybe a developmental leap, since there are still no teeth in sight, and she seems perfectly healthy. (In hindsight, she finally rolled over last week onto her belly – she’d been teetering on her side for months but wouldn’t commit to fully rolling – and since then, immediately has been rolling across the room like a maniac, threatening to smash into walls. So it probably was developmental but hindsight is 20:20). So after the third night of waking up at night, I decided that something needed to be done. This was quickly becoming a habit, and one that was not helping my sleep nor her own. So the next night, when she woke up at 2:20 am, I went in once, after 5 minutes, to offer her pacifier and make sure she didn’t have a fever or a dirty diaper. And then I went back to bed. And listened to her cry. Her bed is a little nook right off my room and there are slats in her door to give it ventilation so… it felt like she was almost right next to me. It was loud. It was torturous. I hated it. Here’s why I did it. Every time I go in to check on her, her crying gets so much louder. She’s infuriated, lately, by my coming and then leaving again. She spits out her pacifier. She is most definitely not reassured. And I don’t have the patience for sitting next to her, patting her, and I don’t think it would be comforting to her anyway. Nursing her back to sleep was definitely not teaching her to be a better sleeper. It was teaching her to wake up for a midnight snack every night. I figured CIO was the fastest, and therefore most merciful, way to get the job done. And thankfully, I was right. The next night she made a few squaks at around 2 am, and since then, she’s slept through the night. She wakes up happy and so do I. CIO isn’t the right choice for every baby and every family. I never tell a family that they need to do CIO. When I work with families, I help them make the right choice for their family. For very young babies and for preschoolers, there sometimes isn’t any crying. For those in between ages, well, there generally is some crying but it is temporary and great sleep is on the other side… no matter what method you choose. If you are thinking about sleep training but are worried about your child crying, you are not alone. It can be daunting to think about. Schedule a free consult and let’s talk about your options and what you can expect, should you decide to sleep train. I’m here to help. No pressure to buy. January is my busiest month with my business. Which is great. I welcome the work. But I also struggle with overwhelm, and this year is no exception. Adding COVID (my own) made things exponentially worse. I didn't have time to take time off (not a recommended strategy, but such is life as a solopreneur) because doing so would have made my return to work so much harder... but pushing through and working while sick made the slog so much harder.
Anyway, I'm better now, maybe a bit more tired than usual, but just looking at my to do list makes me exhausted all over again. And super discouraged. Completely overwhelmed. I'm doing my best to coach myself through it and thought I'd share my strategies with y'all. First off, be completely kind to yourself. No one ever got more done by being called a lazy sack of sh*t. Or being told that your situation is hopeless. Second off, prioritize quality sleep whenever possible. Not only will you feel better but your brain will work a whole lot better, which means checking things off your list a lot faster. Once you've done those two essential things, here's what's next. 1. Remind yourself that you can only do one thing at a time. Multitasking is actually a misnomer. No one can really do more than one thing at a time, unless one is mindless. Instead, what you end up doing is spend a lot of extra energy switching from task to task. So pick the most important thing on your list and focus on that. Get that done and then move on to the next. If you have a lot of interruptions, well, welcome to life as a working parent. Do your best to minimize them and then get on with it. If you can possibly work in a location where you are less likely to be interrupted, choose that. 2. Make a list. Get everything down on paper (or on your phone) so that you don't waste any mental energy trying to remember things. That is wasted energy that can be better used elsewhere. 3. Go through your list (quickly) and star the things that are most important. Things that are the most urgent are usually not the most important. Example, I was working with my accountability partner last week on business generating activities and the first thing she did was: call her daughter at home to ask a question about scheduling gymnastics class. This felt urgent -- and my friend no doubt felt like her brain would be freed up once it was done -- but it wasn't actually important, not like business-generating activities. A very human impulse, but one to watch out for. Another common trap is emptying your inbox. This does not move your life forward. Do it at at the end of the day, if at all. No one is more productive from having an empty inbox, as tempting as it sounds. 4. Either get those starred things done immediately, or schedule a time that they will get done... and stick to your resolve. Do the most important things first, or when your brain is at its best (for some people, this isn't until the afternoon.) Usually these tasks feel uncomfortable and you'd rather do other tasks instead, easy things that take no brain power. Save those for when you don't have brain power. 5. And fourth, take care of your nervous system. When you feel overwhelmed, don’t try to convince yourself to just push through. This takes enormous energy and is exhausting, as well as rarely successful. Take a moment to breathe in these moments. Try to focus on the feeling of overwhelm in your body. Allow it to be there. Send oxygen to it. The more you fight an emotion, the more it fights you back. Don’t tune into the story it’s telling you – “it’s too much, you’ll never get it done, it would be better to become a letter carrier instead!” – but rather, “Oh, I see you are in the tight muscles in my shoulders and back, you feel like a big heavy stone, making it hard to breathe.” I know this all sounds really simplified, and it is. This is just a jumping off point. Schedule a free life coaching session (scroll down past sleep coaching to life coaching) and let me show you how I can help you get your overwhelm under control so that you can truly enjoy your one wild and precious life. Montessori beds are a low platform bed where a child from crawling age or older can freely exit bed to explore and play in their rooms. A Monetssori website says the advantage is,
“An infant or toddler is confined to their sleep space when in a crib, which keeps them dependent on an adult to help them out when they are ready to move, to play, to engage, or practice self-care skills that the entirety of their bedroom is supposed to offer.” I am strongly against Montessori beds for children younger than ages 3-4. Here’s why.
It seems that too much independence is actually scary for little ones. I recommend not moving children to an open bed until ages 3-4. At that age, a Montessori bed could be a great fit for your family -- I don't have an opinion. If your little one moved to an open bed too young and you are having sleepless nights and too-early mornings as a result, hope is not lost. Reach out for a free sleep consult and let's get your family the sleep you need to feel your best. Now that I have a newly 7-month-old baby of my own, I’ve got some new thoughts on baby sleep schedules.
The big thing I have realized is that clock-based sleep schedules aren’t necessary as early as I thought. I have previously recommended a clock-based schedule by about 6 months old, sometimes even younger. But with my own baby, at seven months, I can see that using a clock-based schedule would actually backfire because it would leave her overtired. Here’s why: the length of her naps is quite variable. And obviously, she’ll need the next nap (or bedtime) much earlier if she took a 50-minute-nap than if she took a 2-hour nap. And this is typical of babies her age. The advantages of a clock-based schedule – namely, more predictability if you want to actually leave your house with your baby, if you have older children who need you, or if you need to give your childcare provider more clear cut instructions – are considerable. But for me, working from home and having childcare for her at home (and without other children), it’s been ideal to follow her sleepy cues exclusively. That way, she gets the perfect amount of sleep for her each day. The cool thing is that she is naturally moving closer to the 9-12-3 nap schedule that I typically recommend for a baby her age. But yesterday she needed 4 naps and I’m grateful that we are able to accommodate that! And it meant that we could go out for an early dinner yesterday and she could snooze on the way home, around 6:30, get home for a quick feed, then put her straight to bed. I wouldn't normally recommend a nap that late but she was overtired at that point and luckily, it didn't hurt bedtime. If you aren’t able to accommodate a sleepy-cues-led sleep schedule, your 6+ month old will be fine, not to worry. But if you can accommodate it, even better! About wake windows... I'm beginning to realize that I don't think they are all that useful UNLESS you have trouble seeing sleepy cues in your baby. Sleepy cues are always better, but overtired babies often don't show sleepy cues. In that case, go by wake windows, at least until your baby is more rested, then try again with sleepy cues. PS It’s not too late for you to have a well-rested family before the end of the year! Two week coaching packages as well as tune-up sessions are available. Schedule a free consult and start of 2024 off with a bang, well-rested and energized. Just like with any other hard earned habit that relapsed over the last few days, it can be painful getting your child back on track with sleep after the holidays.
In most cases, cold turkey is the best approach to getting your child back to sleeping independently, all night long, in their own bed. If you did cry it out (or Ferber, or the chair method) to initially sleep train, go right back to your sleep training plan. If you were offering night feeds while staying with friends or family, it’s fine to wean off those cold turkey if your baby or toddler wasn’t eating at night prior to the holiday. Otherwise, I suggest a more gradual approach. If you didn’t break your habits for too many nights, it should be a fairly quick reset, although not necessarily painless. If your child was in your bed for a few nights, they will certainly protest returning to their own beds. But the protests shouldn’t last more than 1-3 nights, unless you made exceptions for many nights in a row. Likewise, try to get them back to their normal, hopefully healthy, diet as soon as possible. Offer plenty of fruits and vegetables to ward off any constipation associated with too many sweet and starchy holiday or travel snacks. Try to get them outside for fresh air and exercise every day this week. That will help get them eating more healthfully again AND sleeping better – fresh air and outdoor exposure to daylight always help sleep. And if sleep has gotten further off track and you want to end the year with a well-rested family, schedule a free consult and consider great sleep the gift you are giving yourself for the new year. Holidays with loved ones can be really fun for little ones... and highly stressful, too. All that excitement is exhausting!
Of course I'm going to suggest you keep the schedule the same as usual, to the extent possible. But what about when it's not possible? For twice a day nappers, try to prioritize getting the first nap in the crib or, if you must travel and you have flexible timing, in the car. Many babies will sleep reasonably well in the car. If you can get one good nap in, it's less risky to compromise the quality of the second one. For the second nap, or the one nap for older babies and toddlers, all bets are off. Drive around the neighborhood 47 times -- ideally with someone you don't get to see very often for company -- or do a stroller nap. Your little one, once past the age of newborn oblivion, is probably not going to nap well in a brand new environment and it may not be worth trying. Of course, if you are staying somewhere for several days and your child has already slept there the previous night, they may be able to nap successfully there. Try, as much as you can, to keep bedtime the same. As your loved ones to move the holiday meal earlier or prepare yourself to feed your child early and put them to bed at the regular time, even if your family is disappointed by this decision. Your extended family doesn't understand that missing bedtime will lead to overtiredness, which can be miserable for everyone. After the big day, get back to your regular routine, as much as you can while traveling. Hopefully after the big day, your family or friends will be more understanding of your need to prioritize your child's schedule. But not everyone without young children will know or remember how important good sleep is, so don't be afraid to gently remind them. Make sure to get your child outside for fresh air at regular intervals. That will help regulate their mood as well as their sleep. Exercise for toddlers and older children can help tremendously with overstimulation fatigue. And no matter what, as soon as you get back home, buckle down and do a quick reset to the old routine. The faster you get back to your excellent routine, the easier it will be to get back on track. If you'd like a well-rested family before the end of year, set up a free consult and get the sleep your family needs to enjoy their time together. |
AuthorAbby Wolfson is a pediatric nurse practitioner, certified child sleep consultant and certified life coach for parents. She divides her time between Brooklyn, NY and San Miguel de Allende, Mexico. Archives
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