"I Know It's Time to Night Wean My Three Year Old But I'm Scared of Losing Our Connection."

My beautiful friend Kris asked for advice on weaning her three year old. In three years, they’ve only spent one night apart. Every other night, he’s nursed throughout the night. (In their one night apart, he woke up only once, for 30 minutes, and then went back to sleep!)

“It’s hard to stop,” she says, “because it’s a really primal connection.”

But, she adds, “I know we need to stop. For my health -- I don’t do well when I’m not sleeping well -- as well as his. He’s definitely having dental issues.”

Here’s what we discussed:

• Breastfeeding is a beautiful gift that Kris has given Jude. Weaning him doesn’t take away anything from that gift. All children wean eventually.
  
  I remember another friend telling me that she was worried that her three-year-old daughter, Annabelle, would be "done with me and ready for a new mother once she didn't need me for nursing anymore." She was, of course, relieved to find that Annabelle needed her just as much after weaning as before...  just not for nursing. Their emotional connection was exactly the same. 
  
  
• We need to hold space for his negative emotion. We can’t shield our children from grief, anger, or frustration, but we can teach them that they are strong enough to handle it… and that we will be there to support them through it.
  
  
• Likewise, tantrums are not a problem. It’s an expression of negative emotion. Children feel better after the storm passes. Parents don’t need to fix it or negotiate through the tantrum. Just wait. It will pass. Saying, “I know,” and offering a hug is enough.
  
  
• Positive parenting can make the transition a lot easier. Have a family sleep meeting to discuss the new nighttime rules. Make a paper chain to count down the days until the new rules are put into place so the child has time to get used to the idea. Make a book about him child like Juniper’s Bedtime Book (scroll down to the 5th item). Create pride in him by encouraging him to read the book to others.
  
  
• Special time: incorporate a few minutes of roughhousing before dinner each night as a way for Jude to “empty his emotional backpack.” This will make the bedtime transition easier.
  
  
• Logistics: wear a sports bra at night. Don’t nurse in bed anymore, not even for naps. Plan for a very easy few days because you will both be extra tired at first. Start on a Friday night so you have the weekend to focus on sleep and nothing else. But do try to get out of the house each day for fresh air and a change of scenery. 
  
  
• Listen to Janet Lansbury’s podcast, Unruffled. She talks a lot about how clear, consistent boundaries are ultimately very reassuring to children.
  
  
• Finally, it’s normal for parents to be sad, too, just like little Jude. Night nursing has been very special for both of them. Growing up is painful sometimes. But it also brings lots of exciting developments, too. We can't slow it down, much as we wish we could. Embrace the sadness. Don't push it away. Let yourself feel sad, and cherish the closenss you shared. You'll still be close afterwards, but it's true that it's a loss. 
  
  

Night weaning is a mixed blessing, like so many parts of our children growing up. In the long run, I believe the payoff is huge, but it doesn't mean that the short-term isn't daunting. 

I'm here to help. Schedule a free consult and see if support might make the process easier for you, too.