 Back in late September, I got this message from Melanie. :
“I’m a solo mom, breastfeeding and cosleeping. Daughter has never been a good sleeper, always fights sleep and needs lots of support to sleep. Lately is fighting naps big time and taking an hour to fall asleep at night. Many many wakes in the night to latch or nurse. I’ve done all the things. I am frustrated, tired and feeling like a failure! Melanie had a lot of concerns about sleep training. She was worried her daughter might feel traumatized or abandoned by sleep training. It was extremely hard for her to tolerate the sound of her 13 month old daughter crying. Yet as a busy surgeon and no overnight support at home, she also felt like she couldn’t continue with the way things were. Melanie decided to purchase some life coaching sessions so that we could work through some of her sleep training anxiety prior to implementing sleep training. We also messaged many times via WhatsApp -- one of the perks of working with me (unlimited daytime and evening texting -- you're never alone in sleep training!) Finally the big night rolled around. Imagine her surprise when on the first night, she tucked little Molly into her crib in the pitch black, wide awake, for the first time in her life, and Molly cried for a grand total of – wait for it – 3 minutes! Melanie never even needed to do a single timed check that she had been planning on because Molly didn’t cry long enough. Melanie messaged me about 2 hours after bedtime, “I just kind of don’t understand how she can be adapting to this huge change (different room, different bed, no mom, no milk, total darkness) so seemlessly???” And in the morning, “Well I can’t believe this is really real life but besides 3 quick wakeups each hour to look around, there were no tears or wakeups that I saw for the rest of the night! I slept from 11-6 uninterrupted!!! She is still asleep and I’m about to wake her up at 715 am. I’m speechless!” Molly never cried again at bedtime. Naps, however, were a different story. She really, really struggled to lengthen naps past 30-45 minutes. We went back and forth between one and two naps and although she was young for it at 13 months, I figured she would do best with one nap a day and her mom agreed. But Molly surprised us again! After two weeks of nap training and truly excellent night time sleep, she settled back into two naps a day, getting roughly 1.5-2 hours of daytime per day! It seemed she needed to catch up on sleep debt before she could nap to her highest ability. Six weeks later, here’s what her mom has to say about Molly’s sleep journey. “She’s very communicative these days with very clear head nods and sometimes a yes so I ask her “are you ready for a nap?” or if it’s bedtime I ask her, “ are you ready for a bath?” (start of bedtime routine). She says yes or nods her head. We wave and say bye bye to the dogs downstairs -- it’s so cute. And she even turns on her sound machine in her bedroom and then she picks out a book and usually wants to read it twice but sometimes she’s clearly ready to sleep and for me to leave after only one reading. It’s pretty remarkable. Seriously it’s hard to believe where we started just 6 weeks ago and where we are now. My house is so much more organized, I have time to eat, have a glass of wine, relax, watch Netflix, give my dogs some baby free attention, make a phone call - now that I have this time back it’s hard to believe I did without it for 13.5 months! Thank you!!!” I love getting messages like Melanie’s! I would never say that only 3 minutes of crying at night is typical for night one. But what is true is that you never know if your child will struggle to sleep independently or if they’ve been waiting impatiently for their opportunity to do so. Many babies and toddlers who are fussy and clingy in the evenings are actually just exhausted and need to be alone to sleep deeply. Consider that this might be true for your child! What is certainly true – in my experience with almost 500 sleep training families – is that babies, no matter how well-loved they are, are happier and healthier when they are getting the sleep their little bodies need. When you are hesitating about sleep training your little one, try to remember this! PS If you have been hesitating, please schedule a free consult to get all your questions answered about sleep training and make your dreams of a well-rested family a reality.
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 The end of daylight savings time in the United States happens this coming Sunday at 2 am.
I’ve always recommended that parents start, ideally, transitioning their kids four days ahead of the end of daylight savings time. The challenge is that it’s complicated to remember to transition all naps, meals and bedtime every day for 4 days in a row. So here’s a different approach, presented to me by fellow sleep consultant, Nichole Levy. She says that day-by-day approaches rarely work because children simply don’t notice and accommodate gradual changes. She prefers to either a) do nothing and just go by the new times when Sunday rolls around, b) split the transition over 2 days (half an hour per day), or c) put your child to bed at the regular time on Saturday but then wait until the new, correct time the following day to get them up. So most likely, your child will wait an hour for you to show up. This was an interesting perspective for me. I have always recommended the 4-day approach to families: move bedtime, morning wake time, and nap times later by 15 minutes per day. If you start on Monday, you have 6 days to make the change so you have a couple days of padding, just in case. But in practice, I rarely remembered to actually make the change gradually with my own children. Best case scenario, I remembered one day in advance and was able to spread it out over a day, and then I treated Sunday as a transition day so really, Monday was the first day the time change was imposed. And everyone knows how good the Monday after the time change feels. Now we live in Mexico and as of a year ago, Mexico abolished daylight savings time. This is definitely the ideal way to handle daylight savings – just don’t do it. If you have to change time zones, let me know what strategy you choose and how it goes!  When Emerson’s parents started sleep training, they decided to do a form of timed checks where instead of checking in in person, they gave a verbal reassurance via the intercom feature of the baby monitor in their son’s room.
They reasoned that opening the door to visually reassure Emmerson would likely lead to him attempting to run out of the room and really upset him in the long run. To all of our surprise, Emerson did not react well to the verbal check-ins via the intercom. Just like he used to repeatedly visit his parents’ room during the night prior to sleep training, now Emerson was repeatedly requesting verbal reassurance via the intercom. It seemed like our plan to reassure him was actually creating more anxiety. So after 6 nights of frequent wakings and requests for reassurance, we updated our plan. Emerson’s parents put up photos on his wall of people who love him, so that E could feel loved and secure while alone in his room at night. Then they reminded him at bedtime that they would no longer be doing any check ins via the monitor anymore. And then we all held our breaths. After literally just one minute of crying and testing the door on the first night, Emerson returned to his bed. (His parents were watching his progress on the video baby monitor.) He cried and checked the door 7 more times throughout the night, the longest time being 50 minutes. But as he had already been having multiple night wakings before this, his parents were cautiously optimistic. The next night, Emerson tested the door and cried for one minute and then was asleep in 10 minutes. He got up to check the door 4 more times that night, but the longest episode lasted 5 minutes and the others were only 1 minute. The third night, Emerson only got up twice to check the door, and each episode lasted less than a minute. Same thing happened the fourth night. The fifth and sixth nights, Emerson slept through the night with zero wakings! And in the morning after the sixth night, he actually told his parents that “staying in bed all night is easy!” This case was illuminating because it really showed how in our attempts to reassure our children, we can prevent their abilities to learn to self soothe. Frequent check-ins, even over the intercom, were actually causing anxiety for Emerson. Once his parents decide to stop interacting with him – not an easy decision – Emerson quickly grew more confident in his own abilities. If you are considering sleep training but are worried that your child will feel abandoned or scared, consider the possibility that it might be your child’s dependence on you that is actually creating the fear. I know you have the best of intentions but often times, leaving children to figure things out on their own really is the best thing for them. PS Little Emerson is five years old. Many parents ask me if their toddler/preschooler/or school aged child is too old for sleep training. The answer is no, it’s never too late. PPS If your family is struggling with a child’s frequent need for reassurance, you are not alone. Schedule a free consult today and find out how your child can become a confident independent sleeper in just two weeks or less, guaranteed. It’s Weird, He Actually Seemed So Much Happier This Morning After Our First Night Of Sleep Training10/10/2024  “He was WAY happier this morning than he was yesterday morning when he tested the boundary and we didn’t hold our ground. Today he was very cooperative on all other parts of our morning routine.”
Parent often worry that their children will be mad at them for not responding to them (or responding to them in a very limited way) during the night. This particular family just started sleep training last night, and decided that the best thing for their five-year-old child would be regular verbal check-ins through the baby monitor only. They felt that opening the door would likely lead to their son either rushing out the door or getting even more upset if they managed to contain him in his room. So every 5/10/15/20 minutes, they would repeat through the intercom feature, “It’s time to sleep. You’re safe in our house. We love you.” They did this at bedtime and again at a 3 am waking. And in both cases, just before their son collapsed into his bed, he said to them through the intercom, “I love you too.” (This was after plenty of less pleasant protesting.) Pretty sweet, right? And this was the report from this morning after he got up. (Starting with “he was WAY happier this morning.”) So if you are worried your child will be irreparable damaged by sleep training, here’s more evidence that they will not. PS Want to get your family sleeping through the night and still worried about how your child will respond? Let's talk about your fears. I've worked with nearly 500 families to help them get the sleep they needed. I'm sure I can do the same for yours. Book a free consult here.  These are the number two questions I get asked in sleep consultations.
Here are my answers. Number one: it depends. Children typically – though not always – cry longer with more parental involvement. You may think that your presence will be soothing – and perhaps it is, no way to know what a little one is thinking – but it’s definitely stimulating. A child can stay awake longer – and therefore cry longer – when there’s someone to interact with. No matter how boring the interaction. Another factor is if you have attempted sleep training before. If you have, and you didn’t complete the sleep training, most likely your child figured out that if they cry or call long enough, you will come take them out of the crib. So they will definitely cry at least that long before falling asleep. A third factor is, not surprisingly, your child’s temperament. The thing about this is: it’s hard to know ahead of time. Almost everyone I talk to think their child is going to be the hardest one yet to sleep train. And in most cases, that is not the case. But it can be hard to predict. Parents who have easy-to-sleep-train children generally don’t hire a sleep consultant. So almost every family I work with has a child they believe is really challenging. And I believe them! But they can’t all be the hardest one ever. 🙂 That being said, here is a ballpark figure: I would say, on average, the typical child who is doing cry it out will cry for about 45 minutes the first night of sleep training. If you choose a more-parental-involvement approach, it will probably take longer. Which is not a problem if that feels like the right approach for your family! It is just data for you to consider. I support parents at all involvement levels. I do not have a one-size-fits-all approach. Every family picks the approach that is right for them. Number two: it also depends. Sorry. If you pick a less-parental-involvement method like cry it out aka extinction, your child will almost certainly be sleeping through the night more quickly than if you pick a more involved method. Again, that doesn’t mean you should do a less involved method. It’s just one factor among many. If your child is currently feeding during the night, sleep training will take longer. In most cases, I recommend a gradual night weaning schedule for babies under age 1 and sometimes even beyond. We don’t want babies crying from extreme hunger at night. Waking from habit is a different story. That can be unlearned. If your child is not feeding at night and you choose CIO, it typically takes 3-5 nights for your child to sleep through the night. Some kids do it much faster and some do it much slower. I would say that in almost every case, though, you’ll see significant progress in 3 nights. If you choose the chair method, it takes 12 nights just to be outside of your child’s room at night (and no longer sitting in sight in the hallway). This might or might not be the right method for your family – it depends on you. No matter how long it takes, one thing to keep in mind is that if you do nothing, your child will almost certainly still be waking up at night. A few harder nights might be worth a payoff? Only you can decide. PS If you’d like help getting your child across the finish line to great sleep, schedule a free consult and lets talk about what a well rested life would look like for your family. Results are guaranteed.  Heading back to school can be exciting and also exhausting. Is everyone in your house feeling a bit cranky these days?
If so, you're not alone. As the kids head back to school or childcare—and adults return to their work routines—many families are feeling the strain. After the slower pace and flexibility of summer, the shift back to structured schedules can be exhausting. Even if your kids aren’t in grade school yet, the end of vacation mode impacts the entire household. Sleep habits often slip during the summer, whether it’s from travel, jet lag, or kids struggling to adjust to new environments. Add to that the emotions that come with starting a new school or daycare, and it’s no wonder you’re seeing “big feelings” at home. Transitions are tough for everyone. Here are some strategies to help your family navigate this period more smoothly: Move bedtime earlier. Even if bedtime has returned to what it was before summer, your child might need extra sleep during this adjustment phase. Try shifting their bedtime up by 30 minutes for a couple of weeks. Once they settle into the new routine, you can ease back to the original time. Skip after-school activities in September. It’s tempting to dive into extracurriculars, but tired kids may struggle with the added demands of listening and following directions. Consider a more relaxed approach for the first month—save playground trips and other fun, unscheduled activities for when your child feels up for it. A walk or scooter ride can also help them unwind after a long day. I know you may have already paid for piano/soccer/math tutoring/mommy and me swimming, but your family will thank you if you prioritize rest and rejuvenation over skill building right now. Lower your expectations at home. Children who normally dress themselves or play well together might suddenly need more help. Instead of pushing them to manage independently, try separating them for some quiet playtime or offering extra support with tasks. It’s normal for kids to regress a bit when they’re tired. If you're a family who offers screen time during the week, save it for when you first get home. This will allow you to get dinner on the table in peace, prevent sibling fights, and allow your child some time to decompress. If you don't do screen time, you could offer the Toni Box, a podcast on Alexa (we like Little Stories for Tiny People), drawing, or having your little one "help" you prep dinner. A Learning Tower or similar is great for keeping your toddler or preschooler safe and engaged in the kitchen. A younger child can bang a wooden spoon on the highchair try or bang some measuring cups on the floor. Serve dinner earlier—skip the snack. An earlier dinner can work wonders for tired kids. If they’re used to snacking in the afternoon, they might be too full or exhausted to eat a proper meal later. Swap snack time for dinner as soon as you’re home. Aim for quick, simple meals—nothing fancy. If you are a family who prioritizes family dinners, I applaud you. (My family doesn't do so well with this.) In this case, have childcare provider or parent who is with the children serve dinner and then plan a post-dinner snack or dessert together when the whole family is home. Don’t forget about yourself. You need rest, too. Just like your kids, you’re adjusting to the demands of a new routine. Encourage yourself to cut back on evening commitments and aim for an earlier bedtime. A reminder on your phone might help you stick to it! September can be challenging for many families, but you don’t have to navigate it alone. If your family is struggling with this transition, I’m here to help. Schedule a free consultation, and let’s get your family back to feeling rested and balanced.  Great news for many of us: a new study from the Journal of American Medicine (JAMA) showed that contrary to what we've been taught, most kinds of screen time before bed do not negatively affect sleep.
The study was of 79 children ages 11 to 14 years old. Screen time before bed did not have a measurable impact on how long the children slept. However, screen time in bed led to less sleep, particularly when the child was engaged in either multitasking or playing video games in bed. What does this mean as parents? It means -- if the results hold -- that we no longer have to shy away from screen time before bed. Friday movie night is no longer a problem! That being said, we do need to watch out for screen time creeping into sleep time. So don't let Friday night movie night push bedtime later, or that will negatively affect sleep. And for us adults, well, the same holds true. Scroll in bed all you like, just don't stay up later as a result. Here's the link to the original article: https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamapediatrics/article-abstract/2822859 PS If you are struggling to get your kids to sleep at bedtime and sleeping peacefully through the night, schedule a free consult and find out how you can get your family back on track in 2 weeks or less, guaranteed.  I loved watching Simone Biles joyfully hug her coach after each of her performances at the Olympics.
But it made me wonder… what could the best gymnast of all time learn from a coach who has surely less ability than Simone? Despite her immense talent and incredible work ethic, Simone can’t always see where she could make tiny improvements to be even better. This isn’t anything negative about Simone. This is the reality of being human: we all lack insight sometimes. And in my experience, most of us also tend to be too hard on ourselves. I'm guessing the same is true even for the incomparable Simone Biles. This is why I will always have a coach. I always want to be improving and growing. As a coach, as a mother, as a partner, as a friend. I lack insight into my own shortcomings. I also beat myself up sometimes. A coach helps me see both. Unlike therapy, which for me was an endless cycle of storytelling about the deficiencies of my past – my parents, my trauma, my pain – coaching helps me move forward towards my best self. Since I started having a coach, my life has exploded in ways I could never have imagined. I started a business to support my family. I got in the best shape of my life. I stopped yelling at my kids. I found an amazing partner. I had a third child. We moved into the house of my dreams. Like an athlete, I have not and will never ever “arrive.” I still have plenty of bad days. Days where I feel absolutely miserable. But I don’t see that as a failure. I see that as a part of the growth process. And the amazing thing is that those bad days no longer stretch into weeks or months. I know how to move through them and get back to the joyful part of life. Simone Biles does things that the world was impossible. Do you want to do things that you thought were impossible for you? I’d love to show you a taste of what that would be like. Book a complimentary coaching session – no sales, just pure transformation – and see what it’s like! I can’t wait to show you. PS click on the link above, then scroll down to "complimentary 50 minute life coaching session."  If your baby is waking up to eat multiple times per night after the newborn phase (3 months), she's not only waking up from hunger. She's also waking up because she's relying on feeding to fall asleep, because she's actually overtired, or very likely, a combination of the two.
After the "fourth trimester," assuming bottle feeding or a well-established breastmilk supply, a baby doesn't need to eat more than every 3-4 hours at night, and many babies are eating only once or not at all by this age. If you are happy to feed multiple times per night, carry on! But if you would like to cut back, it is safe to do so. If your baby wakes up during the night and it has been less than 3 hours since the start of the previous feeding, simply don't offer milk. You can either soothe in some other way or you can let your baby cry it out, with or without timed checks. All are safe options. The first time your baby wakes up at least 3 hours since the start of the previous feeding, go in promptly and offer a feeding. If you'd like to wait longer than 3 hours, that's perfectly fine, too. Most babies at this age can easily go 4 hours at night without eating. After that feeding, put your baby back in his crib and then wait at least 3 hours again before feeding. Handle the crying in the same way as you did before. If you are a breastfeeding parent and have a partner or other support person around at night, I suggest having that person go in to do any soothing you would like the baby to receive at night wakings where you will not be offering a feeding. Your baby may be upset at first if he's accustomed to seeing you, but if you are the one to check on him and you don't offer the breast, that's probably even more upsetting for him. Once your baby is accustomed to eating only every 3 hours or more per night, you can start gradually reducing the duration or volume of one feeding per night. Leave the other feedings alone. Only when one feeding is eliminated should you move on to reducing the next one. In this way, you can gently and gradually reduce the number of night feedings you offer until your baby is entirely night weaned, if you like, or else is at a number of night feedings that feels manageable to you. Have more questions? Night weaning can feel daunting. I can help. Schedule a free consultation and we can walk through the steps involved to get your family sleeping peacefully at night. |
AuthorAbby Wolfson is a pediatric nurse practitioner, certified child sleep consultant and certified life coach for parents. She divides her time between Brooklyn, NY and San Miguel de Allende, Mexico. Archives
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