If your three-year-old is requiring hours of adult assistance to fall asleep at night, even if they have been great sleepers for months or years, you are not alone.

Here's a few reasons why. 

1. The Independence of An Open Bed

By age 3, most kids transition out of cribs and into “big kid” beds. While cribs may look like baby jails to us adults, the containment actually feels cozy and secure to young children. 

Once the crib barrier is gone, all that freedom can feel overwhelming. A 3-year-old may bounce between wanting to “do it myself” and wanting to be babied again. And in the darkness of night, that baby side often comes out. The freedom to wander out of their room into the big, quiet house can feel downright scary.

2. Boundary Testing

Three-year-olds are professional negotiators. They test limits at bedtime, with the potty, when brushing teeth, putting on shoes, or getting out the door. It’s their job developmentally.

And they so unbearably cute. So when your child whispers, “Mommy, one more hug,” or suddenly remembers, “Daddy, Johnny hurt my feelings at school today,” it’s hard to ignore those bids for attention.

But when these requests get (inadvertently!) rewarded night after night, they quickly become patterns.

3. Big Emotions

Three-year-olds are called "threenagers for a reason." They're adept with communicating their desires but not so skilled when it comes to managing their emotions. When every tiny decision can cause a meltdown -- "not the blue cup! I want the red cup!!!!!" -- it's understandably daunting to pick a big battle over bedtime when you're at your most exhausted. 

What You Can Do

1. Use a Barrier

Whether it’s a gate at the door or a "Door Monkey," make sure your child can’t wander the house alone at night.

It's not mean! It actually makes kids feel more secure. And in case of emergency, you’ll know exactly where your child is. (A three-year-old is not capable of exiting the house independently in case of a fire, so the safest place for them is safely contained in their room.) 

(No, a 3-year-old is not capable of escaping a house in a fire!)

This doesn’t mean ignoring them—it just means you go to them, instead of them roaming in the dark.

2. Maintain Boundaries

Be, as Dr Becky would say, "be a study leader." Consistency is everything. Dig deep and stick to your bedtime rules, even when you’re tired. Each time you hold the line, you’re helping your child feel safe within clear boundaries.

3. Pick Your Battles

Let some of the small things go and conserve your energy for the things that matter, like bedtime. Try to prioritize no more than 3 major boundaries each day. Everything else, let go. 

4. Use Visual Supports

A visual timer or bedtime clock can make rules concrete and easy to follow. Children this age thrive on visuals and routines.

You Don’t Have to Do This Alone

These are just a few of the strategies I share with parents of preschoolers inside my 2-week coaching package.

✔️ Your child can sleep peacefully through the night
✔️ You can reclaim your evenings to rest or connect with your partner
✔️ Mornings can start with a cheerful preschooler instead of a grumpy threenager

And yes—results are guaranteed or your money back. (Psst: I have never had a parent of a three-year-old ask for a refund. This system really works.) 

👉 Would you like to know if this could be the right fit for your family?

Schedule a free consultation.

​Let's talk. You'll come away with some helpful tips whether you decide to move ahead with sleep coaching or not. 

And lastly, know that this is all perfectly normal. Three-year-olds do eventually grow up and mature. But better sleep for everyone helps the maturation process go faster for everyone. 

Parents of anxious children face a conundrum. They know that better sleep can only help… and they don’t know how to get there. Because insisting on new sleep boundaries is only going to make both sleep and anxiety worse, right? 

Wrong.

Sleep training does not have to be traumatic. It does not need to make anxiety worse. In fact, successful sleep training can really help anxiety. 

I’ve worked with two children with anxiety in the past two weeks and sleep training was a huge success for both.

Here are their stories. After that, some tips for working with anxious children. (Note: all young children are anxious at times, and you don’t need a diagnosis of anxiety to struggle with these issues, or to use the technqiues outlined below.)

First, Liam. Liam was a skin picker when he felt anxious. He had multiple scabs on his body as a result. His parents worried that sleep training would make things worse. It was a battle to keep bandaids on him and they were worried about the risk of infection. 

Here’s what his mother said after our two weeks working together,

“To my shock, his skin picking didn’t get any worse with sleep training.

And what’s more, I actually saw that setting clear boundaries around sleep really helped him. As a result, I started setting more clear boundaries at other times and you were right, when he had a tantrum about a boundary I set (he wanted more bread and I said no), I just waited. Afterwards, I didn’t discuss it with him, I just said, “do you want a hug” and he did, and after that, he was calm. I couldn’t believe it!”

Child number two, Layla. Layla is almost two-years-old and has always had a fiery temperament, unlike her even-tempered twin sister. Layla’s mother was nursing her all night long, in an attempt to get Layla the rest she desperately needed, even though it was physically painful for Mom. Any time that Layla’s mother tried to refuse to nurse, Layla got furious. She would leave the family bed and go sit in the corner of their bedroom and refuse to come back. She also had night terrors.

Less than a week after starting sleep training, Layla is peacefully sleeping through the night. In the family bed. Her night terrors have disappeared. She is sleeping many more hours, and goes to sleep peacefully at bedtime as well as nap time. While she still has a fiery temperament, her mom can see a huge change in her – Layla is more easygoing and happy now.

Tips for working with anxious children:

1. Anxious children need extra time to prepare for big changes. I recommend starting to prepare toddlers and preschoolers three days ahead of time. Have a family meeting, make a social story to help explain the upcoming changes, and continue to remind them of the upcoming changes over the three days prior to making them. 

It’s important to talk, talk, talk about what is going to happen… even if your child gets mad. The anger is actually very healthy, because it means she is starting to process the changes ahead of time, which means the day you make the change will be that much easier. So don't stop talking when she gets upset!

Also, if someone took away your beloved morning coffee or evening Netflix, you’d be mad, too. You like your routine… and so does she! Let her have space to be mad…. And show her that you will love her through it!

2. Anxious children may need to make changes more slowly. This requires extra patience from you. In Layla’s case, we had her dad stay with her at bedtime to get used to not nursing to sleep. Once she was used to that, he started to gradually withdraw his presence after lights out. With zero tears.

3. Anxious children need boundaries even more than other children. It is an act of love, not cruelty, to establish and maintain boundaries. When children rule the household, it gives them the scary feeling of too much power. Young children don’t want that… even though they resist boundaries. Know that it's a child's job to test boundaries -- it's his way of figuring out how the world works -- and it's your job to maintain them. Even in the presence of meltdowns. 

4. Emotions are never a problem. Let her have her big feelings… without changing the boundary. Stay close during a tantrum, stop talking, avoid eye contact. Just sit down and wait. Let her yell and cry. Stay silent. When it’s over – I promise it won’t last long, even if it feels like an eternity – quietly offer a hug. And be amazed that your child feels better after releasing those big emotions.

I know it is scary to set new boundaries with anxious children. You don’t have to go it alone. Set up a free discovery call and find out how much happier your entire family will feel – most especially your anxious child – when you all get the sleep you deserve. 

​

​"Happy Saturday! We talked about the plan all week long, leading up to Friday night.  Then last night, we spent the evening coloring our “plan”.

I could see him integrating and really absorbing it all. Then we went to bed...not a peep, or a cry, no attempt to nurse. I had no idea it could be that easy. I can’t believe I’ve waiting so long thinking it would be brutal. Your help was essential!!!!

​Thank you!"

My beautiful friend Kris asked for advice on weaning her three year old. In three years, they’ve only spent one night apart. Every other night, he’s nursed throughout the night. (In their one night apart, he woke up only once, for 30 minutes, and then went back to sleep!)

“It’s hard to stop,” she says, “because it’s a really primal connection.”

But, she adds, “I know we need to stop. For my health -- I don’t do well when I’m not sleeping well -- as well as his. He’s definitely having dental issues.”

Here’s what we discussed:

• Breastfeeding is a beautiful gift that Kris has given Jude. Weaning him doesn’t take away anything from that gift. All children wean eventually.
  
  I remember another friend telling me that she was worried that her three-year-old daughter, Annabelle, would be "done with me and ready for a new mother once she didn't need me for nursing anymore." She was, of course, relieved to find that Annabelle needed her just as much after weaning as before...  just not for nursing. Their emotional connection was exactly the same. 
  
  
• We need to hold space for his negative emotion. We can’t shield our children from grief, anger, or frustration, but we can teach them that they are strong enough to handle it… and that we will be there to support them through it.
  
  
• Likewise, tantrums are not a problem. It’s an expression of negative emotion. Children feel better after the storm passes. Parents don’t need to fix it or negotiate through the tantrum. Just wait. It will pass. Saying, “I know,” and offering a hug is enough.
  
  
• Positive parenting can make the transition a lot easier. Have a family sleep meeting to discuss the new nighttime rules. Make a paper chain to count down the days until the new rules are put into place so the child has time to get used to the idea. Make a book about him child like Juniper’s Bedtime Book (scroll down to the 5th item). Create pride in him by encouraging him to read the book to others.
  
  
• Special time: incorporate a few minutes of roughhousing before dinner each night as a way for Jude to “empty his emotional backpack.” This will make the bedtime transition easier.
  
  
• Logistics: wear a sports bra at night. Don’t nurse in bed anymore, not even for naps. Plan for a very easy few days because you will both be extra tired at first. Start on a Friday night so you have the weekend to focus on sleep and nothing else. But do try to get out of the house each day for fresh air and a change of scenery. 
  
  
• Listen to Janet Lansbury’s podcast, Unruffled. She talks a lot about how clear, consistent boundaries are ultimately very reassuring to children.
  
  
• Finally, it’s normal for parents to be sad, too, just like little Jude. Night nursing has been very special for both of them. Growing up is painful sometimes. But it also brings lots of exciting developments, too. We can't slow it down, much as we wish we could. Embrace the sadness. Don't push it away. Let yourself feel sad, and cherish the closenss you shared. You'll still be close afterwards, but it's true that it's a loss. 
  
  

Night weaning is a mixed blessing, like so many parts of our children growing up. In the long run, I believe the payoff is huge, but it doesn't mean that the short-term isn't daunting. 

I'm here to help. Schedule a free consult and see if support might make the process easier for you, too.