Do You Have A Child With "Very Strong Preferences"?

“We have a kid with… very strong preferences. She is miserable if she is with anyone but me (Mom), and has a huge meltdown. We need two parents to do bedtime because she'll be very upset if she doesn't have one on one time. And she can't wait her turn while I put her brother to bed first. But what is weird is that she doesn’t have this problem at school. She does great at school!

She’s also highly verbal compared to her peers.”

One thing I have heard many times from parents is that their extra smart kiddos have extra big feelings.

Some people call this being a Highly Sensitive Person, or a Deeply Feeling Kid.
I call it “more anxious than your typical preschooler… because all of them are anxious!”

Whatever you call it, these wonderful kids require some extra parenting skills.

Here one tip that I gave the parents I spoke to yesterday.

Make your schedule and your expectations very clear.

A child like this, even at 3 or 4 years old, may benefit from a written schedule.

Even if she can’t tell time, you can tell her “when my phone says seven zero zero, we will have breakfast.”

You can write out a schedule for her, for example:

6:30 Wake up 
7:00 Breakfast 
7:30 Get dressed, use the potty, brush teeth and hair 
7:55 put on shoes
8:00 leave the house

And so on. For the entire day.

Note that the times and the tasks are very specific.

Having all this detail actually gives these kids a sense of control, because they know what to expect, which helps them to feel less anxious.

You can also invite your child to decorate the schedule, if he would like. That is a way to give him a sense of ownership, which will also lessen his anxiety. 

Setting expectations would look like, "Mommy will help you get dressed, and Daddy will make you breakfast while Mommy showers." 

​It's important with these kids, that once you set these expectations, that you stick with what you said. 

Do not change plans so that Mommy makes breakfast to avoid your preschooler's meltdown. The more you try to accommodate her preferences, the more rigid and prone to meltdowns she'll actually become. 

This means there is no shortcut to peace, and in fact, things will get more stressful in the short term. But in the long term, you'll find she becomes more calm and patient. 

If you'd like some help figuring out how to reduce tension in a household with a child with strong preferences, you are not alone. Schedule a free consult to discuss how parent coaching (scroll down past sleep coaching to parent coaching) can help reduce stress and increase family happiness.