Do you have a New Year's Resolution for yourself and your family? Does it involve better sleep?

Want some help with that? 

I'm not talking about sleep coaching, but about "thought work. "

Six months ago, I started listening to The Life Coach School podcasts. Not long after, I joined Self Coaching Scholars. The thought model they teach has changed my life.

When we change our thoughts, it's a lot easier to change our feelings, and thus our behavior, which changes our results. Let me show you how. 

Unintentional Thought Model About Sleep Training

Circumstance: My baby wakes up crying every two hours at night. I nurse her back to sleep.
Thought: I hate listening to her cry. Sleep training will be too hard. I won't be able to stand it.
Emotion: dread, fear, frustration
Action: I do nothing to change her sleep.
Result: Her sleep continues to be disrupted. She is overtired and cranky and so am I.

Now look what happens if I change my thinking, even without changing my circumstance. 

Intentional Thought Model About Sleep Training
Circumstance: My baby wakes up crying every two hours at night. I nurse her back to sleep.
Thought: The poor thing is crying because she's overtired. Just like me. I am strong enough to endure some crying to help her get the sleep she so desperately needs. (Note: sleep training doesn't necessarily have to involve crying.)
Emotion: resolve, determination
Action: I take steps to ensure that I have support with sleep training. I make a plan. And then I dig deep and sleep train my baby.
Result: My baby is sleeping so much better and so am I. We are so much happier and enjoying our time together so much more!

You can see clearly how sleep training would be so much easier with the second model. Changing our thinking is amazingly powerful!

It's important, though, to recognize and empathize with the thoughts and feelings of the first model before changing thoughts to create the second model. Your thoughts and feelings and fears are still completely valid and worth recognizing.

Lest you think I am oversimplifying or making this all sound so easy, let me share my own thought model from today. They really work! I've made so many amazing changes in my life as a result of them.

Circumstance: There are rolls and desserts served with dinner at our resort. 
Thought: I deserve the rolls and desserts because I successfully fasted today. (I practice intermittent fasting each day. I love it! Usually.)
Feeling: justified
Action: I eat the rolls and the dessert. A lot of them.
Result: I have a stomach ache during the night. I have a harder time fasting the next day because all those processed carbohydrates make me more hungry.

Here's my intentional thought model for today: 

Circumstance: There are rolls and desserts served with dinner at our resort. 
Thought: My body will feel so much better if I abstain. I'll be so proud of myself tomorrow. And my fast will be easier. I can do hard things, like avoid processed carbohydrates!
Feeling: determined
Action: I abstain from processed carbohydrates.
Result: I don't have a stomach ache tonight. I feel proud of myself. My body doesn't hurt. I like how my body looks.

Here's one I did yesterday. I got coached on this one by a coach at the Life Coach School. You can see that I'm not perfect at bedtime, either!

Circumstance: It's bedtime and the kids are dawdling.
Thought: I am DONE. I need them in bed NOW. 
Feeling: impatience, frustration, irritability
Action: I snap at the kids.
Result: An unpleasant bedtime experience for everyone.

versus

Circumstance: It's bedtime and the kids are dawdling.
Thought: It's only natural that the kids are delaying bedtime. They are having a great time and don't want to stop having fun. We are so lucky to have lives we love.
Feeling: sympathetic
Action: kind but firm limits are enforced without anger
Result: children are in bed and I am not frazzled and frustrated. 

I do a thought download every single day. I like to do them first thing each morning, to set the stage for a great day, each and every day. I encourage you to do the same.

Next week, I'll talk about some of the nuts and bolts of creating your New Year's Resolutions to change your family's sleep for the better.  

I conceived both of my children on my own, with an anonymous sperm donor. So that meant there was no eager partner offering to help at night... and no tired partner grudgingly willing to help, either. My mother helped with my first during daytime hours, but she was totally off duty at night.

And so with my first baby at night, I did it all. 

Despite being weak from a postpartum hemorrhage, I roused myself with each cry. I changed the diapers, nursed the baby, and soothed her back to sleep. 

Luckily for me, she was mostly a good sleeper and usually went back to sleep after a feeding. That doesn't mean I wasn't occasionally in tears from fatigue. In hindsight, I can see I made a mistake. I should have gotten nighttime help.

I was beyond exhausted. Some days, emptying the dishwasher was an insurmountable task. Luckily we were staying with my mother -- I was too weak to take care of us at home -- so she cooked and washed dishes and changed diapers and burped the baby. And by the time we returned home, I was more or less okay. 

But still. I would have enjoyed those early days a lot more if I had had some nighttime help. Even once or twice, for a few hours, would have made a huge difference.

With my second, my mom was gone. I had no family member offering to pitch in. I had great friends but they were busy with their own young children. And I had a three-year-old who needed me, too. A three-year-old that tended to burst into my room at 6 am, ready to start the day. Whether or not I had been up half the night with my colicky second-born or not.

Let's just say I was not a great mother to my older child in those early days.

It was miserable. For all of us. 

Finally, I realized that I needed help. 

Through the grapevine, I learned of a baby "nurse" (not actually a registered nurse) in the neighborhood. Laurel ran a local daycare and a friend recommended her highly. Sold.

Laurel came one night at 10 pm. I felt all kinds of wrong, handing my newborn over to a stranger. Leaving them alone in my living room and going to my bedroom to pump and then go to sleep (with my white noise machine on high) was surreal.

But I did it anyway. Albeit nervously. 

I sent an alarm to wake up and pump four hours later. Four hours after that, Laurel crept into my bedroom and eased the baby into the bassinet and quietly departed. 

It felt so good that I had her come back the next night to do it again. I was stressed about the money but it was amazing to feel semi-human again. 

After two nights of help, I could imagine a world in which I actually enjoyed having two children. I started to think my older child was kind of cute, after all. 

From then on, Laurel came every few nights. I continued to worry about spending so much money while on maternity leave but I just couldn't see a way to survive without her. 

My breastmilk supply was fine with pumping at bedtime and again once during the night. My little one was not any worse at nursing for taking the occasional bottle (she never had a great latch in the early weeks -- despite visiting a lactation specialist, her mouth was just too small -- but she didn't get worse). 

And then at five weeks, everything shifted. Amelie's tummy troubles eased. The long hours of newborn fussing lessened. She started to sleep a longer stretch at night. And it was clear I didn't need help anymore. I gratefully bid Laurel a fond farewell... and started to recommend her to my friends.

In hindsight, I wish I had had her come more often. I was scared that I would need her for a long time, but it turned out that the newborn period of mixed up days and nights, plus colic, didn't last long. Most babies start to sleep a longer stretch at night by about six weeks from the due date, though some don't start to recover from colic until about 4 months of age. 

I wish I could go back and tell myself that even with my firstborn, it would have been a great idea to get paid (or not) help. It  would have been okay to ask for a baby gift of contributing to a night nanny instead of unecessary baby clothes. 

And so I want to tell all of you that there is no shame in accepting nighttime help, or even asking for it. When people ask how they can help, say, "would you be willing to do an evening shift with the baby?"

It's not too much to ask a friend or family member to watch the baby from 8 pm for a few hours so you can go to sleep and get a few uninterrupted hours. Even just three or four hours of unbroken sleep when you aren't straining to listen for a newborn cry can be amazingly restorative. 

There's a myth in our culture that moms have to do it all. And effortlessly fit back into our pre-pregnancy jeans by six weeks postpartum, to boot. 

This is a disservice to new families everywhere.

The newborn period is incredibly hard (for many, not all). I promise, it will get easier. 

In the meantime, accept all the help you can. When someone says, "Let me know if you need anything," say "yes, actually, would you be willing to watch the baby while I sleep?" The worst they can say is no. But most people relish the opportunity to cuddle a newborn. And truly want to contribute.

Pay someone if you need to. 

It doesn't mean you are a bad mother (or father). It doesn't mean you didn't want to become a parent. It doesn't mean you are lazy, or weak, or unloving. 

Getting better sleep will make a better, more loving parent. And your newborn is most likely happy with any warm body. It doesn't have to be you in the early days (except for breastfeeding, of course). Take advantage of this and get yourself some sleep. 

And hopefully it goes without saying but please don't bake or clean or even shower to prepare for these helpers. They are there to help you. Focus on your own needs. Take the best care of you that you can so that later, you can take care of your new little family member. 

Massive sleep deprivation is not good for breast milk production, family bonding, or postpartum blues and depression. You are doing your whole family a favor by accepting help. 

Motherhood is a long game. You are not going to make or break it as a parent in the first few weeks.  Do yourself a favor and build up your strength so that you have more to give in later weeks when the offers of help dry up.

And rest assured, there are things you can do to make things easier in the early days, even when you don't have help. My number one suggestion is always to keep wakeful intervals very short for newborns. I aim for about 45 minutes awake, or the first yawn, whichever comes first. Preventing overtiredness will make it much easier for your newborn to go back to sleep, whether during the day or at night.

Beyond that, use Dr. Harvey Karp's 5 S's to help soothe your little one and get her sleeping: sucking (pacifiers worked great for both my children and didn't affect breastfeeding... the latest research supports this), shushing (white noise or even the oven exhaust fan works great), swaddling (even if she seems to hate it at first), swinging (in your arms or in a stroller or baby swing), and sidelying (only while being supervised). 

If you need more support -- and remember, there's no shame in that! -- let's set up a free chat and see if we can't get you and your little one sleeping better.  

The idea of sleep training your baby or child is scary.

I get it. I've been there.

I didn't know about sleep coaches when my oldest was a baby so I hired my doula (the amazing Grace Veras Sealey in Ditmas Park, Brooklyn) to come over and hold my hand. She sat with me and gave me courage and lo and behold, two days later my daughter was falling asleep on her own in her crib. Easy peasy.

Last week, I told my friend that I love her. I've never in my life said that first to someone. (She didn't say it back. Yet. And that's okay, too.)

So many things in our lives sound so scary. Until we actually do them. 

And then we feel great and move on to the next hard and scary thing. 

I'm not scared of sleep training any more, but there's still lots of things I find scary. That's why my new motto, as we count down 16 days until the new decade, is "I can do hard and scary things."

I don't need a sleep coach but I get weekly coaching from an amazing program called Self Coaching Scholars at the Life Coach School. I think we never outgrow the need for support in tackling the hard and scary things in life. 

Next up on my Hard And Scary Things list: posting video of myself each week to Instagram and Facebook so you guys can get to know me. 

What hard and scary things are you planning to do as as 2019 winds down, or when 2020 starts? I would love to hear! Please post in the comments section.

If your hard and scary thing is sleep training, let's make it easier. Schedule a free consult and we will break it down into manageable steps. Imagine 2020 as your year to be well-rested! How amazing would THAT feel?

​ 

Weekends. Gloriously free but hectic, too. So much you need to do. And so many things you just want to do.

Grocery shopping. Errands. Cooking. Catching up with friends and family. And then the ever-elusive sleeping in.

Surely a later bedtime on weekends can't hurt?

Well, only if you and your child don't mind the occasional jet lag.

The truth is, children don't do well with a lack of consistency in their routine. Children thrive on predictable wake times, nap times, and bedtimes. Putting them to bed later feels to their bodies like changing time zones. You know that doesn't feel good. 

And the even uglier truth? Adults do better with consistency, too.

Part of the reason you so desperately want to sleep in on weekends is that you are accumulating sleep debt by changing your bedtime and wake times so frequently.

It's hard to give up those occasional late nights, but if you do, you will feel less tired. Even if you get a bit less sleep, overall. 

Before you accuse me of being a Grinch... I get it. I truly do.

This past weekend, I kept my children up late to go see the newly-lit Christmas tree in town. My little one got to bed an hour and a half late. 

Sometimes, we have to prioritize life over sleep. It's important to balance the needs of the entire family, including the parents, with the sleep needs of your child. 

I encourage you to limit exceptions, though, to no more than twice a month. Plan ahead so you save those later nights for the most important of occasions.

Here are some other ways to limit the impact of the occasional late night: 

• Plan for an extra-early bedtime the next night, or even the next several nights. Don't have two late nights in a row. 
• Expect your child to be extra cranky the next day, and plan for extra patience on your part.
• Plan for Monday morning to also be harder than usual. Plan to get up a little early so you won't have to rush your child out of the house too quickly.
• Don't expect your child to sleep late. It's more likely she will wake up early. If she's able to sleep late occasionally, consider yourself lucky!
• Even if he sleeps late, naptime should be at the regular time or even a bit earlier than usual. Try to expose your child to plenty of natural light and get him outside for some exercise the morning after your late night. Lazing around and watching TV all morning won't help him get back on schedule. 
• If your child sleeps late on a regular basis (past 7:30 am), she needs an earlier bedtime. Every night. She is showing you that she is exhausted.  
• If he's waking before 6 am, he's also showing you that he's most likely overtired. 

Watch your child and see how she reacts to the occasional late night. As she gets older, she will be more able to tolerate that occasional exception. A younger toddler may be better off staying home with a babysitter and getting to bed on time, rather than going out with the family. It may also be a lot more enjoyable for you that way. Rest assured, she won't need this early bedtime forever. 

Need some help adjusting your child's bedtime? Set up a free consult and let's chat!

Holiday travel and sleep schedules. 

You had the best of intentions, right?

And then it all went out the window. Because you weren't in control of mealtimes, and thus couldn't control bedtimes. And now your little one is going to bed too late and waking up too early and maybe even sleeping in your bed. You are afraid that all your hard work with sleep training has gone out the window. 

Deep breaths, tired parents. 

It hasn't all gone out the window.

And no judgment. We've all been there. Me too. 

Once you have done the hard work of sleep training the first time, it'll never be this hard again. I promise!

Here are some tips for getting your little one back on track quickly:

• Assume she is overtired and put her to bed early the first few nights back at home. She's actually less likely to wake up too early with an earlier, rather than later, bedtime.
  
  
• Immediately revert back to the bedtime routine you had before your trip. If you used to nurse and then brush teeth, but have been nursing him to sleep on your trip, go back to nursing and then brushing teeth on your first full day back home. Don't bother with this after a long day of exhausting travel... just get him to bed as quick as you can that first night. Go back to the old routine the next night.
  
  
• If you were bed-sharing while you were traveling, but didn't before your trip, don't continue it at home. Even for a night. Your child will quickly understand that sometimes, exceptions are made on trips, but the old rules still stand at home.
  
  
• If your child is having night wakings, go back to whatever training method you used to sleep train initially. Don't wait, as this will only make it harder -- start on your first full day back home. 
  
  If you used an exinction method, do it again. I promise it will be faster this time! Same goes for if you used timed checks or the chair method. (In the case of the chair method, I would start with the chair halfway across the room and move it further from the crib each day.) Just be extremely consistent and your child will quickly get the message that the old rules now apply once again. 
  
  
• Minimize screen time once you are back home. I'm the first to offer unlimited screen time when my kids are trapped in a car or on a plane. But once we are back home, the screens should be put away again. The lighting from a screen is stimulating to a child's brain and can make it harder to fall asleep, especially if the screen time is in the hour before bed. Try to offer plenty of fresh air and activity in the hours before bedtime, instead. 
  
  
• Go back to a healthy diet with plenty of fruits and vegetables. All those carboydrate-rich foods little ones enjoy while traveling tend to be constipating. This can interfere with sleep. Increasing fiber in her diet will help get her regular again. 

Rest assured parents, we've all been there. Travel, and visiting family, is a beautiful thing. Even when it messes with their sleep. If you follow these tips, you should be back on a predictable, restful schedule again very quickly. Don't forget to include an early bedtime for yourself, too! All that travel and social interaction is exhausting for everyone.

Need some help getting back on track? Or maybe your child's sleep wasn't ideal to begin with? No worries. I'm here to help -- no judgment. Just schedule a free consult and we'll get your family the rest you all deserve.