Parents often ask about an intermediate option between cry it out and the most gradual options (which are typically the most time consuming methods).
Here’s what you need to know about timed checks. First off, there are no no-cry methods, for most kids. Sorry. I know that’s a bummer. If there was a no-cry method, I would be all over it! ***There are some kids – usually 3 and up – who don’t end up crying at all after we prepare them adequately for the sleep training process. And there are some gentle options for very little babies that likewise don’t involve crying. Given that, the question becomes: what is the easiest way for your child to learn to sleep independently. Timed checks are a popular option. The basic gist of them is that you leave the child alone and awake in their room. You set a timer and come back every few minutes for a brief check-in. You typically do not pick them up or even pat them, because this tends to ultimately be more upsetting for kids… because when you get close enough to touch your child, your child thinks you are going to pick them up… and they get really frustrated when they realize the truth. So the check is usually just 10-20 seconds. You pop your head in and say a calm sleep mantra, something like, “it’s time to sleep, I love you, I’ll check on you again in a few minutes.” Then you wait another pre-determined interval. With traditional Ferber, you increase the waiting time each time. Another method recommends staying at every 5 minutes. I generally recommend increasing the interval because the checks are stimulating… but some of my colleagues do not. Likewise with traditional Ferber, you do not go back in if the child’s crying is winding down. In that case, you stop the clock and set it back to zero. You only start it again if the crying ramps up again. A common misconception is that the check-ins will be soothing. They generally are not soothing for babies and toddlers. Preschoolers and above are more likely to be soothed by them, because they are able to understand your intent with coming back. From a baby or toddler’s perception, popping your head in and not picking them up is frustrating. That doesn’t mean it’s not worthwhile, though. There may be value in teaching them that you always come back… it just takes a few days to see the benefit. Personally, doing timed checks with my oldest just enraged her, so I only checked on her a few times. With my youngest, timed checks were helpful at 5 months and younger because I could replace the pacifier. When I try to do them now, at 8 months, they make her hysterical. I only go in if her pacifier has fallen to the floor. There is, unfortunately, no perfect, no-cry method, nor one that is successful with 100% of children. But timed checks can be an effective method for many families. Want to talk about what method would be best for your family? Schedule a free consult and find out how your family can be sleeping better in 2 weeks or less, guaranteed. (For babies 6 months or older. Success rates are not 100% in younger babies, due to variability in their ability to self-soothe..)
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Last week, at 8 months old, my daughter Valentina started waking up at 2:30 am. Very upset and wanting to eat.
The thing was, she hadn’t eaten at night since she was 4 months old. (I had sleep trained her then.) I didn’t know why she was suddenly waking up at night again. I thought maybe a developmental leap, since there are still no teeth in sight, and she seems perfectly healthy. (In hindsight, she finally rolled over last week onto her belly – she’d been teetering on her side for months but wouldn’t commit to fully rolling – and since then, immediately has been rolling across the room like a maniac, threatening to smash into walls. So it probably was developmental but hindsight is 20:20). So after the third night of waking up at night, I decided that something needed to be done. This was quickly becoming a habit, and one that was not helping my sleep nor her own. So the next night, when she woke up at 2:20 am, I went in once, after 5 minutes, to offer her pacifier and make sure she didn’t have a fever or a dirty diaper. And then I went back to bed. And listened to her cry. Her bed is a little nook right off my room and there are slats in her door to give it ventilation so… it felt like she was almost right next to me. It was loud. It was torturous. I hated it. Here’s why I did it. Every time I go in to check on her, her crying gets so much louder. She’s infuriated, lately, by my coming and then leaving again. She spits out her pacifier. She is most definitely not reassured. And I don’t have the patience for sitting next to her, patting her, and I don’t think it would be comforting to her anyway. Nursing her back to sleep was definitely not teaching her to be a better sleeper. It was teaching her to wake up for a midnight snack every night. I figured CIO was the fastest, and therefore most merciful, way to get the job done. And thankfully, I was right. The next night she made a few squaks at around 2 am, and since then, she’s slept through the night. She wakes up happy and so do I. CIO isn’t the right choice for every baby and every family. I never tell a family that they need to do CIO. When I work with families, I help them make the right choice for their family. For very young babies and for preschoolers, there sometimes isn’t any crying. For those in between ages, well, there generally is some crying but it is temporary and great sleep is on the other side… no matter what method you choose. If you are thinking about sleep training but are worried about your child crying, you are not alone. It can be daunting to think about. Schedule a free consult and let’s talk about your options and what you can expect, should you decide to sleep train. I’m here to help. No pressure to buy. January is my busiest month with my business. Which is great. I welcome the work. But I also struggle with overwhelm, and this year is no exception. Adding COVID (my own) made things exponentially worse. I didn't have time to take time off (not a recommended strategy, but such is life as a solopreneur) because doing so would have made my return to work so much harder... but pushing through and working while sick made the slog so much harder.
Anyway, I'm better now, maybe a bit more tired than usual, but just looking at my to do list makes me exhausted all over again. And super discouraged. Completely overwhelmed. I'm doing my best to coach myself through it and thought I'd share my strategies with y'all. First off, be completely kind to yourself. No one ever got more done by being called a lazy sack of sh*t. Or being told that your situation is hopeless. Second off, prioritize quality sleep whenever possible. Not only will you feel better but your brain will work a whole lot better, which means checking things off your list a lot faster. Once you've done those two essential things, here's what's next. 1. Remind yourself that you can only do one thing at a time. Multitasking is actually a misnomer. No one can really do more than one thing at a time, unless one is mindless. Instead, what you end up doing is spend a lot of extra energy switching from task to task. So pick the most important thing on your list and focus on that. Get that done and then move on to the next. If you have a lot of interruptions, well, welcome to life as a working parent. Do your best to minimize them and then get on with it. If you can possibly work in a location where you are less likely to be interrupted, choose that. 2. Make a list. Get everything down on paper (or on your phone) so that you don't waste any mental energy trying to remember things. That is wasted energy that can be better used elsewhere. 3. Go through your list (quickly) and star the things that are most important. Things that are the most urgent are usually not the most important. Example, I was working with my accountability partner last week on business generating activities and the first thing she did was: call her daughter at home to ask a question about scheduling gymnastics class. This felt urgent -- and my friend no doubt felt like her brain would be freed up once it was done -- but it wasn't actually important, not like business-generating activities. A very human impulse, but one to watch out for. Another common trap is emptying your inbox. This does not move your life forward. Do it at at the end of the day, if at all. No one is more productive from having an empty inbox, as tempting as it sounds. 4. Either get those starred things done immediately, or schedule a time that they will get done... and stick to your resolve. Do the most important things first, or when your brain is at its best (for some people, this isn't until the afternoon.) Usually these tasks feel uncomfortable and you'd rather do other tasks instead, easy things that take no brain power. Save those for when you don't have brain power. 5. And fourth, take care of your nervous system. When you feel overwhelmed, don’t try to convince yourself to just push through. This takes enormous energy and is exhausting, as well as rarely successful. Take a moment to breathe in these moments. Try to focus on the feeling of overwhelm in your body. Allow it to be there. Send oxygen to it. The more you fight an emotion, the more it fights you back. Don’t tune into the story it’s telling you – “it’s too much, you’ll never get it done, it would be better to become a letter carrier instead!” – but rather, “Oh, I see you are in the tight muscles in my shoulders and back, you feel like a big heavy stone, making it hard to breathe.” I know this all sounds really simplified, and it is. This is just a jumping off point. Schedule a free life coaching session (scroll down past sleep coaching to life coaching) and let me show you how I can help you get your overwhelm under control so that you can truly enjoy your one wild and precious life. Montessori beds are a low platform bed where a child from crawling age or older can freely exit bed to explore and play in their rooms. A Monetssori website says the advantage is,
“An infant or toddler is confined to their sleep space when in a crib, which keeps them dependent on an adult to help them out when they are ready to move, to play, to engage, or practice self-care skills that the entirety of their bedroom is supposed to offer.” I am strongly against Montessori beds for children younger than ages 3-4. Here’s why.
It seems that too much independence is actually scary for little ones. I recommend not moving children to an open bed until ages 3-4. At that age, a Montessori bed could be a great fit for your family -- I don't have an opinion. If your little one moved to an open bed too young and you are having sleepless nights and too-early mornings as a result, hope is not lost. Reach out for a free sleep consult and let's get your family the sleep you need to feel your best. |
AuthorAbby Wolfson is a pediatric nurse practitioner, certified child sleep consultant and certified life coach for parents. She divides her time between Brooklyn, NY and San Miguel de Allende, Mexico. Archives
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