Three beautiful, well-rested little ones.

I was privileged to work with C and her husband, parents of three children under three years of age (a two-year-old toddler and infant twins). They are total rock stars when it comes to sleep!

C & J changed their lives by making a few small changes in their daughters' sleep routines.

Watch C's story (it's less than 4 minutes, and is totally inspiring).

And if you are ready to change your life through better sleep, set up a free consult and get ready for stronger family bonds, better health, and a happier outlook. 

Dear Abby,

I want to sleep train my two daughters, ages 5 months old and 2.5 years old, respectively, but I have a problem. I am scared that if I let either child cry, she will wake her sister. Two children awake at the same time, especially in the middle of the night, is my personal nightmare. 

As a result, I am feeding the baby every 2-3 hours all night long, to keep her quiet, and I have to crawl into the crib with my older daughter several times each night to soothe her back to sleep. It can take up to an hour each time to get her sleeping again. 

Also, my older daughter refuses to let my husband put her to bed -- she screams if he tries to help -- and I am exclusively breastfeeding the baby, so I have to do everything myself. 

I am completely exhausted and I don’t know what to do. Please help!

Thanks,
​
Leah

Fear of waking a sibling is a common theme with the parents I work with. Many of my clients live in apartments or small houses. And many of my families with twins need or want to keep their children together in one room. 

I get it. I've been there. I was in a one bedroom apartment until my older daughter was one. Then I had a two bedroom apartment until my younger daughter was two-and-a-half. And of course, my children still share a room whenever we travel. 

So we have experienced a lot of room sharing in my life as a parent. It's challenging, no doubt about it. 

Here's my advice: lean in. Embrace the pain. Don't try to keep one quiet to avoid waking the other.

Here's why: as long as you are desperate to keep one child quiet to avoid waking the other, your children are in control. And if they are a toddler or older, they undoubtedly know it. And will use it to their advantage.

Unlike new parents, children are designed to learn to sleep through their siblings' noises. There is no biological advantage to a sibling waking up to the sounds of another child, so with practice, they can learn to sleep through it. 

This is especially true for twins but also holds true for siblings with an age difference.

Here's some more specific tips: 

1. Use a white noise machine. Every time. There's no reason to make this any harder than it already is. I like this white noise machine by Homemedics. It's small, inexpensive, light-weight, and loud. Every easy to throw into even a compact diaper bag. 
   
   If you are worried about dependence on this tool, stop. It's better to have a well-rested set of children than children that are attached to this tool (but can learn to sleep without it) than a chronically exhausted family. 
   
   
2. Accept that the only way your children can learn to sleep through each others' noise is to let them practice. As long as you are dancing between them, playing bedtime-whack-a-mole, you are a prisoner. Set yourself free. Children cry sometimes. It's okay. If one is crying, reassure the other that everything is okay. And then let them be. Whatever your preferred method of sleep training is, let those babies cry. It's the fastest way to learn. It's the only way to learn. 
   
   
3. A giant exception to rule two: if one child is a good sleeper and the other is not (this comes up frequently with twins), take the good sleeper into your bedroom temporarily. Set up a travel crib or cot on the floor so you can sleep train the bad sleeper without fear. Keep the good sleeper in your room -- but not in your bed! -- for a week or two. Just long enough to train the bad sleeper. Then get them back to room sharing again. 
   
   
4. Try very, very hard to have the children on complimentary sleep schedules. Unless you are that rare parent, at least during COVID, where you crave more one-on-one time with each child. If so, rock on. But most of my parents need alone time more than one-on-one time. 
   
   So if both your children nap, wrestle with the start times until they overlap. That might mean putting one down a little earlier than you might otherwise, or putting the other down a little later than ideal. Usually the first option works better since it's much easier for a child to fall asleep before becoming overtired. It's also easier to fall asleep while your sibling is playing in her own crib than it is to stay asleep if your sibling wakes up first, since she is more sleepy at the beginning of the nap than the end. 
   
   So for example, if your two-year-old ordinarily naps at 1 pm and your 5-month-old's second nap is at 11:30 am, compromise a bit for each and put them both down at 12 pm. And maybe cap the toddler's nap so that the two children can both go to bed for the night at 7 pm. 
   
   Alternatively, if your twins roomshare and one needs more sleep than the other, you can try to put the more tired one down first, then sneak in half hour later with the lower-sleep-needs baby. Don't wait too long to bring in the second baby, no more than thirty minutes, or the first will wake more easily. 
   
   
5. And one more thing for the partnered among us: unless one of you is lactating and thus, physically required for bedtime (maybe), don't let your child decide that only one parent is allowed to put him to bed. If, like Leah, your youngster will scream at bedtime if he doesn't have Mommy... so be it. Let him scream. Be sympathetic but firm. The adults make the rules, not the children. 
   
   The reason is this is two-fold. One, each adult needs a break sometimes from -- let's face it -- the tedium of bedtime. And two, children need to know that the adults are the rule-makers. It might seem like your child will be happier when he always gets his way, but actually, limits are extremely reassuring to children. Children need to know that they can test the rules and the rules won't change, no matter how much they protest. It makes them feel safe. So don't be afraid of tantrums. Lean in. It's good for him. 
   ​

As parents, we all want to make things easier for our children. But sometimes, making things easier -- in this case, trying to prevent one sibling from waking another -- is making things worse for everyone. Your children need you to be well-rested. And they will be so much better off when they can sleep through others' noises and get a great night of sleep without you. You are giving them a great gift, the gift of great sleep. There will just be a challenging period of adjustment to get there. You -- and they -- can survive that. 

If you would like achieving this goal, or any other sleep goal, schedule a free chat and get your family the sleep you deserve. 

Dear Abby,

I am conflicted about using blackout shades in my twins' room.

I'm reluctant to use them because whenever I nap in a dark room in the middle of the day, I wake up feeling cranky and miserable. I don't want that for my girls.

But right now, they never nap on the same schedule and I am going absolutely bonkers. I can never leave the house and I never know when I'll get a break. 

Please help,

Kate, single mom to 11-month-old twins

Kate is an amazingly devoted mom. I admire her tremendously. 

But. 

We parents should take all the help we can get. It's not cheating to help them nap. It won't make your young children wake up feeling cranky and miserable. 

That's because their young bodies have totally different sleep and wake cycles than we do. Babies' bodies are designed to nap during the day. Unlike ours. 

When we wake up cranky and miserable after a nap, it's because we have nap inertia. Basically, we are sleeping at a time that our bodies weren't designed to nap. Babies, on the other hand, absolutely need naps during the day. 

If babies nap at the biologically ideal times, they won't have nap intertia. For twice-a-day nappers, those times are roughly 9 am and 1 pm. Once-a-day nappers should sleep at around 12 pm. 

Just timing naps appropriately can make a huge difference. That's step one. And it's the furthest thing from cheating. It's taking advantage of biological sleep and wake cycles.

Step two is yes, using all the sleep crutches you can find that don't require your active, ongoing participation. 

So blackout curtains? Heck, yes! White noise? Absolutely. Fan or air conditioner to keep the room cool and air circulating? Definitely. Swaddle (for newborns) or sleep sack? Sure! Pacifier that you have to reinsert 16 times during the nap? Nope.

Offer the pacifier once and that's it. Either she finds it and re-inserts it herself or she loses it and learns to sleep without it. There may be some tears in the short-term but otherwise, she will never learn to sleep independently (or at least, not until she gives up the pacifier).

The same goes for breastfeeding or bottle feeding to sleep. If your little one can fall asleep and stay asleep, feeding to sleep is fine. But if he needs another nursing session or an additional bottle to link his sleep cycles, you are doing him a disservice. You'll know this is happening if your baby (4 months or older) is waking for multiple feedings every night. By four months, your child should be able to go several hours without feeding, and that should gradually decrease from a maximum of three a night to two to one or less at nine months old. By a year old, most babies should not need any feedings at night.

My five-year-old recently started to give up her nap. The timing feels pretty terrible -- stuck at home for months at a time during a global pandemic -- but I hardly feel like I can complain. Five years of napping is a pretty good run. 

But then we tacked up a heavy blanket over an internal window to her room that was letting in a good bit of natural light. Lo and behold, my preschooler is napping again. Gloriously long naps that leave her well-rested and cheerful, a delight to be around. 

If this "cheating" means I can avoid the cranky miserable mess she was on the days she missed her naps... I'm a devoted cheater. 

But I prefer to think of it as smart parenting. Helping my girl get all the sleep her body needs to be her best. 

(Note the white noise on her table, the standing fan pointed at her, and of course, the heavy blanket tacked up over the internal window.)

If you'd like help getting your little one napping better, or need support tackling a different sleep challenge, schedule a free consult so we can get your child, and your entire family, the sleep you deserve. 

​"They each got up and intermittently played and cried. Clementine was okay. Cecilia acted exhausted. They ate once, or maybe twice, each. I tried to get Cecilia to nap in her swing. She cried desperately. I gave up. They played, and whined. Cecilia fell into a bottomless pit of despair and I carried her up to her crib, where she settled happily and admired her jellyfish and sucked her thumb. I came downstairs. Clementine was trying to sleep on the floor. I carried her upstairs. She rolled over in her crib, spun 180 degrees so her feet was where her head should be, and shouted. I tried to wait it out. Cecilia started occasionally crying (wouldn’t you?). I went upstairs and removed Clementine. Cecilia saw me and sobbed. I put Clementine in the swing. She fell promptly asleep. Cecilia cried for several minutes, remembered her jellyfish, and then fell asleep. From the time they needed that nap until they fell asleep was an hour and a half. That’s insane." 

Twins are tough! I recently wrote another post with tips for sleep training twins and higher order multiples. Today I'll delve a bit deeper. 

Identical twins usually have similar sleep needs, while fraternal twins' sleep needs are are different as any other set of siblings. This means it will be more challenging to get your twins on a similar schedule if they are fraternal... but there are things you can do to help the process along. 

In any given set of fraternal twins, there is typically one who is considered one who is the more sensitive sleeper and another who is considered the more challenging sleeper. The sensitive sleeper is more reliant on routine and can't adapt well to changes in the schedule but generally sleeps well. The more challenging sleeper struggles with falling asleep independently and tends to take shorter naps. 

In order to prevent overtiredness -- which makes it harder for children to sleep -- parents should generally focus on prioritizing the sleep needs of the more sensitive sleeper, the one with apparently higher sleep needs. 

If the children will be sharing a room, it is generally recommended that parents sleep train their twins in the same room. Yes, they may wake each other initially, but it's the only way they will eventually learn to sleep through each others' noises. The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends that twins do not share a sleep surface. Room-sharing with parents for at least the first six months, but ideally until one year, can reduce the risk of SIDS by up to 50%.

As discussed in my previous post, put the cribs as far apart as possible. Put a white noise machine on the floor between them. Use blackout curtains for every nap as well as at night. If one baby wakes at night for a feeding, wake the other for a feeding also unless they are past four months and your healthcare provider has given the okay for night weaning. In that case, don't wake the sleeping baby for a feeding. I know this can be scary because it might mean twice as many night wakings for you! Try to delay the first feeding until after midnight.  

Fraternal twins typically do not consolidate naps at the same time. But you want them on the same schedule. This can be tricky! When one wakes after a short nap... don't let him get up! He needs practice putting himself back to sleep. Even at the risk of disturbing his twin. Give the catnapper at least 15-30 minutes to fall back asleep, for at least a total of 60-90 minutes in the crib. If he still won't sleep, get both babies up and out of their cribs so that they are sleepy at the same time for the next nap. 

Night sleep training typically takes about 2 weeks for twins and naps can take even longer to fall into place. But don't despair, with time and consistency, things will get better.

I love working with twin families! You guys amaze me. Let me help you get your little ones sleeping through the night. Let's set up a free chat and see how I can get your family the sleep you deserve. 

​

Twins. Double trouble but triple the joy? 

I haven't been lucky enough to experience multiples personally (though I was hoping for them with my firstborn!) . But I've recently had the pleasure of working with two sets of twins and I'd like to share a few tips for all those tired families of twins and higher-order multiples.

1. Identical twins typically have similar sleep needs, while fraternal twins are more likely to have different sets of sleep needs. In a separate blog post, I'll talk about how to address these different sets of needs.
   
   
2. Unless you are able to provide separate bedrooms for each twin long-term, it's usually best to sleep train them in the same room. 
   
   Yes, this means that they will likely wake each other up. In the beginning. Eventually, they will learn to sleep through each other's noise. This is an important key to success with twins. Unfortunately, there's no easy way to get there. You just have to get through it.
   
   
3. White noise can really help with covering some of the noise though. My absolute favorite white noise is the HomeMedics White Noise Sound Machine. It's considerably louder, cheaper, and more lightweight than the Marpac or the Dohm. It also allows you to use batteries if you are traveling and there's not a handy outlet nearby. We've even used ours in a tent!
   
   
4. Each twin should have her own crib once she is able to move around, if not before. It's best to have the cribs as far apart as is safely possible. This makes them less likely to disturb each other.
   
   
5. Blackout shades during naps and nighttime sleep are especially important when working with twins. We want to make sleepy cues super obvious. 
   
   
6. Consistency, as always, is key. Whatever approach you take to sleep training, you need to do it exactly the same for each twin. 
   
   
7. Both twins need to be on the same schedule, for the sanity of the parents. Otherwise you will never leave the house!
   
   If you can't get them into bed at exactly the same time, it should be within 30 minutes of each other. It is okay if one twin goes to bed a bit earlier than he might otherwise need. If he's not tired, he can rest or play quietly in his crib until he gets sleepy. If he's crying in the crib, he's tired! It does not mean that he feels like he's in baby jail -- these are thoughts we adults assign to our babies. So please don't feel guilty about putting your twin to bed at a time you fear is not ideal.
   
   
8. Feed both twins at the same time, or as close as possible, unless one twin is ready to skip night feedings. This will help their sleep schedules sync up. At night, if both babies need feedings, when one baby wakes up, wake the other for a feeding too. I highly recommend the My Brest Friend Nursing Pillow for Twins, whether you are breast or bottle feeding. Feeding both babies at the same time can save you a lot of time. 
   
   If your babies were in the NICU and come home on a schedule, consider keeping them on that schedule. It can also save you a lot of time and effort in the long run.
   
   
9. Many twins are born small and need extra attention paid to feedings and weight gain. By nine months adjusted, though, most babies are ready to be night weaned unless your pediatrician still has concerns about weight gain. In the long run, night weaning makes for higher quality sleep and thus, happier babies. 
   
   It's up to you to decide how to night wean. Some folks prefer a more gradual approach, slowly decreasing the volume or length of feedings, while others prefer to go cold turkey so that the change happens faster. Either way will work, as long as you are consistent in your approach. 
   
   
10. When you are feeling guilty that one twin has to wait her turn for attention, or otherwise has her needs compromised, remember that there are many gifts to being a twin. Just like with disparate-age siblings! 
    
    Learning to take turns, to share, and to wait are all valuable life lessons. And many twins grow up to have an unbelievably close bond as adults. I lived with one set of twins as an adult, and I was envious of the closeness they enjoyed. 
    
    Being a twin (or higher order multiple) is a rare and special gift! With better sleep, you'll be able to appreciate your unique gift all the more.
    
    

For help with sleep training twins, or any other child, schedule a free chat with me and get your questions answered.