Dr Becky taught me the idea of “Deeply Feeling Kids.” This idea has transformed my parenting as well as they way I coach my clients.
One of the metaphors she shared in her latest DFK workshops was comparing emotional regulation to learning to swim.
She says, “we don’t get mad at our kids for not knowing how to swim. We don’t leave them alone in the deep end.”
In the same vein, we shouldn’t get mad at our kids for not knowing how to regulate their emotions yet. We can’t teach them emotional regulation. They absorb emotional regulation from us.
What that looks like in my own parenting practice: when my younger daughter has a meltdown, I go to where she is, take her by the hand, and take her to another room. I offer a cuddle, which she may or may not accept. I allow her to vent about the monstrous things her sister is done while I make sympathetic noises.
Things I do not do: ask about my DFK’s role in the conflict, point out that my older daughter probably had a valid point, or label my DFK’s emotions.
(Imagine if you came home from work one day and said to your spouse, “Omg, my boss was such a jerk today!” And your loving spouse replied, “Wow, you sound really mad.” You would want to strangle them.)
I also don’t leave her alone to figure it out. I don’t punish her big feelings with a time-out.
I sit on the floor, or the couch, with her. I stay close. I tell her, “I believe your feelings. In this family, we believe each other’s feelings.” (This is another Dr. Becky gem.)
Believe it or not, these strategies have her reduced the frequency of her tantrums by 90%.
But the best effect of these strategies? Is believing, with all my heart, that when she grows up, she’ll want to stay close to me because I stayed close to her during these challenging times. Instead of big feelings tearing us apart, they are bringing us closer together.
With my clients, one of the challenges we work on is changing our beliefs about why our children act a certain way. If we believe it's a choice, we will react very differently than if we believe they are just out of their depth. I encourage my clients to always believe children always do the best they can.
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This thoughtful New Yorker article sparked a lively debate on my friend’s Facebook wall. Most people seemed fairly hostile towards the approach.
The article says, “In its broadest outlines, gentle parenting centers on acknowledging a child’s feelings and the motivations behind challenging behavior, as opposed to correcting the behavior itself.”
The New Yorker article goes on to say, “a gentle parent holds firm boundaries, gives a child choices instead of orders, and eschews rewards, punishments, and threats—no sticker charts, no time-outs, no “I will turn this car around right now.”"
What’s interesting about this is firm boundaries and choices (versus orders) sound contradictory to me, right? You either have boundaries OR choices, not both.
VeryWellFamily.com defines gentle parenting as, “Gentle parenting focuses on fostering the qualities you want in your child by being compassionate and enforcing consistent boundaries. Unlike some more lenient parenting methods, gentle parenting also encourages discipline, but in an age-appropriate way. Discipline methods focus on teaching valuable life lessons rather than focusing on punishments.”
These two different practices with the same name seem to have contradictory ideas.
Guidepost.Montessori defines gentle parenting as, “Gentle parenting is a parenting approach that encourages a partnership between you and your child to make choices based on an internal willingness instead of external pressures. This parenting style asks you to become aware of the behaviour you model for your child, encourages compassion, welcomes emotions and accepts the child as a whole, capable being.”
It’s not clear that this third approach eschews boundaries, either.
It looks like a lot of the controversy is based on the differences in how gentle parenting is defined versus how it is practiced. Perhaps a lot of parents who like the idea of gentle parenting have trouble maintaining boundaries? It’s hard to say.
For myself, I don’t like the term “gentle” because it sounds loaded. It sounds like maybe parents aren’t supposed to have strong emotions, never mind strong words for their child.
I don’t know about you but for me, I am definitely not gentle (in my words and feelings) all of the time.
Also, I find that people tend to equate “gentle” with permissive. Being afraid of upholding boundaries. I believe strong boundaries are essential not only for parents but for children. Boundaries make children feel safe!
I prefer the term “respectful” parenting. It sounds like it allows some big feelings on either side. It suggests that you don’t have to be calm all the time. You just have to manage those strong emotions in a thoughtful way.
I am not a leader – by any stretch of the imagination – in the respectful parenting movement, if indeed there is one.
But this is how I define respectful parenting to my clients:
This is simply not true of respectful parenting. You acknowledge the emotion and correct the behavior. “I know you’re mad we have to leave. Do you want to put on your shoes or do you want me to help you?”
"Across the parenting boards and group texts, one can detect a certain restlessness. A fatigue is setting in: about the deference to a child's every mood, the strict maintenance of emotional affect, the notion that trying to keep to a schedule that could "authoritarian." Sometimes, the people are saying, a tantrum isn't worthy of being placed on a pedastal. Sometimes, they plead, their voices rising past a gentle threshold, you just need to put your freaking shoes on."
I couldn't agree more... with most of this.
A tantrum should not be placed upon a pedastal. It should be tolerated, then the parent should offer a hug and move on.
A schedule is authoritarian and there is no problem with this. Children's brains are not developed enough to drive the daily schedule. We adults need to do our adulting, parenting jobs. To make decisions that our children may not like.
And when it's time to go, yes, you need to put on your freaking shoes. But I think this can be accomplished just as clearly without the negativity of "freaking". The reason for the "freaking" is that the parent is asking too many times. THIS, not gentle/respectful parenting, is the culprit. Ask only once, then "help" to get the job done, before you are annoyed.
The only part of the above quote I disagree with is this: this is not a definition of respectful parenting and I bet it's not a rule of gentle parenting too. It's the opposite.
Respectful parenting isn't easy. It's hard to always keep your cool. But by respecting your own boundaries and acting swiftly, before they are crossed, parenting actually gets a lot easier.
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Here’s why you should stop punishing your kids: because punishment, unfortunately, doesn’t work.
This isn’t just my opinion. It’s also the belief of the behaviorist movement, created by B.F. Skinner. He said that punishment works temporarily but as soon as the punishment is removed, the behavior comes back.
“Although punishing responses at the beginning of an extinction curve reduced the momentary rate of responding, the rate rose again when punishment was discontinued and that eventually all responses came out. The effect of punishment was a temporary suppression of the behavior, not a reduction in the total number of responses.”
In Psychology Today, PhD Michael Karson cites a study where a rat is rewarded for pressing a lever. After a while, the reward is removed. Whether or not the rat is punished with an electric shock for pressing the lever after that, or simply not rewarded, the rat presses the lever the same number of times. The rat does become more cautious in pressing the lever, but doesn’t reduce the number of presses.
In human terms, children learn to become more cautious, aka sneaky, in their misbehavior… but they don’t stop doing it.
Thus, from a simple behaviorist perspective – working with any mammal, not just small humans – punishment just simply isn’t effective. And if it won’t work, why bother?
Of course, it can be satisfying – let’s be honest! – to finally see our child react to our frustration when we punish them. But the negative emotion we see is anger, resentment, or sadness about the punishment, not a genuine regret for their behavior.
And I think that for most of us, we would agree that we would prefer not to punish just for our own satisfaction. We’d like our child to be learning something, too.
So how can we help our children learn to curb their negative impulses?
One particular method of punishment is still thought to help children learn, time outs.
But if we think about what a time out teaches – “if you exhibit this unwanted behavior, you’ll be exiled from the family” – I think we would all agree that this is hardly the message we want to teach our beloved, if exasperating, children.
Time outs are not a natural consequence. A natural consequence is, if you refuse to eat dinner, you’ll be hungry at bedtime. If you refuse to wear mittens outside in the snow, you’ll have cold hands. If you throw a wooden block at your sister, the wooden block will be taken away.
One way to know if something is a natural consequence versus a punishment: is the link between the unwanted behavior and the consequence perfectly obvious, without an explanation? Losing TV for a week because you hit your brother – the connection here is less than clear. But being hungry at bedtime because you decided not to eat dinner – well, that’s pretty clear cut. If your child says he’s hungry in this scenario, you can be perfectly sympathetic… and you don’t need to solve the problem for him. It’s a perfectly clear learning opportunity.
Natural consequences are highly effective.
It’s hard for parents to stay out of the way in this scenario, though! Why is it easier to take away TV for a week than to let a child go to bed hungry? I would argue the difference is in our own emotional state – we remove TV privileges when we are angry, but we are rational and sad when our child complains pitifully of hunger at bedtime.
Therefore, if you want to teach a lesson but aren’t sure what the lesson should be… WAIT. Wait until you are cooled off before you make a decision.
Misbehavior is not an emergency. You can always say, “I am feeling really angry right now and I need some time to cool off before I talk to you about it.” I would argue this is actually a highly effective move, because a child would much rather be punished than wait to find out what is happening with us!
Which brings me to another point: punishment lets your child off the hook. If you take away TV for a week because your son hit his sister, your son’s emotions are going to be focused on how angry he is at you for taking away his beloved shows. Instead of the desired result, focusing on his behavior.
If, on the other hand, you say, “I’m so upset about you hitting your sister that I need some time alone to think about it,” your child is a lot more likely to be upset about your upset and therefore, to reflect on his behavior.
Your child is also a lot more likely to actually hear the lesson you want to teach if it is coming from a place of love and connection. That’s why it’s always better to connect first and teach [much] later. Your child is highly motivated to earn your love and approval. Once they feel secure in that, they are more open to learning.
A story from my own life from yesterday. I was busy working downstairs and not paying much attention to my children. Suddenly, I heard a splash of water from upstairs. And then a whole lot of trickling water. Not the bathroom, but our upstairs living room. Uh oh.
It turns out that my allegedly precious children decided to throw a bucket of water on the floor to see what would happen.
Normally, I would be furious and start to rage at them, but I was stuck on a customer service call and couldn’t attend to them right away. My partner went upstairs to start cleaning, and asked the children to help.
Abashed, Calliope began to quietly clean but Amelie, our highly reactive six-year-old, began to rage and cry at the unfairness of this “punishment” because none of the mess, supposedly, was her fault.
Cleaning up their mess would seem like a perfectly natural consequence but in this scenario, Amelie was already feeling disconnected and full of shame, and thus, could not absorb the lesson, that we need to clean up when we make a mess.
When I got off the phone -- having had time to reflect on how I wanted to react -- I went upstairs to help. I drew Amelie between my knees and wrapped my arms around her. Her rage quickly melted into tears… but in less than a minute, she was calm and cheerful about helping to clean up, without my saying a word. She just needed reassurance that she was still loved! Imagine if we had sent her for a time out in her room instead! Her rage and sadness would only have been worsened by the separation.
I was lucky that my partner started to clean up with them while I was on my call, and that I had time to prepare myself for the mess and my emotional reaction to it. Mess is very triggering for me. We parents, whether single or partnered, don’t always have this lucky opportunity! For sure, I am not always this serene. (Also yesterday: I shouted at my child for screaming in my ear – loud noises are also very triggering for me. So I far from perfect.)
But it was an inspring experience for me, getting to see that getting angry wouldn’t have helped, but staying calm absolutely did help in both getting Amelie to help clean up and accepting responsibility for her actions. She is still talking about how proud she is for helping to clean up the mess she made.
Another move I like – one I often suggest to clients – are “time ins.” Instead of sending your child away, take her away from the scene… and stay with her. Offer to hold him and to take deep breaths together, but if he’s too angry for comfort, stay anyway and stop talking. Just take a deep breath and do your own deep breathing and look at the floor. Seriously, don't engage at all. Just wait. If you can just keep your thoughts to yourself, he’ll scream and rage... and then seek you out in a minute or two. Then later, much later, like the next day, talk to him about what happened.
Parenting is not easy. For any of us. Our children are quick studies in how to press our buttons. But taking a deep breath before acting is never a bad idea. Once we are calm, we can think rationally about the best way to aid our child in learning from the inevitable learning opportunity.
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The tantrums, in this case, are happening to a six-year-old. My six-year-old. Amelie, who declares herself “the leader of the planet,” has both a bold confidence and an extreme sensitivity to criticism.
She is also struggling at school, according to her, though according to the school, everything is great -- no fighting, no meltdowns, good cooperation and socializing. But Amelie tells us that everyone else in the class -- by which she means the three other English speakers -- are “besties” and she is only a “half bestie” because she doesn’t have scrunchies. Also, the teacher is "mean."
At home, she loses her temper easily, generally when she feels criticized, and occasionally has meltdowns, “barrinchas” in Spanish. Nobody enjoys these!
Just like all of you, I am still learning the art of parenting. We have started working with a therapist to get some strategies, and I’ve also implemented a few from my own reading. Many of these ideas I share with my clients as well.
Here are some things we are trying:
Parenting is an art, not a science. I am always trying to learn and grow as a parent. What interventions have you tried? What has worked best for you and your family?
PS If your child is overtired, behavior will almost certainly be more challenging. Schedule a free consult to find out if your child is in need of more sleep.
We’ve been dealing with a lot of temper tantrums in my house. As my youngest gets older, she gets more skillful at being hurtful.
“You’re the WORST! I hate you! You’re not the best mommy in the history of mommies!”
Followed by a more pitiful, “Why does no one love me? Why do you hate me?”
It all feels really unfair. Obviously, I’ve never said that I hated her. I adore her… most of the time. Occasionally, I don’t like her behavior and I tell her so.
She can’t see the distinction.
And so I remind her that I love her, always, and that I also need her to clean up her mess.
I’m starting work this week with the family of a three-and-a-half year old boy. They successfully sleep trained him as a baby but now he won’t go to sleep unless his father lies down with him. The boy -- let’s call him Oliver -- is clearly exhausted. He tends to throw massive tantrums. His mother said to me, “clearly we can’t do Cry It Out with a three year old.”
Sometimes children need to cry. Sometimes we all need to cry.
Crying is not a problem. Screaming is not a problem. Having a tantrum is not a problem.
Oliver is crying because he’s exhausted and he doesn’t know how to get the sleep he needs. He’s rightfully frustrated. But he’ll tell his parents that he’s mad because Mommy wants to do the bedtime routine, or he’s hungry (after skipping dinner because he was too tired to eat) or he wants to play one more game.
Oliver doesn’t know that sleep is what he needs to feel better.
Maintain the limit -- that it’s time for bed and he can’t have one more game/a cookie/Daddy when it’s Mommy’s turn to do bedtime. Let him get upset.
He also doesn’t know that he needs to empty his emotional backpack. Both he and his parents are a little scared of it. He may be carrying big emotions about quarantine, or about Daddy working from home and not being available to him, or Big Sister taking his toy in the sandbox.
Whatever it is, welcome the tantrum. It’s not dangerous. Embrace the storm. Sit quietly and wait for it to pass. Don’t try to explain to him why his feelings are wrong -- that never feels good. Sit on the floor next to him and make comforting noises if he allows it. He may not. He might not want you to even look at him.
Just wait. When the storm has passed, he will crawl into your arms and feel so much better. He will know that his emotions aren’t a problem for you, that you can handle them, no matter how big. That you are still his fearless leader. No matter what. You are the adult and you’ve got him.
So if I'm being honest, no, I don't love tantrums. They are really unpleasant. But I am practicing embracing them and letting them wash over both of us. I can see that things in our house are getting easier, gradually, as a result.
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I want to sleep train my two daughters, ages 5 months old and 2.5 years old, respectively, but I have a problem. I am scared that if I let either child cry, she will wake her sister. Two children awake at the same time, especially in the middle of the night, is my personal nightmare.
As a result, I am feeding the baby every 2-3 hours all night long, to keep her quiet, and I have to crawl into the crib with my older daughter several times each night to soothe her back to sleep. It can take up to an hour each time to get her sleeping again.
Also, my older daughter refuses to let my husband put her to bed -- she screams if he tries to help -- and I am exclusively breastfeeding the baby, so I have to do everything myself.
I am completely exhausted and I don’t know what to do. Please help!
Fear of waking a sibling is a common theme with the parents I work with. Many of my clients live in apartments or small houses. And many of my families with twins need or want to keep their children together in one room.
I get it. I've been there. I was in a one bedroom apartment until my older daughter was one. Then I had a two bedroom apartment until my younger daughter was two-and-a-half. And of course, my children still share a room whenever we travel.
So we have experienced a lot of room sharing in my life as a parent. It's challenging, no doubt about it.
Here's my advice: lean in. Embrace the pain. Don't try to keep one quiet to avoid waking the other.
Here's why: as long as you are desperate to keep one child quiet to avoid waking the other, your children are in control. And if they are a toddler or older, they undoubtedly know it. And will use it to their advantage.
Unlike new parents, children are designed to learn to sleep through their siblings' noises. There is no biological advantage to a sibling waking up to the sounds of another child, so with practice, they can learn to sleep through it.
This is especially true for twins but also holds true for siblings with an age difference.
Here's some more specific tips:
If you would like achieving this goal, or any other sleep goal, schedule a free chat and get your family the sleep you deserve.
Abby Wolfson is a pediatric nurse practitioner, certified child sleep consultant and certified life coach for parents. She divides her time between Brooklyn, NY and San Miguel de Allende, Mexico.