“The Harsh Realm of Gentle Parenting”: A Critique

With respectful parenting, big feelings are allowed on both sides but throwing books is (generally) not.

This thoughtful New Yorker article sparked a lively debate on my friend’s Facebook wall. Most people seemed fairly hostile towards the approach.

https://www.newyorker.com/books/under-review/the-harsh-realm-of-gentle-parenting?fbclid=IwAR2w3BU2cflPZZMLad5SxE-8LtsPS5JxyW3ixNIJzn_d9-i1KywyZ7n4Mf4

The article says,  “In its broadest outlines, gentle parenting centers on acknowledging a child’s feelings and the motivations behind challenging behavior, as opposed to correcting the behavior itself.”

The New Yorker article goes on to say,  “a gentle parent holds firm boundaries, gives a child choices instead of orders, and eschews rewards, punishments, and threats—no sticker charts, no time-outs, no “I will turn this car around right now.”"

What’s interesting about this is firm boundaries and choices (versus orders) sound contradictory to me, right? You either have boundaries OR choices, not both.

VeryWellFamily.com defines gentle parenting as, “Gentle parenting focuses on fostering the qualities you want in your child by being compassionate and enforcing consistent boundaries. Unlike some more lenient parenting methods, gentle parenting also encourages discipline, but in an age-appropriate way. Discipline methods focus on teaching valuable life lessons rather than focusing on punishments.”

These two different practices with the same name seem to have contradictory ideas.

Guidepost.Montessori defines gentle parenting as, “Gentle parenting is a parenting approach that encourages a partnership between you and your child to make choices based on an internal willingness instead of external pressures. This parenting style asks you to become aware of the behaviour you model for your child, encourages compassion, welcomes emotions and accepts the child as a whole, capable being.”

It’s not clear that this third approach eschews boundaries, either. 

It looks like a lot of the controversy is based on the differences in how gentle parenting is defined versus how it is practiced. Perhaps a lot of parents who like the idea of gentle parenting have trouble maintaining boundaries? It’s hard to say.

For myself, I don’t like the term “gentle” because it sounds loaded. It sounds like maybe parents aren’t supposed to have strong emotions, never mind strong words for their child.

I don’t know about you but for me, I am definitely not gentle (in my words and feelings) all of the time.

Also, I find that people tend to equate “gentle” with permissive. Being afraid of upholding boundaries. I believe strong boundaries are essential not only for parents but for children. Boundaries make children feel safe!

I prefer the term “respectful” parenting. It sounds like it allows some big feelings on either side. It suggests that you don’t have to be calm all the time. You just have to manage those strong emotions in a thoughtful way.

I am not a leader – by any stretch of the imagination – in the respectful parenting movement, if indeed there is one.

But this is how I define respectful parenting to my clients:

• Create boundaries that respect the needs of both parent and child.
  
  For example, the parent wants to leave the bedroom after saying goodnight because the parent needs down time. This need is respected.
  
  The child is anxious about night time separation. This is also respected. 
  
  Solution: the parent commits to a caring, affectionate bedtime routine that leaves the child feeling loved when the parent turns off the light and leaves the room. This is not a perfect solution from the child's perspective and that is okay. 
  
  
• The parent is allowed to say no to requests. Full stop.
  
  Parents ask me, “but she says she needs to talk to me only after lights out – how do I handle this?”
  
  The answer is: no. You just say no. And get okay with the discomfort that provokes in your child and you.
  
  
• The parent allows big emotions.
  
  If your child runs out of time for stories (I always recommend timers for bedtime to make it clear!), you hold the boundary and you allow your child to have a big, strong reaction. You don’t explain. You don’t cajole. You don’t move the boundary. You stay calm and sympathetic and pretty much silent and just let the child express themselves.
  
  You also give yourself permission to have big emotions. That doesn’t mean you throw a tantrum like a toddler… at least, not in the presence of said toddler. But it might mean that you excuse yourself to hide in the bathroom while you take some deep breaths. Even if this means your child wails outside the bathroom door.
  
  In this way, you take care of the emotional needs of yourself and your child.
  
  
• You don’t give punishments but you do allow natural consequences.
  
  The difference?
  
  Punishments are generally done in anger or some other negative emotion and involve a consequence that is not directly related to the unwanted behavior. Example: taking away screen time because a child threw a block at another child.
  
  Natural consequences are ideally doled out calmly and in direct response to the unwanted behavior. When a block is thrown, the blocks get put away.
  
  You'll know if it is a natural consequence because the connection is clear to your child. "You are showing me you can't use the blocks safely right now so we are putting the blocks away for later." Your child may not like the consequence but she understands it. 
  
  
• You try to view your child’s behavior within a larger context.
  
  This does not mean you "let him get away with things." It means you realize -- oh, he's hitting because he's jealous of the new baby. I will physically restrain his hands to prevent him from hitting me but I will also set aside five minutes later for roughhousing play with him.  
  
  

The article says,  “In its broadest outlines, gentle parenting centers on acknowledging a child’s feelings and the motivations behind challenging behavior, as opposed to correcting the behavior itself.”

This is simply not true of respectful parenting. You acknowledge the emotion and correct the behavior. “I know you’re mad we have to leave. Do you want to put on your shoes or do you want me to help you?”

"Across the parenting boards and group texts, one can detect a certain restlessness. A fatigue is setting in: about the deference to a child's every mood, the strict maintenance of emotional affect, the notion that trying to keep to a schedule that could "authoritarian." Sometimes, the people are saying, a tantrum isn't worthy of being placed on a pedastal. Sometimes, they plead, their voices rising past a gentle threshold, you just need to put your freaking shoes on." 

I couldn't agree more... with most of this.

A tantrum should not be placed upon a pedastal. It should be tolerated, then the parent should offer a hug and move on. 

A schedule is authoritarian and there is no problem with this. Children's brains are not developed enough to drive the daily schedule. We adults need to do our adulting, parenting jobs. To make decisions that our children may not like. 

And when it's time to go, yes, you need to put on your freaking shoes. But I think this can be accomplished just as clearly without the negativity of "freaking". The reason for the "freaking" is that the parent is asking too many times. THIS, not gentle/respectful parenting, is the culprit. Ask only once, then "help" to get the job done, before you are annoyed. 

The only part of the above quote I disagree with is this: this is not a definition of respectful parenting and I bet it's not a rule of gentle parenting too. It's the opposite. 

Respectful parenting isn't easy. It's hard to always keep your cool. But by respecting your own boundaries and acting swiftly, before they are crossed, parenting actually gets a lot easier. 

Want some help with sleep or parenting (there's a lot of overlap!). Schedule a free consultation and see how life can get easier for your family. 

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