​As parents, we – with the best of intentions – tell ourselves a lot of stories about our children. And sometimes those stories can seriously undermine our families' needs. Putting a night light in a baby' s room is a perfect example of this.

Children don't develop a fear of the dark before age 2-3. Before that time, their brains simply don't have the developmental maturity to imagine scary monsters under the bed. And light in the bedroom is a bad idea. Light signals the brain that it´s time to be awake. We want to send the opposite message at bedtime and nap time, that it´s time to sleep. Darkness cues the body to release the hormone melatonin, which makes us sleepy. 

For this reason, putting a night light in your baby's room is hurting her sleep without any benefit. If she cries at bedtime, it´ s because she doesn't want to separate from you, or because she is overtired, not because she's scared of the dark. Adding a night light will only make things worse in that she'll have an even harder time falling asleep. (And by the way, separation anxiety is perfectly normal and is not a reason to keep your tired child up, even if is what she thinks she wants. It´s only making things worse. When you get her caught up on her sleep debt, you will both see this.)

The best way to sleep, at all ages, is in total darkness. You should not be able to see your hand in front of your face.

You will likely need blackout shades to achieve this level of darkness. Your local hardware store can sell you inexpensive stick-on shades that you can try before you invest in a more permanent solution. You can also do what I did with my oldest, and tape up black garbage bags over the windows. Depressingly ugly but remarkably effective! 

You may also need to add painter's tape around the edges of the blackout shades to prevent any light leakage. This may seem like overkill but it´s an easy step to try if your child is waking up too early. Even a tiny bit of morning light can wake a little one in the early morning.

At age 2-3, your child may develop a true fear of the dark. Only at this point should you consider introducing a night light. I use a portable Munchkin night light for my own kids. It turns off on its own after a few minutes, so it won't disturb their slumber once they drift off, plus the portability is great for those scary midnight trips to the bathroom.

If your child needs a light that stays on all night, pick something that has red light, not blue. Blue light is stimulating to the brain and tells us to wake up. Electronic screens contain blue light and for this reason, you should avoid exposure to screens in the hour before bedtime, too. I recommend turning down all the lights in the house in the hour before bedtime. This is one more cue to the brain to start winding down.

Keep night lights as far from the bed as possible. And keep the number to a mínimum. Your child should not sleep with more than one all-night night light. If your older child (preschool or older) child is sleeping with multiple night lights, you will need to wean him off them. When making big changes to your child's routine, I always suggest having a conversation with your child ahead of time (not at bedtime!), getting his buy-in, and rewarding his cooperation. After all, this is your idea, not his. I might say something like, ¨"I have learned that sleeping with too much light on makes it harder for our brains to relax. I want to work on having fewer night lights in your room. I know that might be hard for you. What prize would you like to earn for working on this?"

Some parents fear that creating a dark sleep environment will create dependence or worse, that their children will wake up cranky and miserable if they sleep in darkness in the middle of the day.

It´s true that if you put your child to sleep in the dark, he may require darkness to sleep. And that dependence on darkness can occasionally be inconvenient. But wouldn't you rather have a child that is (nearly) always well-rested and occasionally doesn't sleep well because you can't recreate his ideal sleep environment on the go? Versus a child that is so overtired that he will fall asleep wherever he is, but is never well-rested? (A child that always falls asleep in the car is an overtired child.)

As for your child waking up cranky after a nap in the dark? The problem is not the darkness. The problem is the timing of the nap. A correctly-timed nap will not result in crankiness. A correctly-timed nap in the dark will coincide with your child´s natural surge in melatonin, the sleepy hormone, so your child will nap well and wake up well-rested and happy. An incorrectly-timed nap results in that cranky, miserable feeling we adults feel, too, when we sleep at the wrong time. It´s called nap inertia, and my older daughter had it all the time because I didn't know better and put her down to nap too late. It was miserable for both of us. If you can't put her down on time, it's better to keep her up and implement a very early bedtime instead. 

It can take courage to make big changes in your child's sleep routine, like eliminating night lights. Be patient and encouraging with both of you. If you would like some support along the way, schedule a free chat and get your family the sleep you deserve, guaranteed.  

There are six essential elements for creating great sleep in young children. If you aren't optimizing each of them, your child is probably not getting all the high-quality sleep she needs. Inadequate hours of sleep, or sleep at the wrong time or in the wrong place or with too many wakings all lead to an overtired child.

Overtired children have trouble falling asleep and staying asleep. Their naps are too short and they wake up too early in the morning. It's a vicious cycle. 

Overtired children also tend to be wound up and hyperactive. They usually are not sleepy. This is because their bodies produce a stress hormone, cortisol, when they don't get enough high-quality sleep. This stress hormone helps them stay awake but makes it hard for them to focus effectively on their play -- their work --  or to fall asleep when naptime rolls around. 

If you optimize these six elements, you can guarantee better sleep for your child. They are as follows:

1. Consistent soothing routine -- doing the same thing at every naptime and bedtime cues his body that it's time to sleep, and makes separation from you easier. It's normal for children to protest separation from their beloved parents, but it gets easier when children know what to expect. Start a bedtime routine at about four months old. It may include a story, a song, putting him in the crib awake, closing the shades and turning on the white noise, then saying, "Sleep well! I love you!" Doing the same thing every single time is reassuring to young children. It teaches them that you go away at predictable intervals but you always come back. This makes them feel safe enough to drift off peacefully. 
   
   
2. Determine his sleep needs and plan accordingly. Some children need more sleep than others. For example, a four-month old I recently worked with could only stay awake for an hour between naps. Most children his age can last at least 90 minutes, but if we tried to stretch Lucas' awake interval that long, he was miserable and took a short nap afterwards. Whatever a "typical" four-month-old needs was irrelevant for him. When Lucas went back to his crib after only one hour awake, he slept ninety minutes and woke up gloriously happy. 
   
   
3. Eliminate sleep debt and prevent overtiredness -- both actually make it harder for a child to sleep, which is totally counterintuitive. Many well-meaning friends and family members will encourage you to keep your child up late to "guarantee" a great night's sleep, but this will backfire in many cases. An extra-early bedtime will help your child catch up on lost sleep and prevent night wakings. Sleeping late in the mornings in actually counter-productive because it interferes with naps and bedtime; for this reason, I don't recommend it. 
   
   
4. Ideal sleep environment -- creating the ideal sleep environment makes it easier for a child to fall asleep and stay asleep. For the best sleep possible, your child should sleep motionless in the dark with white noise. Of course you can't guarantee this ideal sleep setting 100% of the time, but limiting exceptions to this "rule" will help keep your child on track, sleep-wise. 
   
   
5. Self-soothing ability -- children need to be able to put themselves to sleep independently in order to put themselves back to sleep when they wake up between sleep cycles, as we all do (adults typically don't remember these brief awakenings). By putting your child into bed awake every time, she learns how to self-soothe herself to sleep and she can repeat this behavior when she wakes up between sleep cycles. Doing so independently, without needing your help, makes her sleep much more restful. For both of you!
   
   
6. Ideal sleep timing -- appropriate timing of naps and bedtime makes it easier for children to fall asleep, stay asleep until the target wake time, and have more restful sleep. Most children under six need about twelve hours of sleep at night. If your target wake time is 7 am, your child's bedtime should therefore be at about 7 pm. The most restful sleep is before midnight so a 9 pm bedtime with a 9 am wake time is not nearly as restful as a 7-7 schedule. 
   
   Likewise, naps are most restful (after 4+ months) if they are at the appropriate clock times. For most children after 4 months, the earlt afternoon nap should start between 12 and 1 pm. A too-early nap means your child is overtired before bedtime and a too-late naptime means your child isn't sleepy enough at bedtime. 
   
   These times aren't always ideal for parents' schedules but when your child sleeps at biologically ideal times, he sleeps longer and wakes up well-rested, which means he will be more calm and happy than otherwise. This will lead to more time to get your work done, more restful sleep for you, and more opportunities to enjoy each other. 
   
   

It isn't always easy to institute all the changes necessary to incorporate all of these elements into your child's life, but I guarantee doing so will improve your sleep, and your lives, immeasurably. 

I know reading the suggestions here, or in a book, isn't the same as actually putting them into practice. Doing so can be intimidating, especially when your family is already exhausted. Let me help. Schedule a free call and change your family's life forever. 

• Yes. Absolutely. 

You most definitely can sleep train your child and still have a strong, trusting bond. Sleep training will not harm that bond.

Promise. 

Attachment theory states that, "Attachment is a deep and enduring emotional bond that connects one person to another across time and space." (Ainsworth, 1973; Bowlby, 1969)

Attachment theorists and psychologist define four types of attachment between parent and young child. 

1. secure attachment -- these babies play freely in a new environment when the mother is present but become distressed she leaves them there. When she returns, the baby is reassured and able to play again. These mothers are warm, loving, and emotionally available. 
   
   
2. insecure-avoidant attachments -- these babies seem indifferent to the mother, act unstressed when she leaves, and exhibit the same behaviors with a stranger. When the mother returns after a separation, the baby might avoid her, or might “fail to cling” when picked up.
   
   
3. Babies with an insecure-ambivalent/resistant attachment are clingy with their mothers and don’t explore or play in her presence. They are distressed when the mother leaves, and when she returns, they vacillate between clinging and angry resistance. The mother’s inconsistency and insensitivity undermine the baby’s confidence in her responses. Insecure-ambivalent babies tend to have separation anxiety long after secure babies have mastered it.
   
   
4. disorganized attachment -- The most destructive pattern of attachment occurs in families where there is abuse or maltreatment or when the mother has a mental illness, substance addiction, or multiple risk factors like poverty, substance abuse and a history of being mistreated. Babies of mothers like this can be flooded with anxiety; alternatively, they can be “checked out” or dissociated, showing a flat, expressionless affect or odd, frozen postures, even when held by the mother.
   
   

It is important to note that attachment theorists did not state that a parent must co-sleep, breastfeed, or refrain from sleep training in order to create a securely attached child. This idea was suggested by Dr. Sears and his followers, who "borrowed" the term "attachment" to define their parenting beliefs, which suggests that children need constant proximity to their parents to be securely attached. Very, very different than the research done by attachment theorists. 

The attachment researchers merely stated that a parent should be emotionally responsive to her child approximately 2/3 of the time. This leaves lots of room for us normal parents who make mistakes. It also leaves plenty of room for sleep training. 

"The 'attachment parenting' philosophy promotes a lifestyle and a specific set of practices that are not proven to be related to a secure attachment. As a result, the movement has sown confusion (and guilt and stress) around the meaning of the word 'attachment.'" https://www.developmentalscience.com/blog/2017/3/31/what-is-a-secure-attachmentand-why-doesnt-attachment-parenting-get-you-there

Rest assured, you can most certainly sleep train your child and maintain a strong emotional connection with him. In fact, there are many ways to do so. 

Some of my clients choose to stay in their children's room while the child falls asleep. At first, they start out sitting next to the child's crib or bed and touching the child gently as the child drifts off to sleep. After a few days, the parent moves the chair further away and uses just their voice to reassure the child. The chair moves further and further away until the parent is eventually out of sight. Once they are out of sight, the parent can still call to the child to reassure him, if necessary, but by that poiint, it rarely is.

This method can be reassuring to even the most anxious of parents, because the child can see the parent throughout the sleep training period. 

Some parents, though, don't want to be so involved, or fear their presence may be too stimulating to their children. Some kids are more mad than comforted to have a parent so close by but not rocking them to sleep. In that case, some parents choose timed checks, where they check on a child at ever-increasing intervals until the child is asleep. 

And another group of parents believe that it's easiest for their children -- though not necessarily for themselves -- when they simply don't go back into the child's bedroom during the night unless there's an emergency. I have seen through countless clients as well as my own parenting experiences that these children can easily maintain a strong, loving bond with their parents through a few nights of short-term protesting. 

What matters for creating a strong bond is being a loving and consistent presence in your child's life most of the time. Rest assured, evolution has made sure that children can survive less than perfect parenting. 

The phrase "good enough mother" was first coined in 1953 by Donald Winnicott, a British pediatrician and psychoanalyst. Winnicott observed thousands of babies and their mothers, and he came to realize that babies and children actually benefit when their mothers "fail" them in appropriate ways.

"The process of becoming a good enough mother to our children happens over time. When our babies are tiny infants, we try to be available constantly and respond to them immediately. As they get older, though he believed that the way to be a good mother is to be a good enough mother. Children need their mother (or primary caretaker) to fail them in tolerable ways on a regular basis so they can learn to live in an imperfect world. This teaches them resilience. Building our children's resilience is the gift of the good enough mother."

Children are built to survive and thrive in this unpredictable world. They are best equipped to do so when they eat nutritious food (most of the time), get great sleep (most of the time) and get unconditional love from their caregivers (most of the time).

If you would like help getting your family great rest -- through any approach -- set up a free chat and see choose the option that works best for your family.  

As loving parents, we sometimes create stories -- with the best of intentions -- about our children and their needs. Stories that can end up inadvertently undermining our families. 

A child's fear of the dark is a common one. Children don't develop a fear of the dark until around 2-3 years old. Before that age, they don't have the developmental maturity to imagine scary monsters under the bed. So putting a night light in your baby's room -- or keeping the shades open during his nap -- can lead to overtired children and parents. 

And we all sleep best in the dark. The presence of light signals our brains that it's time to be awake. Darkness tell our bodies that it's time to sleep. For that reason, keep your little one in a completely dark room as long as you can. Even with newborns, keep the lights as low as possible during the night (during feedings and diaper changes) to help them learn the difference between night and day. Use a dim nightlight as needed and total darkness whenever possible. You'll sleep better, too!

The ideal darkness for sleeping is so dark that you can't see your hand in front of your face. In order to create this level of darkness, you will likely need blackout curtains or shades. You can get inexpensive, stick-on ones at your local store if you are reluctant to commit without trying them first. You may need to use painter's tape around the edges to prevent any light leakage. This may seem like overkill but it can be enormously helpful with preventing early waking and short naps. 

For those who fear that total darkness during daytime sleep will make naptime waking disorienting, not to worry. Appropriately timed naps mean that your baby's body clock is producing melatonin at the same time you put her down to nap. She will wake up refreshed if she isn't inadvertently woken too soon. 

If your toddler or preschooler develops a fear of the dark, try to keep the nightlights to a minimum. With my own kids, I use a portable Munchkin nightlight that turns off on its own after a few minutes. The portability is great because they can carry it with them on those "scary" midnight trips to the bathroom. And the fact that it turns off on its own means that it won't disturb their slumber once they do drift off. 

For night lights that stay on all night, it is best to avoid blue light -- which is stimulating to the brain -- and use red light instead. And of course, keep those lights as dim (or distant) as possible. For this reason, it's also best to avoid screen time in the hour before bed, as electronic screens also have blue light. It's best to dim the lights in the house in the hour before bedtime, too. All of these things signal your child's brain that it's time to sleep. 

If your toddler or preschooler doesn't mention a fear of the dark, there's no reason to introduce a night light at all. Children who have always slept in the dark may continue to willingly to do.

If your child has always slept with a lot of light, you may need to wean them off it gradually. As always, I suggest involving them in the process as this will make them feel a lot more empowered and therefore, cooperative. Pick an afternoon -- not bedtime! -- to discuss the issue. Ask for their suggestions. You can say something like, "I've been reading that having a lot of light on in your room makes it harder for your brain to sleep well. I would like to work on having less light in your room at night. What do you think? Which nightlight could we try turning off first? What prize would you like to get for being brave?