 These are the number two questions I get asked in sleep consultations.
Here are my answers. Number one: it depends. Children typically – though not always – cry longer with more parental involvement. You may think that your presence will be soothing – and perhaps it is, no way to know what a little one is thinking – but it’s definitely stimulating. A child can stay awake longer – and therefore cry longer – when there’s someone to interact with. No matter how boring the interaction. Another factor is if you have attempted sleep training before. If you have, and you didn’t complete the sleep training, most likely your child figured out that if they cry or call long enough, you will come take them out of the crib. So they will definitely cry at least that long before falling asleep. A third factor is, not surprisingly, your child’s temperament. The thing about this is: it’s hard to know ahead of time. Almost everyone I talk to think their child is going to be the hardest one yet to sleep train. And in most cases, that is not the case. But it can be hard to predict. Parents who have easy-to-sleep-train children generally don’t hire a sleep consultant. So almost every family I work with has a child they believe is really challenging. And I believe them! But they can’t all be the hardest one ever. 🙂 That being said, here is a ballpark figure: I would say, on average, the typical child who is doing cry it out will cry for about 45 minutes the first night of sleep training. If you choose a more-parental-involvement approach, it will probably take longer. Which is not a problem if that feels like the right approach for your family! It is just data for you to consider. I support parents at all involvement levels. I do not have a one-size-fits-all approach. Every family picks the approach that is right for them. Number two: it also depends. Sorry. If you pick a less-parental-involvement method like cry it out aka extinction, your child will almost certainly be sleeping through the night more quickly than if you pick a more involved method. Again, that doesn’t mean you should do a less involved method. It’s just one factor among many. If your child is currently feeding during the night, sleep training will take longer. In most cases, I recommend a gradual night weaning schedule for babies under age 1 and sometimes even beyond. We don’t want babies crying from extreme hunger at night. Waking from habit is a different story. That can be unlearned. If your child is not feeding at night and you choose CIO, it typically takes 3-5 nights for your child to sleep through the night. Some kids do it much faster and some do it much slower. I would say that in almost every case, though, you’ll see significant progress in 3 nights. If you choose the chair method, it takes 12 nights just to be outside of your child’s room at night (and no longer sitting in sight in the hallway). This might or might not be the right method for your family – it depends on you. No matter how long it takes, one thing to keep in mind is that if you do nothing, your child will almost certainly still be waking up at night. A few harder nights might be worth a payoff? Only you can decide. PS If you’d like help getting your child across the finish line to great sleep, schedule a free consult and lets talk about what a well rested life would look like for your family. Results are guaranteed.
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 Jenny and Rusty came to me for sleep support for their two-year-old daughter, Ariella. Here’s how they described their bedtime routine to me: “Ariella has always been a challenging sleeper. We shared our bed with her for the first 18 months, then gradually transitioned her to a crib, starting out sitting next to the crib while she fell asleep, then gradually moving further away until Dad was sitting in a chair by the door every day while she fell asleep. We live in a small apartment and we couldn’t move outside the door because then light from the rest of the apartment would flood her bedroom with light (with the door open). Then about 6 months ago, she started climbing out of the crib so we transitioned her to a toddler bed. The issue is that recently she seems really revved up at bedtime. Sometimes she stands on the lower railing of the toddler bed. It’s taking longer and longer to get her to fall asleep. Previously she was going to bed at 7:45 but now it’s more like 8:30-8:45. The bedtime routine has gotten progressively longer (it used to be 45 minutes and now it is 1.5-2 hours) and now Rusty has to rock her to sleep instead of just sitting in the chair by the door." Simultaneously with these bedtime challenges, Rusy’s job has gotten really busy and he often has to work in the evenings, while Jenny is 2 months away from delivering their second child. Rusty and Jenny said they would like an easier bedtime routine that takes less time because Rusty needs time to work and with a newborn, they won’t be able to manage a 2 hour bedtime routine for Ariella. “We want Ariella to feel confident in her abilities to sleep independently, and for us to have time to get things done and also reconnect in the evenings.” Rusty and Jenny had never done any sort of formal sleep training, and felt strongly that they were “not CIO people,” so after reviewing the options, they decided to go with the most gradual approach, the Chair Method. With that method, the parent sits in a chair in the room, in this case starting by the door since that’s where they had already been, and gradually moves further away every 3rd night. Things were going pretty well until Rusty moved the chair outside the room. That’s when all hell broke loose. Ariella wouldn’t stay in her room, and was up for hours. She took off her diaper, and emptied the contents of her dresser. It seemed like having Rusty outside the door, even with the door open and where Ariella could see him, was making her increasingly upset. The next few nights got progressively worse. She started waking up repeatedly during the night, increasingly anxious and upset. Her parents were getting more and more tired, and so, of course, was Ariella. One night things came to a head. Rusty was working late and Jenny had already been up multiple times with Ariella and was at her wits end. Ariella was waking up screaming every 45-90 minutes. Jenny made a spur of the moment decision because she felt like all the check-ins were actually making Ariella progressively more anxious. Jenny stopped responding and within half an hour, Ariella fell asleep… and slept 6 consecutive hours, the most she had slept in days. Best of all, she woke up in a better mood and less clingy than she had in a week. We spoke that day and they decided to sit with Ariella only at bedtime that night, and stay out of her room the rest of the night. That night, Ariella cried 25 minutes at bedtime and then slept the rest of the night! And then last night, they left her room after 5 minutes, with her still awake, and she had her best night yet and slept through the entire night! She woke up relaxed and happy. This is an interesting case because it became so clear that a more involved approach was actually making this child more anxious. As parents, we assume that a gentler, more gradual approach is a kinder one but in Ariella’s case, we can see that in this case, the opposite was true. If you’d like to see your child sleep through the night independently, set up a free consult to find out more about what the process might look like for your family. There’s no obligation to buy and I promise you’ll come away with a few things to try, free of charge. And there's zero pressure to try an approach that doesn't feel right for your family.  It's crucial to leave your baby awake in the crib when doing any kind of sleep training, including timed checks. Parents often ask about an intermediate option between cry it out and the most gradual options (which are typically the most time consuming methods).
Here’s what you need to know about timed checks. First off, there are no no-cry methods, for most kids. Sorry. I know that’s a bummer. If there was a no-cry method, I would be all over it! ***There are some kids – usually 3 and up – who don’t end up crying at all after we prepare them adequately for the sleep training process. And there are some gentle options for very little babies that likewise don’t involve crying. Given that, the question becomes: what is the easiest way for your child to learn to sleep independently. Timed checks are a popular option. The basic gist of them is that you leave the child alone and awake in their room. You set a timer and come back every few minutes for a brief check-in. You typically do not pick them up or even pat them, because this tends to ultimately be more upsetting for kids… because when you get close enough to touch your child, your child thinks you are going to pick them up… and they get really frustrated when they realize the truth. So the check is usually just 10-20 seconds. You pop your head in and say a calm sleep mantra, something like, “it’s time to sleep, I love you, I’ll check on you again in a few minutes.” Then you wait another pre-determined interval. With traditional Ferber, you increase the waiting time each time. Another method recommends staying at every 5 minutes. I generally recommend increasing the interval because the checks are stimulating… but some of my colleagues do not. Likewise with traditional Ferber, you do not go back in if the child’s crying is winding down. In that case, you stop the clock and set it back to zero. You only start it again if the crying ramps up again. A common misconception is that the check-ins will be soothing. They generally are not soothing for babies and toddlers. Preschoolers and above are more likely to be soothed by them, because they are able to understand your intent with coming back. From a baby or toddler’s perception, popping your head in and not picking them up is frustrating. That doesn’t mean it’s not worthwhile, though. There may be value in teaching them that you always come back… it just takes a few days to see the benefit. Personally, doing timed checks with my oldest just enraged her, so I only checked on her a few times. With my youngest, timed checks were helpful at 5 months and younger because I could replace the pacifier. When I try to do them now, at 8 months, they make her hysterical. I only go in if her pacifier has fallen to the floor. There is, unfortunately, no perfect, no-cry method, nor one that is successful with 100% of children. But timed checks can be an effective method for many families. Want to talk about what method would be best for your family? Schedule a free consult and find out how your family can be sleeping better in 2 weeks or less, guaranteed. (For babies 6 months or older. Success rates are not 100% in younger babies, due to variability in their ability to self-soothe..)  Not yet crawling but definitely mobile, with the help of her new rolling skills. Last week, at 8 months old, my daughter Valentina started waking up at 2:30 am. Very upset and wanting to eat.
The thing was, she hadn’t eaten at night since she was 4 months old. (I had sleep trained her then.) I didn’t know why she was suddenly waking up at night again. I thought maybe a developmental leap, since there are still no teeth in sight, and she seems perfectly healthy. (In hindsight, she finally rolled over last week onto her belly – she’d been teetering on her side for months but wouldn’t commit to fully rolling – and since then, immediately has been rolling across the room like a maniac, threatening to smash into walls. So it probably was developmental but hindsight is 20:20). So after the third night of waking up at night, I decided that something needed to be done. This was quickly becoming a habit, and one that was not helping my sleep nor her own. So the next night, when she woke up at 2:20 am, I went in once, after 5 minutes, to offer her pacifier and make sure she didn’t have a fever or a dirty diaper. And then I went back to bed. And listened to her cry. Her bed is a little nook right off my room and there are slats in her door to give it ventilation so… it felt like she was almost right next to me. It was loud. It was torturous. I hated it. Here’s why I did it. Every time I go in to check on her, her crying gets so much louder. She’s infuriated, lately, by my coming and then leaving again. She spits out her pacifier. She is most definitely not reassured. And I don’t have the patience for sitting next to her, patting her, and I don’t think it would be comforting to her anyway. Nursing her back to sleep was definitely not teaching her to be a better sleeper. It was teaching her to wake up for a midnight snack every night. I figured CIO was the fastest, and therefore most merciful, way to get the job done. And thankfully, I was right. The next night she made a few squaks at around 2 am, and since then, she’s slept through the night. She wakes up happy and so do I. CIO isn’t the right choice for every baby and every family. I never tell a family that they need to do CIO. When I work with families, I help them make the right choice for their family. For very young babies and for preschoolers, there sometimes isn’t any crying. For those in between ages, well, there generally is some crying but it is temporary and great sleep is on the other side… no matter what method you choose. If you are thinking about sleep training but are worried about your child crying, you are not alone. It can be daunting to think about. Schedule a free consult and let’s talk about your options and what you can expect, should you decide to sleep train. I’m here to help. No pressure to buy.  In my previous blog post, I talked about how doing “thought work” has changed my life, and how it can make sleep training, or any big life change, a lot easier. In this blog post, I’ll talk about figuring out how to actually execute the changes necessary to change your life. And your sleep. First off, I recommend that you do daily thought downloads and thought models every single day. They help me stay motivated and I know they will help you, too. I would love to hear yours -- post in the comments below! Secondly, you need to figure out how to execute the dramatic changes you wish to make in your life. There is no one right answer to this. It really depends on you and your style. Are you a rip-off-the-bandaid kind of person that would rather get the pain over and done with? Then you might consider doing an extinction-style method of sleep training. This method involves putting your baby to bed and not returning until morning. Critics say that this method is cruel, but evidence-based research shows that short-term crying associated with sleep training is not dangerous and doesn’t hurt a child’s attachment to her parents. https://pediatrics.duke.edu/news/sleep-training-your-child-myths-and-facts-every-parent-should-know Proponents say that extinction-style sleep training is the fastest method and involves the least amount of crying, overall, for children. And gets children (and their parents) the sleep they need in the least amount of time. Because it’s quick, it is more likely that parents can remain consistent long enough to get the training completed. Others prefer a more gradual approach. For children older than four months, this typically involves sitting on a chair next to the crib every time the child is in the crib but not yet asleep. Every few days, the parent moves the chair further from the crib until eventually, they are in the hall and out of sight. At that point, the parent is free to leave the chair but can still call out to verbally reassure the child if needed. Fans of this method like that the child can see the parent and doesn’t feel alone, especially if the child is accustomed to co-sleeping. Dissenters feel like this method takes too long and thus, is harder on both the child -- who is upset to see the parent and not be picked up -- and the parent, who has to be consistent for many nights in a row and can’t even read or look at a screen while sitting in the chair. Some folks fall in the middle, choosing to leave the room but return briefly to check on the child at ever-increasing intervals of time. This is slower than extinction but faster than the chair method. There is no one “correct” method. Every family is different. Only you know what is right for your family. Regardless of the method chosen, families will want to make sure that bedtime, morning wake time, and naptimes are optimized to catch the child at just the right moment, tired but not overtired. Naptimes and bedtimes at inappropriate times can create overtiredness, which means cortisol, the “stress hormone,” makes it harder for the child to fall asleep and stay asleep. But every child, and every parent, needs great sleep. Great sleep is a gift to the entire family. Let’s make 2020 a well-rested year for your family. Schedule a free consult and see how we can get your family the sleep you deserve. New Year's Resolutions (Like Sleep Training) Made Easier: Part One. Change Your Thoughts.12/30/2019  Do you have a New Year's Resolution for yourself and your family? Does it involve better sleep?
Want some help with that? I'm not talking about sleep coaching, but about "thought work. " Six months ago, I started listening to The Life Coach School podcasts. Not long after, I joined Self Coaching Scholars. The thought model they teach has changed my life. When we change our thoughts, it's a lot easier to change our feelings, and thus our behavior, which changes our results. Let me show you how. Unintentional Thought Model About Sleep Training Circumstance: My baby wakes up crying every two hours at night. I nurse her back to sleep. Thought: I hate listening to her cry. Sleep training will be too hard. I won't be able to stand it. Emotion: dread, fear, frustration Action: I do nothing to change her sleep. Result: Her sleep continues to be disrupted. She is overtired and cranky and so am I. Now look what happens if I change my thinking, even without changing my circumstance. Intentional Thought Model About Sleep Training Circumstance: My baby wakes up crying every two hours at night. I nurse her back to sleep. Thought: The poor thing is crying because she's overtired. Just like me. I am strong enough to endure some crying to help her get the sleep she so desperately needs. (Note: sleep training doesn't necessarily have to involve crying.) Emotion: resolve, determination Action: I take steps to ensure that I have support with sleep training. I make a plan. And then I dig deep and sleep train my baby. Result: My baby is sleeping so much better and so am I. We are so much happier and enjoying our time together so much more! You can see clearly how sleep training would be so much easier with the second model. Changing our thinking is amazingly powerful! It's important, though, to recognize and empathize with the thoughts and feelings of the first model before changing thoughts to create the second model. Your thoughts and feelings and fears are still completely valid and worth recognizing. Lest you think I am oversimplifying or making this all sound so easy, let me share my own thought model from today. They really work! I've made so many amazing changes in my life as a result of them. Circumstance: There are rolls and desserts served with dinner at our resort. Thought: I deserve the rolls and desserts because I successfully fasted today. (I practice intermittent fasting each day. I love it! Usually.) Feeling: justified Action: I eat the rolls and the dessert. A lot of them. Result: I have a stomach ache during the night. I have a harder time fasting the next day because all those processed carbohydrates make me more hungry. Here's my intentional thought model for today: Circumstance: There are rolls and desserts served with dinner at our resort. Thought: My body will feel so much better if I abstain. I'll be so proud of myself tomorrow. And my fast will be easier. I can do hard things, like avoid processed carbohydrates! Feeling: determined Action: I abstain from processed carbohydrates. Result: I don't have a stomach ache tonight. I feel proud of myself. My body doesn't hurt. I like how my body looks. Here's one I did yesterday. I got coached on this one by a coach at the Life Coach School. You can see that I'm not perfect at bedtime, either! Circumstance: It's bedtime and the kids are dawdling. Thought: I am DONE. I need them in bed NOW. Feeling: impatience, frustration, irritability Action: I snap at the kids. Result: An unpleasant bedtime experience for everyone. versus Circumstance: It's bedtime and the kids are dawdling. Thought: It's only natural that the kids are delaying bedtime. They are having a great time and don't want to stop having fun. We are so lucky to have lives we love. Feeling: sympathetic Action: kind but firm limits are enforced without anger Result: children are in bed and I am not frazzled and frustrated. I do a thought download every single day. I like to do them first thing each morning, to set the stage for a great day, each and every day. I encourage you to do the same. Next week, I'll talk about some of the nuts and bolts of creating your New Year's Resolutions to change your family's sleep for the better. |
AuthorAbby Wolfson is a pediatric nurse practitioner, certified child sleep consultant and certified life coach for parents. She divides her time between Brooklyn, NY and San Miguel de Allende, Mexico. Archives
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