Tantrums

Amelie and her star chart

The tantrums, in this case, are happening to a six-year-old. My six-year-old. Amelie, who declares herself “the leader of the planet,” has both a bold confidence and an extreme sensitivity to criticism.

​She is also struggling at school, according to her, though according to the school, everything is great -- no fighting, no meltdowns, good cooperation and socializing. But Amelie tells us that everyone else in the class -- by which she means the three other English speakers -- are “besties” and she is only a “half bestie” because she doesn’t have scrunchies. Also, the teacher is "mean."

At home, she loses her temper easily, generally when she feels criticized, and occasionally has meltdowns, “barrinchas” in Spanish. Nobody enjoys these!

Just like all of you, I am still learning the art of parenting. We have started working with a therapist to get some strategies, and I’ve also implemented a few from my own reading. Many of these ideas I share with my clients as well.

Here are some things we are trying:

1. Using timers. I am a big fan of timers and often recommend the use of sand timers to my clients only use timers on the cell phone or iPad with my own children.
   
   Our therapist suggested using a sand timer instead. This makes total sense to me, duh. Being able to see the sand disappearing helps children to understand the passage of time, and doesn’t require us to keep reminding them that they are running out of time. Allowing the timer to be the bad guy, the one setting the boundary, instead of the parent. 
   
   The only challenging part is reinforcing the boundary set by the timer!
   
   I ordered this set of sand timers -- for $16, you get a set of 1, 3, 5, 10, 15 and 30 minutes.
   
   
2. Give warnings of upcoming transitions. If I tell Amelie to turn off the iPad now, she throws a fit. If I tell her that she needs to turn off the iPad in two minutes, and then tell her when the two minutes are up… she generally complies and actually turns it off herself. Amazing!
   
   
3. Doing chores together, instead of telling her to do them. I will admit that this is a tough one for me. I don’t want to clean up the Magnatiles that are spilled all over the floor. I have to take a deep breath first, but when I say, “let’s clean up the Magnatiles,” she helps me clean up with a minimum or reminding. Instead of my telling her over and over to clean up. To my surprise, it’s actually better for my mood in the long run to help her instead of nagging her or yelling. Even more surprising, it often turns into a mostly-pleasant couple of minutes together. Quality time together equals fewer tantrums, also. 
   
   Likewise, if I want Amelie to put her shoes on to be ready to leave for school, I have to say, “Let’s put on our shoes.” And then put on my own shoes… even though I am not actually leaving the house!
   
   The therapist wants me to get baskets for cleaning up and I admit that I haven’t tried that yet. I like to put things away where they go -- the Lego box or the Magnatile bin -- but she insists that having a basket for each of us (and then transferring things from the basket to the specific storage container) is better. If you have tried this, let me know how it worked for you! I am still skeptical.
   
   
4. Pull back her hair. This suggestion came from the teacher, but was seconded by the therapist. Amelie prefers to wear her hair loose, but the therapist says that hair in her face keeps her from seeing the body language of her classmates when they are playing, and likewise keeps them from observing her reactions. They want her hair pulled back for school and camp.
   
   The therapist suggests I model this behavior, I too. I hate having things in my hair because they give me a headache but… I am considering it.
   
   
5. Don’t carry her to and from school. The teachers at Amelie’s Waldorf school feel that it’s important for Amelie to walk from the car to the school entrance on her own two feet, that it grounds her with the earth. I have no idea if this is true but at six, I can grudgingly admit that it's probably time to eliminate carrying my "baby." (Thinking of her as my baby is probably a big issue too but I haven't figured out how to tackle that just yet!)
   
   Amelie likes to be carried on Sergio’s shoulders to and from school but fortunately hasn’t protested this change too much.
   
   
6. Doing more chores together. The therapist reminded us that preschool children learn primarily through imitation, not instruction. So the best way to have her help is to include her. Luckily, she loves to help… when I take the time to invite her, even though her “help” often slows me down. She is especially fond of setting the table, and positively glows when I praise her. Which brings me to…
   
   
7. More praise. This is one I am reminding myself of. Amelie loves verbal praise. (Interestingly, her sister does not. So it’s not a universal thing.) She’ll ask me, “are you so happy that I am helping?” And all I have to do is agree. Easy peasy.
   
   I am also working on praising her for other, less obvious things. Yesterday, Calliope accidentally switched songs in the car while Amelie’s song was playing. When Amelie took it in stride, I made sure to rave about it. 
   
   I totally believe that if you just praise the behavior you want to see, it will happen more often. I just have to remember the praise.
   
   
8. Less yelling. Another one that I am reminding myself of without any help from an outside expert.
   
   I am working on taking a breath first, instead of giving in to the impulse to yell. This isn’t always easy for me, as there was a lot of yelling in my family of origin. But I don’t want to be a person who yells, and when I see Calliope yell at Amelie in exactly the same tone that I use, I cringe.
   
   I can already see a difference in Amelie. When I yell less, she is more calm.
   
   And when I start to yell and then pull myself back, she recovers a lot more quickly.
   
   
9. Time outs. These are not typically a strategy that I recommend to clients, because I think being separated from the family can be really upsetting, even traumatizing, for a young child.
   
   But in Amelie’s case, I can see that all the quiet sympathy in the world can be triggering instead of soothing when she is out of control.
   
   In those cases, I say nothing and silently take her by the hand and lead her to her room. I leave the door open -- to make it clear that it’s not a punishment -- and tell her that she can come back when she feels calm.
   
   She generally curls up on her bed with her lovey and when she returns -- not all that quickly, suprisingly -- she is a new kid. Calm and pleasant. She clearly needs time to reset. I am thankful that she doesn’t fight these time outs and that I don’t have to force her to stay in her room.
   
   
10. Making amends. The therapist recommends that we ask Amelie to draw a picture as an apology when she has hurt someone. I am not sure that compelling her to apologize is really a wise standard -- she tends to do it on her own once she calms down. I don’t really think that a grudging apology helps anyone. But I am considering it.
    
    
11. Strengthening her “waiting muscle.” This is another one I thought up on my own -- I hope it’s a good idea!
    
    Amelie has a really hard time waiting sometimes, mainly for her turn in the conversation. She also had a hard time waiting for Sergio to push her in the hammock after dinner.
    
    I think that strengthening her abiltity to wait is a useful skill so I have started setting a timer for her to wait for roughhousing, and we ask her to wait for her turn in the conversation as well. If she has a meltdown over it, well, we try to ignore it.
    
    
12. Star charts. It makes me laugh but Amelie is strangely motivated by star charts… even without getting any extrinsic reward. Just seeing that star on her white board motivates and thrills her.
    
    Adults are susceptible too. A coach I like recommends an “urge jar” for dieting adults -- every time you withstand an urge to eat a food not on your plan, you put a marble into your urge jar. As the marbles pile up in your jar, you feel more motivated to stick to your plan. 

Parenting is an art, not a science. I am always trying to learn and grow as a parent. What interventions have you tried? What has worked best for you and your family?

PS If your child is overtired, behavior will almost certainly be more challenging. Schedule a free consult to find out if your child is in need of more sleep. ​

First ponytail in three years